Screw You Zoo!

Something really made me annoyed the other day. Yesterday I think - so Saturday.

Basically, DP came home from work (he worked Saturday - LAME!) with a ZOO magazine. His explanation was he wanted to read the Osama Bin Laden jokes (they had a heap of tacky jokes in there that immature minds find funny - DP being one of those...lol)... though I think the amount of semi-nude girls in there certainly didn't discourage him from buying it either.

Now I know what you're thinking - you're thinking you're knowing where this is heading and I got shirty because I was jealous and DP was being a perve... blah blah. Well, actually, no. That would often by my annoyance, but I'm over that. DP can look at girls like that if he wants - I've finally realised that he loves me, and accepts me as I am and knows I'll never look like those girls... he probably also knows that those girls would probably irritate the shit out of him anyway if he was in a relationship with one of them.

No, what I got angry about was the way girls/women are portrayed and treated in magazines like that... and how it teaches not only young men, but also young women, that a girl is worth little more than her looks. Actually, her face doesn't even matter - usually just her body. Her face can be a bonus, but the body is the important part. How does she look good naked? Are her boobs perky enough? Is her bum full enough, but not TOO full? How hairy is she? Etc etc etc.

It just pisses me off.

I mean, just look at the types of girls and images you'll see in these types of magazines...

 Is this how guys expect girls to be?  

Why even bother with a bikini at all Emily Scott?



And so they learn that boobs shouldn't sag when in that position...

See what I mean? It doesn't even matter what these girls are like. What they think. What they want in life. No, just show us the tits and arse and the "come fuck me," eyes and that's all that matters. Boys are taught that this is ideal... and therefore your average girl just doesn't compare to this. As they get older, they realise that this isn't really how girls are... but in the back of the their minds I bet a decent number of them are wishing we were...

At the same time though, girls aren't immune from Zoo mag. Their brothers, friends, fathers buy it and they see it. Even if they don't see Zoo mag, they see enough in everyday life to get the same sort of message - that all that matters is how you look... and how willing you are to put out. So, they start to pose like this, get the big fake boobs, and criticise their bodies for being normal because we're being taught that normal is ugly, and that a body is far more attractive when having been previously carved up by a surgeon's knife to contain all sorts of fake bits and pieces.

THIS stuff is the reason I hate myself. THIS stuff has taught me that I am not good enough... and it's taught the world that I'm not good enough.

I mean, having a good ol' perve on naked chicks isn't new... but what's considered attractive is certainly more fake than it used to be. They used to have it RIGHT in the past...


Titian knew women often have a small podge of a belly on them... and that it's normal and beautiful!




Unlike Zoo, Rubens taught people that women are beautiful when they're natural

I mean, look at this? THIS I have no issue with, because it's realistic. THAT is what so many women look like naked... HEALTHY WOMEN. I mean, I don't look like that naked - I look way worse - but I'm not healthy. These women would have been (as healthy as one could be living during that period). They have flesh on their upper-arms, they have creases on their stomachs when they sit, their jawlines are soft because they have a bit of flesh there. SO different to what Zoo advertises the ideal woman to be.

The fact is, no woman looks like Krystal or Emily or any of the other girls in Zoo without SOME help. That might just be being smothered in make-up, but it can also mean injections into various parts of their body, implants (more often than not), and probably pretty restrictive diets and exercise routines. Guys are taught to want a woman who looks like this - but the reality is, a woman who looks like that would probably be a hell of a lot of work as she'd spend a lot of time and money fussing over her looks, her food, her exercise etc etc.

When you just wanna curl up and watch a movie with some popcorn, she's probably freaking about what that popcorn will do to her thighs. When you take her out to a nice restaurant, she's counting every calorie of food she's popping into her mouth knowing how far she's going to have to run to burn it off later. When you think she's got great tits, it's because she's felt so bad about how they were in their natural state that she went to a surgery and asked him to hack them open and insert a foreign object in there just so guys like you can think they look good. Or just because she thinks they look good... but that's likely BECAUSE of guys like you who've produced magazines like Zoo who've taught her that she's not good enough unless her boobs look like that.

It just gives me the shits that my daughter is living in a world where her peers will be taught that they are not good enough as they are, and that they need big, gravity-defying tits, be smothered in orange fake take, be willing to look like they're ready for penetration at any given moment... not even just ready, but LONGING for it... because that's all she wants. To please you. To look hot and to get fucked. That's what Zoo teaches - and I'm just over it.

The sad thing is, despite knowing all of this... I still feel ugly compared to those girls. Look at them. Their smooth skin, which is no doubt a result of make-up and photoshop as well as endless exercise and a strict diet, makes me jealous. Their gravity-defying boobs make mine appear even saggier (though for their size and the fact they're natural, and the fact I've had a kid, mine are quite alright) and that upsets me. Those girls just rub it in that I am not good enough. They tell me I'm not good enough and they tell everyone else I'm not good enough and for all that I LOATHE magazines like Zoo for treating women like that, I loathe myself even more for not BEING like that... and MY GOD that sucks! To KNOW that my expectations are not realistic, and yet feel not good enough regardless.

If teen boys want to have a perve on naked girls - whatever. I know teenagers (actually, males of all ages) can be right perverts... but why not show a girl as she is? Why does she have to waif-thin with huge fake boobs, hair extensions, fake tan, and pulling a "yes please!" face? Why can't she just be pretty as she is, naturally? Why can't that be sexy enough?

Sorry for the rant, it just really pissed me off.


Loan is a bitch, so is Winter shopping...

Haven't posted in a bit because...well...I'm annoyed. I want to know whether I've got the freaking loan or not. Yes or no. That's all I want to know!

Anyway, apart from that...

I've been thinking about the lovely Mischa. She had her surgery on Tuesday, and I cannot wait to hear from her. I really hope she's doing well in hospital, and isn't in too much pain right now. Also hope that she's using that pain-relief button whenever she feels she needs it... I know I will be pressing mine whenever I need to!

I hope she's not bored in hospital either. I think her hospital didn't have wifi like mine will... though I dunno how I'm going to access it considering I don't have a laptop or iPod or anything, but maybe someone will be willing to let me have a lend of theirs. Or maybe I'll just do what I always do when I'm in hospital and sleep. Or watch TV. I'll have Foxtel so at least I can watch something other than crappy daytime TV.

I'm kind of annoyed that I have to get through Winter before I have my operation. It means I have to get new clothes. I tried on my jeans from last years... I can do them up, but I have the worst camel-toe, and they're just not flattering. So will even need to buy new jeans. My daggy jumpers fit, but they're just "around the house," items, so I really need to find some new clothes... which is always a PITA for a fat girl.

I've always wanted a trenchcoat but have never gotten one because they're so expensive, and we live in Qld... but I might just cave this year and get one... then flog it off on eBay when I'm done with it. At least I'll look nice in my last Winter as a fatty. Or at least as nice as I can look, being rugged up in layers of clothes which no doubt add to my bulk. *sigh*

I can't be bothered writing anymore - as I said, I'm annoyed. I want to know if I got the loan or not. I rang them up and they were apparently waiting on info about income, so at least they're doing something... I just wish they did it quicker! Hopefully we'll know by tomorrow. If not, I'll be PISSED OFF.

Loan, are you coming?

For God's sake ME Bank! Just tell me if I got the freaking loan or not already!

They have until Friday to tell me... but in all honesty, I'm sick of waiting. It's such a stressful thing, worrying about whether or not you're approved. Especially for something as major as this surgery.

Stress Stress Stress.

JUST TELL ME ALREADY!

Paranoia, Dream-Slutting and Having my Head up my own Rear-End...

Before I post - I haven't taken my medication, so I'm full of anxiety and paranoia today. Why didn't I take my medication? I dunno. I keep forgetting it these days because I no longer take it at night (keeps me awake) when I take my pill, and so I often just forget about it altogether.

So, basically, chances are I'm going to be ranting and sooking about something that won't even bother me after I take my medication, and isn't even likely anyway... but blah... right now it's bothering me so I need to type it out...

This morning, we went to the shops and as we were getting out the car, the lady opposite us was this tall skinny thing all done up with her skinny-jeans and her nice hair and everything... and I had a messy ponytail (and I'm not one of those people who make messy ponytails look hot either - I just look like a bum who needs to brush her hair... lol), a dress that DD had flicked a bit of paint onto and I had tried to give it a quick wipe-off (so there was still a light stain on my boob), and no make-up... I just looked pretty feral tbh. It's only the local shops, and we live in an area full of bogans, so I expected to just blend in.

Instead, it must have been shopping day for hot girls. They were freaking everywhere - with their perky boobs and their sexy legs and their flat stomachs. There was me... all fat and gross. Immediately, I was unimpressed. DP was perving on the girl across from our car - he was doing it subtly, but when I fail to take my medication, if I see an attractive girl I'll keep my eye on him to see if he's checking her out... it's like I go out of my way to bother myself about nothing.

I mean, so what? She WAS good-looking after all... and ON my medication, I don't really care if he has a look, I just laugh at him to myself...

I comforted myself with, "Don't worry Stacey, in a year you'll be smaller and sexier and guys will be checking you out... DP will be checking you out..." then my anxiety-ridden mind decided to be a bitch and taunt me by suggesting: What if he doesn't?

What if I lose weight, and get more attractive and healthier and DP doesn't notice? I mean, I'm sure he'll notice... but what if he doesn't care? What if he doesn't perve on me? What if he's still looking at all these hot girls and I'm still feeling like the hideous fat girl who nobody wants to look at, even though I'm not? Again, this is all no-medication talk, because ON my medication, I'm able to think more rationally about all of this...

For example: Who cares? He obviously likes me enough to be with me. He cuddles and kisses me. He gets all touchy-feely if I'm wandering around naked (even though it's far from a pretty sight). He tells me he loves me and enjoys my company... blah blah. Those hot girls could be a-holes. They could be idiots. They could not even be interested in him. Who really cares if he perves on me when I lose weight or not? I mean, he obviously manages to find me attractive enough right now, as a fat person, so he'll manage to feel the same when I'm smaller too I'm sure.

BUT... when you're not on your meds, that rationale is pushed aside and crazy takes over.

So crazy then suggests: What if he DOES perve on you all the time?

Then I start thinking about all this other stuff he DOESN'T do now... and wonder how I'll feel if it does happen after I start losing weight.

I mean, will I be angry with him if he starts holding my hand when we go out. I think I would be. We don't do it now - we don't do physical intimacy when out in public. Neither of us are PDA fans, but I'd be okay with hand-holding... he says he's just not into it. Then paranoid me wonders: Is it just because if he does, everyone will know he's with me? Everyone will see he's with that fat girl? Is THAT why he doesn't do it? And if I lose weight, will he do it then? Will I no longer be a shameful secret?

Again, he's not done anything to make me think I'm an embarrassment, but not taking my meds makes me crazy and makes me think all these things and ignore proper reasoning.

Or what if I get full of myself? I already have begun to joke with DP - I'll say stuff like, "You can get away with it now, but just you wait... when I lose some weight, everyone will love me because I'll be so hot and if you do that (whatever "that" may be), I'll just leave you for one of my many admirers...lol."

It's all just a joke... but what if I turn into a bitch? What if I go "haha - I'm skinny now - screw you all - I'm so awesome and hot and you all suck! I'm going to flounce away and associate only will fellow hot people!" I'm sure that won't be me, but I worry anyway. Partly, I worry about this today because I was all affair-girl in my dream last night. In it, I cheated on DP... because I'd lost weight and people found me hot. One guy said some nice things to me, so I did him in a bathroom. Yep - I know, what a slut. A dream slut though, at least... lol. It wasn't very good though, if that makes it better, and dream-me felt guilty (and I woke up feeling as if I had actually betrayed DP by being a skank in my dream).

I think I just need to go have my bloody medication so I can stop being paranoid about stupid shit like this. I have no reason to think he's going to go, "Nope, you're still hideous!" when I lose weight, or to think I'll turn into a huge bitch afterwards either... so I really just need to focus on taking my freaking meds.

I'm still waiting to find out the results of my loan application - the latest I should know is Friday, so I'm hanging out waiting! I really want to know...

More Whinging...

What if I lose a lot of weight... and I look horrible? I want to be healthy, of course, but I don't want to look hideous as a thinner person.

I think I'm just scared of being so different is size.

Scared to be Skinny (and liposuction, hiatus hernias and loan applications)

I'm scared.

However, I'm not scared about the things you may imagine. I'm not afraid of the needles I'll have to deal with, the pain I'll no doubt suffer afterwards (though I'm not looking foward to it either), or the fact that the majority of my stomach will be removed permanently and then tossed away as if it lacks importance. I'm not even afraid of the small possibility that my operation will end in death. That, to me, is an unlikely possibility and so not one worth fearing... the same as I don't constantly fear dying in a car crash whenever I am in a car. It's such a small possibility that it's not worth entertaining. Not for me anyway... not at this point in time.

No, what I am afraid of is losing weight.

It sounds so silly. I mean, why am I having this operation if not to lose weight? Of course I WANT to lose weight - but it's still frightening to me.

I've been looking at before and afters, reading blogs, watching v-logs, etc etc all about the sleeve... and the only thing that really frightens me at this point in time is the fact that I will be losing weight. A significant amount of weight. Weight that will be lost permanently.

I want to be thinner and healthier - but it is something that is so foreign to me that I am afraid of it.

I've never been thin... certainly not as an adult anyway. Despite the fact that my weight has caused me troubles, it's something I am used to and with that comes a small comfort. I know how to dress myself, for example. I know my body shape, and even as it grows and alters slightly, I still know that I have to find clothes that cater to a large bust, a large bum and large thighs. If you ask me to describe my body, I will most definitely mention those 3 things, because it's how I've always been.

I also know that I am relatively "safe," when it comes to social situations. Rare is it when I have to turn someone down who is paying me more attention than I appreciate. I know that getting attention, at the moment, is simply a matter of displaying my breasts proudly... if I want attention, I have them out and on display for all to enjoy. (lol). If I do not want attention, I cover them up a lot more. It's an on/off switch for me - boobs out = attention, boobs in = ivisibility.

If I lose weight though, will I become more of a target for unsolicited attention? Will I have men become more interested in me? I have no doubt that these are quite strong possibilities - most people will find that as their excess weight disappears, they seem to become more appealing to the opposite sex. In theory, this sounds awesome - having men want me rather than repelling them sounds pretty great. But in reality, I fear it'll be different, as it's something I've never had to deal with before. Will I cope?

This body of mine has long been bigger-than-average, and that is going to change... will that change how I define myself? Will I become a completely different person as a result? I am afraid of the freedoms that will open up to me... not because I do not want them, but because they are unfamiliar and therefore worth fearing.

I am also afraid of losing parts of my body that I am not particularly unhappy with. Like my breasts. I know they are likely to shrink, but I am afraid of losing them altogether. I know that if this is to occur, I'll no doubt look into surgery to replace what was once there... but at the same time, I do not want that. I have enjoyed because a girl with "great tits," and am not sure I want to change that to being a girl with, "fake tits."

I also enjoy the shape of my body - a more hourglass shape, though right now it is an oversized hourglass... more like a several-hour glass... lol. Will that disappear? Will I go from being hourglass in shape, to some other body shape that I am not used to and have no idea how to deal with? I long for body shapes that I do not have all the time, but I also KNOW how to work with my shape and am afraid of it changing into something else completely.

I will survive, regardless, and I will learn to appreciate whatever changes come to my body... but I am fearful all the same. This body, while full of faults and issues, has been my own. I am used to it, and have found comfort in my various flaws... I can hide behind my weight and use it as a shield.

Perhaps when I lose weight, I will no longer want a shield? Perhaps I will not need to protect myself so much anymore, because I will not face the same ridicule I have been subjected to as an obese woman and teenager. Perhaps I will be happy to no longer hide, and feel free to express myself however I wish, without worrying how others may view me so much.

I guess time will tell.

And time will tell... as I have put in my loan application and hope against hope that I am approved so that I can have my surgery ASAP. All going well, I'll be looking at having surgery somewhere between September and December - I'll be booking my appointment to arrange my surgery soon after I have recieved my money/approval of my loan.

In other news, my partner's sisters know something is going on and think that I am planning to have liposuction. lol. I have told one of them that I have no such plans, that it doesn't rid you of much weight anyhow (I think they get rid of about 5kg... lipo, in my opinion, is for those who a tiny bit flabby, but otherwise quite thin), that I do not have access to that kind of money even if I did want lipo.

They have become suspicious because of my facebook... one decided it a good idea to go through ALL of my previous status updates... and I have mentioned this in there (the sleeve), though not exactly in an obvious way. One message read something like, "I'll do whatever I damn well please with my own body - if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it," blah blah. About 6 messages later, there was, "I can't wait to be skinny (or skinnier at least)." She obviously figured both of these two were linked (they were) and assumed it was about liposuction (it wasn't).

I've told her that it's just about duromine - a weight loss prescription medication that my doctor  wanted to put me on, but something that others have been quite negative about. I figure that's a reasonable explanation, and my doctor, in the past, HAS put me on duromine... so I have a half-taken packet laying around on my bench as evidence if it's really required.

I was annoyed though that they were discussing me amongst themselves... no doubt laughing at their brother's choice of fat girlfriend as they did so (one, in particular, doesn't like me much, and I know that my weight would be a very easy target for her).

It does make me realise though, that I'm going to have to come up with some explanation as to why I'm eating so little, why I ended up in surgery (in case they find out), why I'm losing weight, etc. I have read that one sleeve-giving doctor suggested saying it was a hiatus hernia removal... as that would cover the scarring (not that anyone will see mine), the diet afterwards, and the diet would cover the weight-loss. I think I may go with this... I don't want to make out that I have come across "the magic answer," to weight-loss (without surgery) because that would be a lie and I wouldn't feel right telling it and perhaps giving others false hope.

I think I may google hiatus hernias, so I can at least be prepared to answer any questions thrown at me... not that I'd be well-read about them if I really did have one, but I'd at least have a doctor telling me enough about it so I know why it's a problem, etc.

Random Rambling... and The Biggest Loser

I just had a look at the previous entries... and jeez, I sound like the biggest whinger. I sound like all I am is depressed, never happy... and make a LOT of excuses as to why I'm fat. I guess they are excuses - but a lot of the time, when you're struggling, they seem like perfectly valid explanations rather than simply excuses. I think the lines between excuse and reasonable explanation are blurry though...

I'm not always down though. Sometimes, I think I get a little full of myself. See, I'm fat, and I know that... and that gets me down a lot... but I also tend to dress fairly well for a bigger girl (not when I'm bumming around at home, but when I go out I often do), and I am really good at sucking my stomach in, so I look like I have a nicer figure than I actually do as well. I also, apparently, look quite young (with make-up at least), because people are always assuming I'm younger than I am. I even got asked for ID recently - I was like, "I'm 7 years away from needing ID, but how awesome is it that she doesn't even think I'm over 18 yet?!". lol.

I guess one thing I notice about me, is that even though I'm fat, I try to look decent most of the time. I'm glad that I haven't "given up," like I see so many others do. I often see people wandering around wearing clothing that just makes them look worse than they probably are... and it kind of makes me sad. That's superficial, right? I dunno, but I always want to run over to them and give them fashion advice. It's not like I'm an expert or anything, but I can tell when someone would better without the bike-pants.

The thing is, plus-sized clothing costs A LOT. I understand that it usually requires more fabric... but while you can grab a cardi for $15 at a cheap regular-size shop, you're looking at about $40 for a cheaper one in a plus-size. It's SO costly to be fat... and try to look half-decent.

I love City Chic for example... but they cost so damn much. Why would I want to pay that much for clothes that I HOPE I no longer need to fit into? Surely most women who fit in their sizes wish they were smaller, HOPE they were smaller, and often try to become smaller... so why so damn expensive? At least the resale value is quite good... so you can at least make a bit of your money back on eBay when you're done with them.

I guess I can see why people don't always dress to suit their bodies - because they simply cannot afford to!

Anyway, that's enough ranting about clothes.

I was watching The Biggest Loser finale last night (after not watching the actual series...lol), and I sat there with DP commenting on how GREAT people looked. Then I felt like shit. I mean, there were all these HOT people... who used to be fat... and I kept sitting there thinking about how disappointed DP must be that he's stuck with the "before," rather than an "after."

From THIS



And THIS...

TO THIS:



Seriously? How effing awesome to Leigh and Lara look now! That's one hot couple!



Of course, in these moments, I fail to remember that soon I'll become an "after," instead, and that for once, I'll REMAIN an "after," thanks to my sleeve...

I've just got to keep looking forward to my sleeve, and looking forward to having something there to help me both lose weight and then keep it off. BRING ON SEPTEMBER ALREADY!