So, I went out as I said I would and had a blast. Though, I got really really drunk, something I thought wasn't likely to happen with the sleeve. I had vodka and oranges all night... with more vodka than you'd usually add because I wrongly assumed I'd only be able to have about 2 drinks, so I might as well make it worth it.
Turns out, I had an endless amount of room in my belly for those drinks, and went through A LOT of them. God only knows how many... so basically, I was drunk off my face.
Now I'm not sure about you, but when I'm drunk, I tend to have absolutely no filter between my head and my mouth. I kind of lack one anyway, and often just say things other people might keep to themselves because I see no point in keeping a lot of thoughts quiet - people who do this are often in shock when they FINALLY have a conversation about something they'd usually never mention, and then realise that there are a whole lot of other people just like them out there. Well, for that reason, I am pretty open about what I talk about. I don't want to be shocked, I want to be reassured I am normal, and reassure others that they are not alone too.
Anyway, I still have SOME sort of minor filter when I'm sober, but when I'm drunk, endless word vomit spews from my mouth. Apparently on the night we went out, my issues were how fat I was. Now, look, if you ask me how fat I am now, I'd say I'm probably chubby, but I don't think too many people would see me and the first thing they'd think is "fat," so I don't really think I'm fat anymore... but obviously I still think I am somewhere inside, because all I could talk about was how fat I was. Well, I talked about a bunch of other things too, but being fat was a bit part of it according to the girls I went out with.
I guess that's the problem with weight loss too... you may go from plus-sized to a size 12/14 (as I currently am), but it's hard to mentally accept and embrace that. I TECHNICALLY know I'm not a plus-sized girl, but I feel I can better relate to them when we're talking about clothes shopping as such, and I know sometimes girls bigger than I currently am will be talking and I'll be all, "Oh, I know..." and they look at me like I'm being a condescending bitch, because they don't know I've previously been just as big (or close enough to, anyway) as they are.
I see gaps where I could potentially sit and think, "No, I won't fit there... that's a space for skinny girls." Then, I'll usually get hassled by whoever I'm with to just sit there, and I'll reluctantly give it a go, just waiting for the moment I have to stand back up because I'm just too cramped, only to discover that not only can I fit there, but that I am not squashed and may even have a little room either side of me. I still think like a fat girl. My head still tells me I'm a fat girl. It still plans for being fat. It's something that I think only time will assist me with. Then again, I've got a friend who lost a huge amount of weight and is now what I'd call skinny (not even just average-sized, but skinny), and I know there's a fat boy still living in his head... so I wonder if it ever completely goes away. After spending most of my years being bigger than average, and then fat... well, I think it's going to be a tough habit to break.
Anyway, as I said, my night out was great. It was the first time I have ever been out and not been treated like "The Fat Friend." I hate that. That was always me. The fact friend of the hot girl. I think I made me friends look even more attractive just because people had a comparison to draw between them and me... and it was quite depressing when a cute boy would come over to you, and you'd think, "Wow, has my luck changed?" only to discover they just want you to convince your friend to talk/dance/etc with them. You smile, and you pretend it doesn't matter... you don't need a man, or maybe you have a boyfriend... but when the only people who've really ever purchased drinks for you are your friends, yourself or a guy so drunk he can't even stand up on his own, well, it's a little sad. All these other friends have stories of guys practically falling at their feet, and yet you've never experienced such a thing. It's hard.
It's not that I particularly WANT a bunch of guys to want me either. It's just that I've never had that, and yet watched all my friends have it. It would be NICE to be offered a free drink from a nice guy. It would be NICE for them not to treat you like the fat friend. It would be NICE to be viewed as something other than simply a fat girl. And it WAS nice. For once I felt that my fat didn't stop things for me... I felt like I could talk to people I didn't know, because they weren't going to be thinking, "Ew, fat girl, leave me alone!" Men and women. To be quite honest, I spend more time talking to girls when I'm drunk than guys, because I have no interest in picking up. I have a partner - why would I need a man? I am GRATEFUL when they pay me attention, say something nice, etc... and I knew I'd be disappointed if that didn't happen at all, but guys can say things just because they think you're drunk and therefore an easy way to score. You can't trust that what they say is genuine. Girls though, they're more picky about who they compliment on a night out, so when they say something nice, you know you can trust that it's not because they're trying to get something from you. I had a few comments on my dress, and a few people that were just nice in general, and it was great.
I took a photo, to show you guys what I looked like. Well, we took many photos... all of which were taken drunk and are really poor-quality shots. This is probably the best I can offer (of myself). Please excuse our duckfaces... it was intentional (we decided to have a "duckface FB going out photo" since it seems to be the thing to do... lol).
I also adore this photo because girls either side of me are a size 8 and while it's clear I'm bigger than they are, I'm not OVERWHELMINGLY bigger than they are.
On the eating front, my day tends to go:
Porridge with skim milk (for protein).
3 crackers with lite cheese for morning tea (protein in the cheese).
Half a protein-heavy sandwich, or maybe 1/2 a cup of some sort of meaty casserole, or maybe 1 sushi roll (or rather 3/4 most of the time). Lunch usually takes about 1/2 hour to get through.
I don't usually have an afternoon tea snack, but if I do, I'll usually try and grab something like a small tin of baked beans for protein, but I'll also have a pear or something if I can.
Dinner will be about 1/2 cup of food. eg: half cup of beef and red wine casserole, 1.5 lean chipolata sausages (in a devilled sausage dish) with maybe 1 teaspoon of mash, a very small portion of steak with a floret of brocolli and a teaspoon of peas... etc. Something like that. I DO have rice or pasta or whatever on occasion, but prefer to avoid them most of the time.
I'm also continuing to do Zumba 3 times a week, weights 4 times... and I do squats whenever I remember and have free time (like in the shower or while I'm brushing my teeth).
I'm also freezing cold most of the time, which really sucks. I have about 2 cardigans, 1 pair of jeans and mostly just Summer dresses, so I really need to go and get my laybys off. I have 2 coats, a long-sleeved dress and some pants in there... so hopefully that will help. I also just need some more cardigans. It's so expensive starting a Winter wardrobe from scratch, so it's taking me a long time to do it, but I'm getting to the point where I'm going to spend all my time sick of I don't.
Anyway, till next time... xx
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