Upping the Protein, Rockabilly-Free and Trying to Accept I'm NEVER Goingt to be Perfect...

No matter how often we sleevers talk about protein being important, there comes a time when you just go "stuff you protein," and don't eat it. Or, you do, just not enough. I've realised that, 10 months out, I have to eat protein every single meal and snack to get my 60g in, but there are times when you're sick of animal products, nuts, legumes, etc, and just want to eat salad. Or bread. Or something that's lacking in the protein department.

Recently though, I started freaking about my lack of protein intake, and how it was making my hair fall out. My hair has thinned so much, that I was beginning to worry I'd go bald. I was even googling wigs just in case the time came when that's what I needed, I was so concerned it would happen. Despite my daily intake of a million vitamins... (well, not a million... but more than I'd prefer to consume on a daily basis), I knew that none of them would miraculously stop my hair falling out, and knew the only way to do that was to up my protein and MAKE SURE I get the most in that I can.

My first step was to simply chop my hair off. I know that seems like it has nothing to do with protein, and you're right... but I was freaking about going bald, and having long hair weighing itself down made me worry I was contributing to the appearance of thinning hair, and figured perhaps a lighter-weight hairstyle would help. I'm not sure it's helped me look any less bald, but it is a lot easier to deal with. So... my hair:

I also hope this means that when the new growth shows up, it'll fill out quicker if I keep my hair short. I'm really hoping that this hair-loss thing has ceased now, and that new growth is ready to appear!

The next step, obviously, is to simply up my protein intake. The problem is, protein supplements are so hideous I cannot bring myself to voluntarily eat them. The Atkins Advantage bars are okay, however, and depending on which ones you get, can give you about 10-20g protein per bar. I could manage one for breakfast, so that's one thing I've been doing. I've also given myself unlimited access to Chic Nuts, which is a brand of roasted chickpeas. Of course, you can make your own, which I've tried, but mine never seem to come out very well. Luckily, I can just buy Chic Nuts and eat them pre-made... 10g protein per 50g, which is decent.

There's the Pork Krackles. Now trust me when I say these are not for everyday consumption... they're really unhealthy... BUT... if you're wanting junk food or you've realised you've had about zero protein intake, they're okay to have on occasion. For a 50g bag (it's a decent size packet, so don't expect to be able to eat it all in one sitting!), you've got 35.4g protein. That's more than 1/2 of what I need, so I keep 2 packets of these in the cupboard just in case I need a protein hit, or have the urge to eat something junky and salty (like chips, I suppose).... I can go have these instead. Still rubbish, but at least high-in-protein rubbish!

Tins of tuna, and tins of chicken (which I have yet to try, but other sleevers swear by them!) are another easy protein option... as well as just dairy. Protein powders will be useful too, of course, but bleh... I tried adding some plain (flavourless) protein powder to my porridge recently and just couldn't eat it. I think it's not so much the taste, but the colour and texture. It just grosses me out... for no real reason.

Now, with this increase of protein, I've also managed to SHED SOME MORE WEIGHT. Only a teeny tiny amount, but I'm now 73.7kg! I was thrilled to see 73 on the scales as it's a number I've never seen before... and wasn't sure I was ever going to see. I'm still doing Zumba and weights but I think if I wanted to lose a lot more I'd have to seriously go hardcore with the exercise, and I just HATE exercise so much that I think I'd rather remain where I am forever than spend 7 days in a gym doing hardcore workouts. So many sleevers are bitten by the gym bug and LOVE it.... but me? I dunno, I still hate it. Exercise and me are just not friends.

In other news, I'm doing my course still, and have moved on to the 2nd trimester... massage, nutrition, advanced facials, make-up and a bunch of other random theory subjects which are quite pointless and obviously designed for absolute morons (doing workbooks with a picture of a person with a sad face, and being asked, "What emotion do you think this person is experiencing?"... *sigh* I think my daughter could pass that subject!).

I'm really enjoying the make-up side of it all, partly because it's where I excell. I'm feeling really down lately though, because I know it's not something I can do professionally (be a make-up artist). The hours a make-up artist works are just not compatible with motherhood... daycare is not open at those times, and I'm not sure if I could rely on the bf to take care of my daughter if I had a make-up job booked on a weekend, as he sometimes works weekends himself. I'm still considering trying to work something out though, because I just love doing it... and yes, I'll toot my own horn... I'm good at it too. I'm going to try and find the money to get a professional make-up kit and see if I can start doing formals or weddings or something... maybe. I don't know. It may just be a pipedream for now...

I've also got a progress shot to share. Going to wear this dress out in a few weeks when I go out with the girls from school. I'm not 100% I can pull it off, but I wanted to go with something that was NOT rockabilly/pinup... I wanted to do my make-up different, and since I now have short hair, I just wanted a slightly different look. Of course I still want something pulled in at the waist, because I think that's what best flatters my figure... but anyway...

It's shorter than I'm used to, but this season's fashion seems to be particularly hideous in general, and very loose and high-necked and unflattering to my shape... so I got what I could. I'll just ignore my knees and pretend that I don't hate them. I need to accept I'll never be perfect, and it's something I'm trying to accept now that I've lost weight. Some days I feel so down that I'm not 50kg or something ridiculous... or I ignore my size and instead focus on my floppy stomach, or think about how I'd like a much smaller nose... and lately even thinking about if a surgery exists to re-shape my eyes. It's just getting a bit insane, and I refuse to turn into Heidi Montag and be a perfectly fine woman who just loathes herself so much she goes and lets a surgeon hack her up and turn her into a freak. I need to NOT let that happen to me, but I'm very aware that I seem to be addicted to hating myself and finding faults in everything to do with myself... so I'm TRYING to readjust my thinking and am trying to realise that I might not be perfect, but that's just fine. Nobody I know in life is perfect... and yet if any of them talked about themselves the way I talk about myself, I'd think they were batshit crazy.

I also need to stop calling myself fat. I think calling yourself fat is fine... if you're fat. I am aware I am still far from skinny, but I think that realistically, I am probably on the chubby side of average at the moment. When I talk about being fat to people who have only ever known me as this size, they look at me like I'm either joking, am delusional, or am being condescending and nasty to other fat people. I think just because I know my own history doesn't mean everyone else does... and I think to try and relate to obese people right now is, unless they know my history, taken the wrong way and is insulting at best. I used to hate it when a size 12/14 girl would pretend she knew what it was like to be plus-sized... and I don't want to become that girl to other bigger people...

Anyway, as always... I am rambling...