Wowing, New Dress Happiness and Finally Accepting I'm a Vain Twit

Does every fat person look forward to the day when they can show up at a get-together or some sort, and "wow," everyone with their weight loss? I know it's not just me, but I wonder if it's something that just about every person trying to lose a decent amount of weight thinks about.

I have 2 groups of people I want to "wow."

My relatives (on my father's side) get together annually sometime close to Christmas... usually November, so it's not TOO close to Christmas. Anyway, there's a general saying about how girls in our family are fat/chubby/etc from the get-go... and the boys are all weedy and then get fat later on in life (mid-20s ish, usually). So basically, all of those with that blood in us are fat at one point or another.

I cannot wait to go to a family get-together and NOT be a fat girl of our family... but to be reasonably SLIM but still a part of the family. It's not that anyone's specifically mocked ME above the rest of the girls in our family, but I just don't want to be another face in the crowd. I want to be different. I am different in other ways already - they all think I'm a weird hippy, and I've always been on a different wavelength... I just don't want to blend in because I look like one of them. I want to look different. I don't even know why tbh.

I suspect this year there'll not be any "wow," moments because although I'll have lost weight by the time the get-together comes, it won't be an amazing amount that will stun everyone... so I'm hanging out for NEXT YEAR when that'll hopefully happen. Even if nobody says anything about it to me, I just want to feel that they notice.

In 2 years I'll have been out of school for 10 years. I have no idea if a reunion of any sort will be organised, but if it is, I want to show up SLIM. I've never been slim, and never was in high school... and some people were a bit cruel about this. I want to rock up and look good, and have something to show for myself too. I don't have any amazing career or anything happening yet, so I can't do a "stick this up your jumper!" to them all about that... so at the very least, I just want to look good.

As you can see, I'm vain. I didn't think I was vain previously... but all this blogging has taught me that I am actually really bloody vain. It's embarrassing how focused on my appearance I am... as if I will be "better," than others if I look better than I currently do. Rationally, I know this isn't true, but I suppose it's how I've always felt, it's just that being physically attractive has always been a distant goal... something that I would not reach, and something that I needn't bother with, so instead I just agonise over how hideous I find myself. Now though, it seems like it's a possibility for me. I'll never look like I belong in a men's magazine or anything (not that I really want that, but hopefully you know what I mean), but I will at least look a lot better than I currently do... and I really hope that it suits me. I've always felt like a pretty girl in an ugly girl's body...

GOD! I am so freaking vain. lol. I almost make myself sick with all this "I wanna be beautiful," nonsense... but it's all true which is the sad part.

I can tell you that I want this surgery for health all I want - and I do... I want to live long and I want to be physically well... BUT if I could have surgery to make me physically well and allow me to live comfortably but never to lose weight and look good, I wouldn't take it. I would not have this surgery if not for the promise of looking smaller. Health is a great bonus... comfort is another bonus that will be much appreciated... but how I'll look is the biggest reward for me, and that's just pathetic.

I am a sick product of society I think... and then I have feminism living in one part of my brain, but patriarchy hiding out in another. I'm all mixed up inside... being a bit of this and a bit of that... not really making much sense. I also suspect this post will make little sense to anyone but me - so I apologise if this is all too confusing.

After the above, a change of subject, something lighter, seemed like a good idea... and then I realised that my choice of new subject would have been just as superficial as my wanting to be skinnier above all else... but I'll post it anyway, because I suppose being shallow is just a part of me, albeit a part I've denied having for as long as I can remember. Best accept it - I'm a shallow bitch. *sigh*

Well anyway, I went shopping yesterday... I need new clothes, but it's so hard because I know what I buy now won't fit later... so do I buy to fit now, or later? Well, I needed clothes now, so I got something to fit for now. I spent $120 on a dress... I don't know why, I never spend that kind of money on clothes, but I guess I figured I'd only wear it for a short time then flog it off on eBay, where City Chic clothes re-sell fairly well. Yep, again with the City Chic. lol.

Well here it is:

Isn't it pretty?

I'd post a pic of me wearing it for you all, but my camera needs new batteries. It looks a bit darker in real life... it's a really nice colour though. The weather is getting a bit warmer, and a lot of my stuff just isn't Winter-friendly, plus I lost some buttons off one of my skirts, and can't wear it until I can get some new ones... plus I'm generally feeling quite ugly lately, so a new dress might help that... yes, I am that bad that a new pretty dress can brighten my mood considerably.

I also got some PJs for the hospital. I have PJs, but the kind that I could easily pop a boob out of while sleeping, and I do not really want that happening in hospital. I got a summer dressing gown (robe?) thing too so I can still wear my dodgy PJs but keep my bits adequately covered. Made sure to get a drawstring waist in the pants so they can worn even with weight loss. I predict this Summer will be an expensive one due to needing new clothes in new sizes for the new season.

Thanks also to Lyric - whoever you are - for sending me a link in the comments of a previous post. I read through the thread you linked to... and it's so sad to see that I am not alone in feeling rubbish about how I look. I really have no sole person to blame for my issues though - I can see where some of my problems may have come about, but not anything particularly specific... I guess I covered some of it in my first posts about how I became the way I am... but I guess I have no real idea just WHERE these issues arose or else they might be easier to deal with. Regardless, I appreciate your comment/link.