Fat-Hating Fuckwits

"You sure you got enough food there, Love?"

This was said to me today, lunchtime, as I walked from McDonalds back to the car where DD and DP were waiting. I was carrying a brown paper McDonalds bag, a happy meal box and a tray with 3 drinks. That's all they'd have been able to see.

Now, of course it doesn't matter that they were eating the same crappy food as I was - either that or they're just losers who like to hang out in the Maccas carpark in the middle of a Sunday - it just mattered that I was fat. I bet if I was skinny, they would not have said anything.

It REALLY pisses me off that people think this is an acceptable way of talking (or shouting out to) strangers. People you do not know, don't know a damn thing about, and have no reason to be interacting with.

Look, if you think I'm fat and shouldn't be eating McDonalds because of that, whatever, have you stupid beliefs about who can eat what and think that it's not doing just as much damage to your body as it is to mine... but is there a need to ruin my day by saying it? Is there a need to be such a heartless, cruel jerk as to say something to me which makes me feel guilty as I eat each and every french fry and make me want to cry as I do so?

I got off-my-face drunk last night - and wanted McDonalds when I woke up. I wasn't hungover, but I was tired and I'm feeling sick... and the idea of McDonalds just sounded appealing. So I got it. The food wasn't all for me - I had 2 meal deals and a Happy Meal. There were 3 people in our car, so it made sense. They were parked RIGHT NEXT TO US so they should have been able to see that DP and DD were in there. Even if not, I could have been heading to someone's house (or back home) to bring them McDonalds too. Or I could have just wanted to eat it all myself. Whatever was happening, they didn't know and it was none of their freaking business and certainly not their right to say something about it.

So, thanks dickheads, for making me feel like shit. I hope it makes you feel like a real tough man to treat me like that. Me, who wouldn't say a bad word to you because I'm not a bitch. Me who SHOULD have gone and kicked your shitbox of a car, but didn't because I'm not as bad as you are. Me, who may be fat, but hey, that's changing... I doubt you'll grow out of your dickheadedness.

Absolute fat-hating fuckwits.

The End is NOT Near, Dreaming up being a Bitch and My Brother's Growing Belly...

I'm not dying!

You know the gas in my artery? Well, it's not gas IN my artery... it's gas NEAR my artery. To be more specific... gas in my BOWEL (yes, shit gas... lol) that was in the way and thus made it difficult for them to properly see my artery. Along with blood tests though, MY KIDNEYS AND ARTERIES ARE ALL FINE!

So is my blood sugar. And my hormones. And my thyroid. And just about every other bloody thing I was tested for.

Except my cholesterol. That's shit... but not as shit as last year so I'm seeing that as a positive. My BP was down too (135/95). Apparently a good rate would be 120 or less over 85 or less... so I mean, it's not a big deal anymore. Dunno wtf changed?

Anyway, she's not putting me on drugs YET because my BP has gotten a lot better, but I'll soon be monitored with a BP monitor (fancy that! lol) for 24 hours to see the ups and downs of a regular day. I'll be sure to update you when I know more... but basically, for now, all I've been told is to "eat well and lose weight." And to not drink coffee... but I don't drink that cos it's horrible, so all good there... and the weight loss will obviously come with surgery (this particular doctor doesn't know about my WLS... I didn't bother telling her either because I wasn't sure if she'd judge or not and was just not in the mood to deal with it).

In other news, I had a dream last night about me somehow being the cause of another blog shutting down. Those in the know will understand what I'm referring to... the rest of you, just don't bother wondering. I won't be sharing the details.

Anyway, I woke up all scared that somehow I'd done something to make it all happen... so I really hope that I'm not. I'm not sure what I could have done to cause it anyway, but I still feel guilty like I did something... I hate it when you feel like that but you're not sure why or why you even should. But if you're reading, I luff you and hope nothing I did influenced your decision to shut down your blog. *frown*

Also had a good time making fun of my brother yesterday. God he's gotten fat. It sounds so mean for a fat girl to say that to another fat person, but this guy is newly fat, and used to tease me about being fat... so I feel a bit of payback is in order. His gf is due to have a baby in 10 days (well, 9 now I think - but obviously, that's only an estimate). She's got such a big belly, I'm suprised she doesn't topple forward! And I mean that lovingly - I love big pregnant bellies!

Anyway, I rubbed my brother's belly and asked him how far along he was. It's mostly a beer gut, but his whole body is fat compared to how scrawny he was up until recently... and despite the fact I feel bad because I know it's so mean, part of me feels utter joy at his widening waistline. I'm also so happy that soon I'll be the skinny sibling - and HE will be the fat one. For once. First time ever (I'm older than him, so even when I was a toddler I weighed more, because he was a baby)!

Um... nothing else to report. This has been a really boring entry huh? Apologies.

The Fatty in the Skinnies, Gassy Kidneys and Getting Behind the Wheel

Got my skinnies in the mail today and popped them on right away!

I don't actually think they look too bad tbh... I mean, they'd look better on Heidi Klum (in her size... not in the 18s I have...lol), but I'm never gonna be Heidi and have gotta make the most of what I have.

Who says short, fat girls can't wear skinny jeans? 

I'm actually a tiny bit worried about wearing them around family... because we're not a skinny jean wearing family (on either side) and I'm the biggest girl there is... so I'm a little paranoid about comments, but I've just got to keep in mind that none of them are really the experts on fashion, and since many of them wear things I wouldn't touch with a barge pole, their opinions shouldn't be that important to me.

I've also added another entry to my VLOG. You're more than welcome to watch me ramble on aimlessly.

I've actually become really bad with my eating. I mentioned it a few blog posts ago, but it's driving me a bit mental. It's like every night is my last meal, so I've got to have the yummiest foods I can in ample quantities... because it's as if I think it's the last time I'll ever get to eat these things. I think it's a freak-out from the fact that surgery is looming and I won't be able to eat those things for a while afterwards. I really need to stop... but stopping is harder than simply knowing I have to. Obviously. Or else I wouldn't be fat, huh?

As you guys know, I've had issues with blood pressure... and the doctor has been trying to figure out wtf is going on. I've been sent for a bunch of tests, one being a renal scan. Now for some reason, I'm an idiot, and figured this was a HEART scan... but that would have made it a cardiac scan. Renal is kidneys. I think it was the way she explained it to me that confused me. Anyway, it was basically a scan on the arteries between my heart and kidneys, as well as my kidneys themselves. Also, looking at the ultra sound images, my aorta was looked at too.

Now, I have no idea wtf the ultra sound images mean... but they popped this diagram in there...

My kidneys as drawn by the ultra sound technician lady...

Now I have no clue as to what those numbers mean, but you can see that the right kidney (which is actually the left picture of a kidney...I dunno why they did that) has some sort of blockage (I think it says "Obscured by gas"...???) and the numbers closer to the kidney are way different from the ones on the other kidney. According to Google, a blocked renal artery can cause high blood pressure (among other issues), so this may be my issue.

Interesting huh? (I know, not really... lol).

I'll be seeing my doctor on Monday to get the results of this scan, plus some bloods and urine sample test results too... so will be interesting to update then and let you all know just how faulty my body is.

I'll probably be getting a pap-smear done as well, as last time I saw her she harassed me about getting one done. I really have no issues getting another one... I've only had one in the past, but the only reason I didn't have more was because I didn't like any of my doctors enough to let them near that region. I didn't trust any of them. I like this new doctor, so she's fine to venture into that scary area that is my puffy vag.

Actually... have I written about that here yet? If not I'll have to make sure I do next entry! lol.

And just before I sign off... I had a driving lesson yesterday. Yes, that's right... I'm 25 and do not drive. It's shameful, but I'm a wuss. I've finally decided to stop trying to drive manuals though... if I keep that up I'll be still on my L's in 10 years. I get scared after driving in a manual, then put off driving one for a few months... and by the time I start driving again, I have to re-learn everything. So now I'm just going Auto. Much easier.

Instructor said I was a pretty good driver, but go too wide when turning right after having to give way to another car... but it's not like I crash or anything, so it's not too bad really. I just need to work on it. Oh, and "dry steering." Like where I turn the wheel when my car isn't moving. That's bad apparently. I just automatically do it because absolutely everyone I've ever been in a car with does it! So have to unlearn that habit or I'll not go too well on my test. Otherwise I seem okay.

Skinny Jeans when you're NOT skinny, and Fat-Vag VS Bucket-Fucking

You know how I hate my body? Well, as weird as it is, I'm actually not even giving a crap lately.

I mean, I still dislike it. I still hate living in it, it still looks ugly naked, etc etc... but I am just less concerned than I normally would be. Instead, I feel like a hot plus-sized girl. You know how some plus-sizers are just ATTRACTIVE? Well, for some reason, I feel like I can put myself in this category... and it's strange because I'm fatter than I have been in a while (though not the fattest I've ever been). Perhaps it's because I know this won't last... that it's given me some freedom to simply dress well for my size and stop caring so much about it. I dunno.

I'm SO uncaring, that I'm doing something I would have never previously done - I've purchased a pair of black skinny-leg jeans. Now I was always of the belief that skinny legs looked WAY better on people that were actually skinny and had legs that were fairly straight-up-and-down... otherwise you end up with carrot legs. I'd seen plus-sized girls in them though, who looked awesome, but generally they were the plus-sizers who were tall and leggy anyway... something I absolutely am not. I'm all of 160cm... I'm short. But, screw it. I'm going to wear some skinny legs because it's cold. I need a tunic though - I don't want to scare little children with my camel-toe.

Speaking of camel-toes, and I know this is far too much information about my bajingo, but do any other plus-sizers have what I'd call a "puffy mound?" That sounds so wrong, but it's how it is for this fat girl. Not only am I overweight (well, obese), but my vagina is as well. That lovely flattish bit where women's "landing strip," or whatever you want to call it, would be? Well, mine's fat. Thing is, how the hell do you get your cha-cha to lose weight? Does it just happen when YOU lose weight? Lovely women I speak to elsewhere have suggested that perhaps it doesn't... or that it does, but then your partner expresses that he feels as if he's "fucking a bucket." lol. No joke, someone apparently said that.

So, is that all I get? A fat vag, or having a bucket-like punani? Sounds like a great choice... lol.

Girls on Film... (not really like Duran Duran's version though)

I don't have much to report, but I've started a VLOG on YouTube. It'll be seperate from this blog... but if you wanna keep track of it, here's my first entry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRX4MYFozJg

Otherwise, my weight this morning was 103.7kg, so I seem to hovering around this area... give or take a few kg either way. Still over 100kg no matter what happens, but I'm hopeful that'll get lower when I start on my shakes. I have no intention to lose weight until that point, just because this is perhaps the 1 time in my life I can just not give a shit about what I put into my mouth, so I'm going to enjoy it as best I can, whilst trying not to actually GAIN anything (little fluctuations don't bother me).

GET IN MY BELLY!

Gah!

For the first time in my life, I am not worrying about what I eat. I am just eating whatever I damn well feel like. I know my sleeve is coming up... so I think I've just kind of gone, "You know what? I'm gonna give myself a break!" but the problem is, I just keep on getting fatter.

I REALLY need to be a little less uncaring than I currently am. I don't want to stress about calories or anything because I am enjoying not really worrying about what I'm eating, but I'm SO unworried that I'm just being a pig. I think part of me is also thinking, "Oh, well, you won't be able to eat this sushi for quite some time after your operation... best get it in now!" and so I pig out.

I don't eat OFTEN, I think I just eat A LOT when I do eat lately. Somehow, I need to cut back. Of course, if this was that simple for me I wouldn't even need the sleeve in the first place... but I'm going to try. Instead of getting seconds because I want seconds, I might stop at my one serve. I think that's the problem - I'm overloading myself with food I don't really need to eat. It's weird because it's like emotional eating but not sure I'm feeling all that emotionally when I do binge... so I dunno.

Anyway, whatever the cause of it, I need to slow down and stop pigging out. Sick of getting fatter.

Very Quick Update - My Appointment with Dr Greenslade was today...

SO...

I'll be having my sleeve surgery done in the afternoon of September 5 (that's a Monday). YAY!

All went very easily - he understood from the outset that I wanted a sleeve rather than a band, but mentioned the pros and cons of both regardless. He told me he could see that I had read up and knew enough about the sleeve to make the right choice for myself, and so he booked me in.

I was sent to the receptionist to sign all the paperwork and recieve the information I needed... she was lovely, and she was SKINNY. I wouldn't have known she had the sleeve herself had she not have told me. I think she felt pretty happy when I told her that she looked like someone who had been thin all her life... she apparently organised to have hers done when she was 96kg, but was 89kg on her surgery date. She's now a size 10, and she's not saggy at all. Looked great.

Another woman came in while all this was going on, and wanted to share with me that she'd lost 40kg in the year since having her surgery and wanted to tell me that it's the best thing she's ever done for herself. Both were so very positive about having had the surgery, and it just filled me with hope. They also both reassured me that they thought it was great I was getting it done at a young age... because had they the opportunity to go back and do that, they would have absolutely done it.

Another great thing was that I got a goody-bag. Well, box, really.

In it, I was given...

7 sachets of Chocolate Optifast
7 sachets of Vanilla Optifast
4 sachets of Strawberry Optifast (I gave 3 to Mum, because I never like strawberry milkshakes, and she said she wouldn't mind giving the shakes a go just because she's lazy with meals...)
4 sachets of the coffee (mocha? something like that) Optifast (if anyone wants them, let me know. I will not be using them).
3 Chocolate-flavoured Opti bars
3 Berry-flavoured Opti bars
A bunch of soups (though I was assured they were disgusting... and given Mischa has said the same thing, I'm assuming they are absolutely foul to just about everyone who tries them...lol) (I think maybe 8 sachets of soups all up?)
3 choc mousse sachets
3 lemon mousse sachets
A weight measuring tape thing
A pack of 60 chewable orange-flavoured multivitamins
A little plastic bowl that has measurements on it, so you know how much you're eating (I was told to keep this for post-sleeve meals)
AND... a shaker so I can make my opti drinks in there.

How awesome is that? That's a LOT of stuff and considering it's bloody costly stuff, generally, I'm quite impressed.

I was also told that I needn't have the soups if I didn't want - and instead source similar shakes-diet soups from other programs and use them instead. So that'll be good. 2 weeks on Optifast for me pre-surgery too... though the doctor told me that if I couldn't manage that, then whatever I could manage would do well enough. I think he says this because I'm not as big as some of the other people he sees? I dunno, maybe he says that to everyone?

My post-op diet (as per my info pack) looks a lot different to some others too. From day 3 or 4 I can start on purees... and then from week 4 I'll be on soft foods (and the list I have includes well-cooked pastas and the like - no bread though, but I can have toast). Of course, this is so long as I can tolerate purees before moving on to soft foods... if I suck with the purees I'll have to be on them for longer until I advance.

In hospital, I'll have a buzzer to administer any drugs I'll need to relieve pain... but I'll also have to get shots in the leg for clots... which I am not looking foward to.

I'll also have Foxtel and wireless internet in hospital... but I have to pay $25 a day for that. That's not optional though. I've also been told to ring up and REQUEST a private room... they won't give me one if I don't ask, but are likely to give me one (if there's room of course) if I ask for it. So will be doing that when I ring up to give them my details.

So yeah... it's all going ahead, and now I've just got to wait.

TBH, I'm quite excited about it all... and cannot wait for September to hurry up!

I really enjoyed my appointment, but mostly the relating to the other sleevers... they were all so positive and it was a tiny bit emotional really. Not enough to cry or anything stupid like that... but it felt like we all "got" each other in that small moment, even though I'm sure we're all so different from each other.