Unexpected Changes Post-Sleeve

It's about time I updated. I wasn't really sure what to write, but last night, after having some god-awful pain triggered by (I assume) over-the-counter medication, I decided that I'd write about the way MY life changed after having the sleeve, that I wasn't really expecting.

Medication 
 A few years ago I had my gallbladder removed thanks to numerous gallstones clogging up my biliary tract and giving me horrible gallbladder attacks (some stones were golf-ball sized!). After a lot of stuffing around by idiotic hospital staff, it was finally removed and life attack-free was marvellous. Until... sometime early this year.

Around March/April I started having what felt exactly like gallbladder attacks. These tend to feel like a tightening around the ribs (where your bra band would sit), and it quickly intensifies into a horrible pain that radiates to your back and is just agonising. Then, all of a sudden, it ends. Nothing you do will end the pain (though going to the ER and being dosed with morphine did help during actual gallbladder attacks, lol), so you just have to sit through them. Luckily, the attacks earlier this year were nothing like the 24-hour attack I had before my gallbladder was actually removed, but I might get 2-3 1/2hour length attacks in an evening. It was pretty brutal and obviously prevented me from sleeping.

Eventually, I realised that what was preceding these attacks was pain medication. Occasionally I have pretty bad headaches and I dose myself up on drugs to sleep. Codeine-laden drugs. Ah. So I googled. Apparently, gallbladder removal can result in a sensitivity to codeine, bringing on these gallbladder-like attacks. Numerous people online were complaining of similar, so the answer was simple - no more codeine. Since stopping the codeine, I've been fine.

Now, this has nothing to do with the sleeve, right? It's just about the gallbladder op isn't it? Not exactly. I have no idea why, but I was always fine with codeine after my gallbladder was removed. It wasn't until I started losing weight after my sleeve that I had issues with codeine. Not even immediately after my sleeve. I had codeine several times post-sleeve with no issues, but since about March, it's been a no-go for me, resulting in attacks every time. At first I could take only ONE codeine tablet in 24 hours and be fine, but now I can take none at all.

As I said, I've been avoiding codeine for a while now and everything's been okay. Until yesterday, when I gave myself some Imodium/Gastro-Stop type of pharmacy-branded medication. I'd had gastro for a few days, but yesterday I travelled to a theme park with family and while I'd been fine, I wanted to be safe. After lunch, I had the feeling that something wasn't right, so popped 2 pills (as the packet suggested to do) in the hopes that if anything was going to go wrong down there, it'd hold right up and leave me alone for a few hours.

Instead, an hour or so later, wandering around with my family, I got a crippling attack, just the same as when I'd had codeine. I searched for the packet, and found no codeine listed as an ingredient (it would be odd for it to be in there, but I had to check). I had my attack, it eased, and I carried on my merry way. There was still a very mild sensation that an attack might be imminent however, so I tried to go easy on myself (though, of course, an attack doesn't care what you're doing and will come at you whether you're running on a treadmill or sleeping in bed, so me trying to take things slowly would have had no effect either way).

Fortunately, I made it out of the theme park with just one attack, but on the way home as we stopped for a toilet break and some drinks at a service station, I had another. I sat in the car for the first and brought my legs up to my chin (I find the compression it gives tends to ease pain slightly) and grunted and groaned in pain quietly (my daughter was asleep and I didn't want to wake her), and it eased. Scared it might not have fully dissipated, I decided to stay in that position a few minutes longer (my partner had gone inside to use the toilet and get refreshments, so it was just me and a sleeping child in the car). That's when the next wave hit, and it was horrible. Perhaps the worst one I've had. No, it didn't last the 24 hours one of my previous attacks had, but it was intense. My partner returned and started driving home, while I was still mid-attack. He was trying to ask my questions but honestly, I couldn't care less what he was saying. I was in agonising pain and if I had something sharp on me, I would have dug under my ribcage trying to remove whatever it was that was causing the pain.

Drama queen? Perhaps. It was pretty horrible though, and something I don't want to experience again anytime soon. Luckily, I've been perfectly fine today.

So 3 attacks from 2 pills containing stuff other than codeine. It might be a result of the sleeve, or a result of the weight loss caused by the sleeve in conjunction with my missing gallbladder, but whatever it was, it was horrible.

Medication was not really something I thought I'd have to worry about after my sleeve (other than during the healing time), so it's definitely something unexpected.

Taste-Changes
I know I talk about my tastes changing post-op, but it wasn't something I had expected before I had my sleeve. All the blogs and forums and such I read about the sleeve never mentioned changing tastes, or perhaps I just overlooked those posts. Regardless, I hadn't expected for it to change as it has.

From the first few days until now, things have gone back to normal a little. In the early days, chocolate was horrible. Now, not so much. Some things still taste less than impressive these days though, whereas before the sleeve, I couldn't get enough. Not really a fan of Quarter Pounders or anything like that, KFC makes me feel ill but the flavour is also not that amazing, and pizza (though I've never been a huge pizza-fan anyway) is not something I'm keen on. Creamy pastas are not just wasted calories but are just not all that nice in flavour, and while I used to love Burger Rings, I just couldn't care less about them these days.

Old flame: Double Quarter Pounder... no more.

All of this, of course, is fabulous because those things are pretty counter-productive to losing weight and getting healthier.

The other thing though, is that I find I have brand-new food loves... like noodles. I don't know why, but sometimes, I'll drive 1/2 hr just to go get myself some delicious Pad Thai or similar. Yes, I eat the smallest amount and am then eating Pad Thai for the next few meals, but I just adore it and numerous other noodle dishes. Fish is another new-love. I haven't disliked fish previously, but I really love it now. Same with steak. Sometimes, I just feel like a steak. I never felt like that pre-op.

I also have a thing for lollies, which is obviously not a good thing... but this is new, as pre-op, I loved chocolate and chips and fatty foods... but never lollies. Some days I sit around for hours just thinking about all the delicious lollies I'm trying to avoid driving to go buy and eat.

I had expected to only be able to eat tiny amounts of certain foods, and to try and eat better and focus on protein, but I didn't expect that my food preferences would completely change.

Clothing
I didn't expect to not fit into clothes. I thought to myself, "once I lose weight, I will be able to walk into any shop and find something to fit!" Many sleevers CAN do this, and feel great about it, and I think that may be something that leaves me feeling a bit ripped off.

Look, I can go into more shops than I could and fit into more things than I could pre-sleeve, but my bust hasn't decreased as much as my back has, and so instead of a 20E, I'm a 12FF. Only 2 cup sizes different, but plus-size clothes expect that you have a decent-sized bust. Standard sizes seem to expect you're no bigger than a large C, at most.

I can find clothes to fit, but usually I'm searching for stretch, or buttons I can undo. Either that, or buying big and using belts to cinch in the waist. It's not as difficult and not as costly as shopping as a plus-size woman, but it's certainly not a difficulty I expected to have to deal with now. I had gone into this weight loss gig thinking I would fit into most things. Now, I find most things will not fit.

Hopefully, with coming fashion trends, the high necklines will disappear and I'll be able to fit into more things (lower necklines are much more generous to a bigger bust). Unfortunately, that's not going to solve the problem of swimwear, which I'm now going to have to spend a fortune on to find a good fit.

I know how this would sound to those who haven't had their op yet too... "What a whingy bitch, doesn't she realise how lucky she is?!" which brings me to my next unexpected point...

Satisfaction
You know how you see skinny girls whinging about their "fat belly" or something else, and you can't even see what they're going on about, roll your eyes and think, "Doesn't that bitch realise how lucky she is? I would KILL to be her size!" Yeah, well, that can become you post-sleeve.

You see, pre-sleeve, I wanted to get to a 12. A size 12 and I'd be happy. Well, here I am, size 12, and I still want to be smaller. I still pick at my flaws, they're just different to my previous ones. Instead of "look how enormous I am," it's become, "Gross... look at all my sag."

My saggy inner-thigh. Taken to share with sleever friends.

Don't get me wrong, I am MUCH happier being a size 12 than I ever was a 22. Oh, yes, I figured out what size I would have actually been pre-op. A 22. I didn't know this as I only wore City Chic clothing, which is quite generous and flattering... but yep, a size 22. Anyway, of course I'm happier being a 12 than a 22, but it's still not good enough.

I think counselling should be mandatory as a part of this journey, because in all honesty, if you're a self-hater, you're going to be a self-hater even once you lose weight, you'll just find other parts of yourself to focus on instead. For me, it's mostly sag. Or really dumb things, like my hair. I cut my hair short, and dyed it red. I felt really really hideous for a while and thought I looked like a boy. Too masculine. Not feminine. I would ONLY wear dresses, and always wear make-up, girly shoes, earrings, rings and bracelets. And nail polish. I wouldn't go outside without these things on, because I was assured people would think I looked butch otherwise.

Can you see how that might be pretty much the same as a fat girl who thinks she needs to dress up and look good enough so that perhaps she might be forgiven for being fat? Like her nice clothes might make up for the fact she was fat? Well, yeah, I was doing that... except about a hairstyle.

I'm also not skinny enough, and I want to get smaller. I knew I had wanted to get to 70kg then reassess, so it's not too unexpected there, but I did expect to be feeling much smaller than I actually do now that I'm almost there (71.2kg as of yesterday).

You say to yourself, "once I get to XXkg I'll be happy," but it's not always true, and it's just not something I expected to feel post-op.

Uncertainty
So... if I'm not the fat girl, who am I? I'm not really sure how to define myself anymore, and it actually feels really strange. I know we're all about not labelling ourself, not boxing ourselves in and whatnot these days, but in a way, it's comforting to have a neat little label you can stick on yourself. There's numerous labels you could give a person, but "fat girl," was always my defining one. Now that I've lost weight, what label do I get?

I'm not fat anymore. I know I have fat on me, but I'd say "fat" wouldn't be a word all but the nasty and very picky would use to describe me (not as the first few words anyway). I'm not skinny either. I'm just kind of middle-of-the-road. I guess all other "looks" labels don't really say as much about me as fat did either. Big-busted means I wear a large-letter on my bra tag, but it doesn't really say who I am. Nor does short. Nor does brunette. Nor does any other looks-based label like "fat girl," did.

It's also hard to talk to fat people about weight struggles if they didn't know you as a fat person. They look at you like, "wtf would you know?" Just as I would have if I was whinging about being 107kg and they were all, "I know, I really want to lose 5kg to get to 65kg." I would be thinking, "Pfft. Wtf? That's not a problem! 5kg is nothing!" I would think they were stupid to even presume they could relate. People who don't know I was fat, or even those who know I was but didn't know me then, react like that. Like I'm being a condescending bitch or just have no idea wtf they're going through.

Never-been-fat people are hard to relate to as well. Their "Oh, I want to lose 5kg," stuff still seems pretty unimportant. They still have their "when I was a skinny teenager and had a million friends and guys after me..." type stories are not tales I can relate to.

I just don't know how to describe it to someone who hasn't been there, but it honestly wasn't something I had expected to feel. Now I'm just an "ex-fatty," and that's it, and yet it doesn't seem to encompass me as a person as much as "fat girl," did, and it just feel a wee bit frightening...

Arrogance
Sometimes, I notice I'm getting arrogant. Don't get me wrong, confidence is good. I've noticed that I've stopped worrying about my partner leaving me... but then sometimes I feel a surge of arrogance surrounding that thought, and add an internal, "and if he did, I could find me someone else easily!" or even, "and why would he want to? I look hot now!"

I know this sounds contradictory to the not-being-satisfied point made above, and yeah, it is. My head is a bit mess of contradictions and confusion. This is not ongoing, endless arrogance, it's fleeting. It pops up, I'm arrogant for a few thoughts, then it goes away again and I'm feeling like I'm not good enough again.

The arrogance is not usually something I let out vocally, or even care to admit publically, but in the name of keeping this blog honest, here it is. It's usually something I think, and then stop think, "Whoa, that was seriously up-yourself!" Things like a guy cracking onto me in a club and me, internally, rolling my eyes and thinking, "Really dude? Do you really think I couldn't do better than you if I was looking?!" Yes, that kind of horrible arrogance. It makes me feel dreadful too, after it disappears again.

I have no idea why it happens, but I do suspect it might have to do with the fact that I'm getting treated in a way I have never been treated previously. People are nice to me. People are more willing to help me out. People compliment me randomly. Shop girls want to make pointless conversation with me. Guys will choose to try and chat me up rather than one of my pretty friends first (never happened until I had the op). Health care professionals are nicer to me. Freaking EVERYONE is nicer to me, and it's weird. Even my horrible brother-in-law treats me nicely, and he's not a particularly nice person anyway. It's this whole new way of being treated, of being noticed, and I suppose I may be unprepared for it all... and thus occasionally, get arrogant because of it.

I hadn't expected to become an arrogant jerk from time-to-time, and I am thankful that it's something I am able to to keep to myself, but it's a bit of a shock all the same.

...

I hope that wasn't too much of a downer, but they are some of the things I've experienced since the sleeve that I had not expected to, and I think it's important to share that info with potential sleevers. Please keep in mind that this is one person's experience, and it doesn't have to be yours... but it's worth considering there will likely be things you experience that you didn't expect to. Plan ahead, but arming yourself with a good counsellor to see you through!

Anyway, in other news... 71.2kg as I mentioned before. Chipping away slowly. Almost at 70kg so would like to make my new goal 65kg. There it is - first time written down, officially. I have no care for how long that takes. I am not going to disappoint myself by setting a time-limit on it. It'll happen when and if it happens. I've been quite slack with my exericise lately, but I do hope that after I finish my studies I can get back into it a bit more gung-ho.