Another uneventful entry...

So my sleeve is about 17.5 months old now, and life is pretty much normal. Yes, I don't eat like I did pre-op and I never will, but it's been long enough since my op for life as a sleever to become something that is just normal, not strange. Well, I guess occasionally I'll look at my pitiful portions and think, "I can't believe this is all I can eat!" but mostly, it's just something I'm used to.

Perhaps the hardest thing now is eating at work. I'm working at the day spa several days a week, and get a 1/2 hour lunch break each shift. 1/2 hour is nice for a break, but not so much for lunch. I'm finding that instead of eating during my lunch break, I eat a bite here and there whenever I can. It works out well for me, but it can sometimes be difficult... it means I'm not really eating much at all. If I am only give officially 1/2 hour over a course of 8 hours to eat, that's really very little food I'm consuming. So if I have a spare 10 mins, I'll try to get something in, because I know I won't eat much otherwise... and given that some of it is quite physical (massaging a man built like a gorilla for an hour is hard enough... some days I have 4 of them in a row, and damn it's tough!), I really feel that I've GOT to make sure I'm eating.

Speaking of eating, I decided to do a before/after shot of food, mostly so I could see how much I was eating per meal these days. I didn't eat out of the measuring cup in the pic. lol.

I dished myself up a bit less than a cup of spaghetti (full of fresh tomatoes, carrots, zucchini and onion, herbs, mince and wholegrain penne, with a little cheese on top, so not TOO bad health-wise!), and when I was done there was about 1/3 of a cup left, so I ate a little less than 2/3 of a cup. 

I've also been thinking more and more about plastic surgery. Some fellow sleevers have mentioned it being "reconstructive," and while that's somewhat true, my skin overhang isn't nearly as bad as some end up with, so I'm not sure anyone would class it as reconstructive. Who knows. Regardless, it looks like I'll end up about $5000 out of pocket for each op. There are 4 things I'm considering - tummy tuck, breast lift, thigh lift (upper thigh only) and arm lift. I'm honestly not sure I'll want to do them all though, so trying to figure out what's most important. Right now, I'm thinking maybe arms and thighs. My stomach is destroyed anyway, it will never see the light of day regardless, so is there really a point to doing that? I suppose after I have more kids my mind might change, but right now, I'm thinking that maybe it can just be left alone. 

My arms are nice and gross, I don't like them. Same with my upper thighs. So I think they're probably most likely to get done. 

My boobs... well, I'd like them to be fuller (not so empty) but they still look nice in a bra, and it's not like I've gone down heaps of cup sizes so they're really really empty. In fact, I've gone from a 20E to a 12G (was fitted yesterday), so technically not shrunk much at all in that area. 

Strangely enough, watching Mad Men has helped me stop stressing about my belly. Christina Hendricks is stunning. Her curves are amazing. Yet, I notice, in her little wiggle dresses when she's side-on, she has a small belly... like I do. If I think she's stunning... if other people find her stunning...then her little belly can't be too horrible can it? 

Well, I've decided if she can do it, so can I. So I have. Apart from my new Collectif sarong dress in the previous entry, I've just scored myself a Hell Bunny Desperado Pencil Dress, that is, pretty much, skin-tight. I have a little belly, but I've decided that so what? I also have curves that I didn't have pre-op (or I did, they were just less extreme)... so I'm going to dress how I want, and since I love wiggle dresses, I'm going to wear them regardless of my little belly sag/fat. 

This is my lovely new dress, and something that I MUST brag about is the size. Now Hell Bunny is quite generous, and the dress does offer a little stretch... so don't think I'm delusional in thinking that I am now this size... but... this dress is a SMALL. It's all I could get my hands on, all other sizes were sold out... so looking at the measurements and knowing there was a stretch-panel in the back of the bust, I decided to risk it. It arrived today, and it fits. 

I am over the moon... partly because it's a small, and partly because I've decided to embrace my little belly and wear wiggle dresses regardless of it. 

That's about it from me I think...

Will I ever be happy? (and a few other random bits)

I've started to wonder if I'll ever be happy with myself.

When you're fat, you think that you'll love yourself more once you lose weight, and you do. Or at least, I do. I am happier with how I look and thus less timid, less shy. I've found that instead of focusing on weight as my major flaw though, I've started examining other parts of myself more closely, and I think if I had access to a fair bit of money, I'd be off to get more surgery.

I know that once I'm done with having children, my stomach is going to need some work done. It's nice and saggy now, and having carried a 10lbs 4oz baby for 42 weeks previously, it's not the prettiest sight. My breasts are also an area of concern for me... they look okay in a bra most of the time, but while they are still large, there's a fair bit of skin there, and they're not quite "full." I'd like to remedy that, but aren't yet sure whether I want just lift or a lift and (very small) implants. I suppose a consult with a surgeon will help clear that up. Then there's my thighs and arms. My inner thighs are not pretty and no about of additional exercise is going to improve them unfortunately. I think my arms may be slightly improved with increased exercise, but they're never going to be as small as I'd like without a trip to the plastic surgeon first.

So that's 4 operations, at least... but all of these are the result of weight lost (with my stomach being a combination of weight loss and pregnancy)... but even if my body had sprung back from weight loss without any of these things, there's other things that bother me that I've never really liked, but that have always seemed like fairly unimportant problems to me because my weight stood out much more. Now that that problem is not such a big one, these issues have increased and begun to bother me more.

My nose is perhaps my main concern. I don't like it. It's bulbous at the end and is just... big and ugly. I'd like it made cute and little. Ashlee Simpson's new nose is more to my taste. I often fantasize about getting my new nose... but what if I went through with it, and it turned out like some Michael Jackson monstrosity? And what am I teaching my daughter? On one hand, I can tell myself I'm teaching her that if you don't like yourself as you are... you're free to change yourself until you're happy. But really, what I really think I'd be teaching is, "You're never good enough until you're perfect... but you'll never be perfect because nobody is, and you'll find flaws even when nobody else does." So, hopefully, there'll be no nose-job in my future. I'll suck it up and deal with it, because my nose is my nose, and I want her to understand that she is fine the way she is.

The rest of me? I find that my thighs are uncomfortable in the Summer heat, so while work on them would be cosmetic it would also make life a bit nicer for me too... and so I am okay with that. My tummy, arms and boobs are all possibilities but I'm hoping I can at least deal with some of them without worrying too much. Regardless, I've got years left to decide, because I'm not working on anything until I've finished having children.

Another thing that I can't fix with surgery, is my waist-to-hip ratio. I've become fixated on my ratio, and want it ever-increasing. Right now my bust and hips are about equal and my waist is 10 inches smaller. I'd be thrilled if I could increase that gap though, and so am considering purchasing a lovely What Katie Did corset, in hopes of shrinking it by 4-5 inches more. Only when wearing the corset, of course, though maybe oneday I could move on to waist training and see how that goes, for slightly more permanent results. Apparently that's what Doris Mayday does, and I love her curves.

The gorgeous Doris Mayday modeling for: http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/

In other news, I got a gorgeous Collectif dress delivered from the UK recently. I was unsure as to whether or not it would fit properly, as I don't really like my tummy, but chose a sarong-style pencil-skirted dress in the hopes that the overlap might disguise my stomach a little.

I am absolutely in love with the dress. I'm in a size 12 with very little stretch, and for anyone considering a Collectif dress, I found that I could fit into their dress despite the size chart suggesting that I needed a 36inch bust to fit (mine is 40inches - or a 12FF). You couldn't fit any more into it, though I have heard their plain-coloured dresses usually have more stretch to them.

Admiring the shape the dress gave me (or rather, admiring the way the dress enhanced my own shape), I decided to compare to an old "fat" photo... and I must say, I am very very impressed by this before/after combination.

Dress on Right by Collectif: http://www.collectif.co.uk/

I'm still sitting at 71kg but am going to try and up my exercise soon and see if that can work me to under 70kg. I really need to be committed to it, and I know that right at this point in time I might not be... but I'm trying to get my head into it. I am exercising, a little, at the moment, after slacking off for a few months, but want to increase it to see improved results. I also ate way too much rubbish over Christmas, not in quantity just in quality. Too much junk food, not enough good, healthy foods, so back on the bandwagon it is! Luckily, I saw no regain as a result of my lousy eating, so I'm grateful for that.

Life is Beautiful and a pic of how much stomach is actually removed during the op!

Okay, so I promised to update about the 5 Day Pouch Test that I was planning to do... but the day after my blog post, I got on the scales and FREAKED. I was 74.something kg and I was TOTALLY not happy with that. It was clearly the result of eating too much chocolate and drinking my calories away with numerous sugary drinks, as I previously mentioned... so I knew I had to do something RIGHT AWAY.

I didn't have the cash or time to go out and buy a whole lot of protein-heavy items to do the pouch test, so I just replaced all sugary drinks with water, ate more lean protein, had fruit and veg instead of other snacks, and lowered my carb intake altogether. Well, it worked well. I was back at 71kg after a few days.

Right now I have no idea what I am, I haven't weighed for a while, but my guess is pretty much the same as it was when last I weighed.

In other news... I have a job! I've been applying for every damn beauty job I could realistically take, and in one day, while sitting around waiting for a wax and a tan (for a fellow student to perform on me, as practice, at her new job), I logged onto the Seek App and applied for some others. While I was waiting I got a phonecall for a job interview, and then later an eMail requested a job interview the next day.

I never made it to the 2nd interview, because I got the first job I interviewed for. I was really happy, because now I'm working at a day spa, rather than just a salon. It sounds more prestigious I suppose, but it's mostly that the focus is different. Spas have to offer hydrotherapy treatments to be labelled as such, which mine does, but they tend to offer more pampering treatments, than results-driven salons, and that's what I prefer. I had my first 2 clients on Saturday, doing two 60min full body Swedish massages, and I have another client booked in tomorrow for a few different treatments as well. I'm kind of spending a lot of time on reception too, just getting a feel for the place (I was on reception all day today), but I'm loving it already!

I also passed my diploma, and am officially qualified as a beauty therapist now. I've also done some make-up work for a girl in a band... I can't post photos here, because she hasn't released me to do so... but by god do I wish I could! It was very exciting to be involved in a professional photo shoot with a photographer and a studio and such... with the photos now being made into band posters, that are already being sold, but will continue to be sold next year when the band supports Wolfmother!

We also had our graduation party on the weekend, and while I'm still not terribly confident on my own, I'm more confident than I used to be before the sleeve... and when that increased confidence is combined with alcohol... well, let's just say I was gangnam-dancing my backside off in front of EVERYONE and even allowing myself to be recorded doing it. lol. I had a great time, but I was also really impressed with some of the photos...

That last one reminded me of a pose I did in another photo last year, pre-sleeve... so I combined it to see the difference. And yes, I wore my wig for some of the night. I brought it along, and of course, as the night wore on, people told me to put it on... and eventually, others tried on the wig too... while completely drunk... so that made for quite an amusing activity. lol. It also meant some lovely photos of me in my wig-cap...

Previously, photos (and videos) taken of me doing stupid stuff would be something that brought great horror and dread. Now I don't even care that there's a video of me somewhere on Facebook dancing Gangnam Style with a wig on. People are likely to judge and laugh and mock, sure, but it seems to matter less when you don't really care what they think anymore. There will be times when I'm feeling a little bit down and therefore touchy and hurt by this kind of thing, but it's MUCH LESS frequent than it was pre-sleeve. I think the fact that I know that it's unlikely they're laughing at me because I'm fat makes things easier. I'm not skinny, I know that, and I never expect to be... but I still find great comfort in the fact that "fat" is probably not one of the first words that comes to mind when people think of ways to describe me.

Life has just improved dramatically since I've had the sleeve. I've gained a qualification, gotten a job, made a lot of great friends, gained a social life... and while of course it's not directly linked to the sleeve, weight loss has allowed me to do it all, which is the result of the sleeve. I wouldn't have done my course if I hadn't have lost weight - the idea of getting body wraps at over 100kg was too much for me, which is why I never did it sooner. Making friends sucked when you knew they were all gorgeous beauties and you'd just be "the fat friend." Plus, it's hard to want to go out and be social when you know random people would be watching, laughing at "that fat girl," doing whatever it is you're doing. Getting a job is harder too... partly because people are judgemental about size, but also because you're too busy being paranoid that they're going to judge you based on that, so you don't bother based on the fear of facing that. 

And... I know this totally doesn't fit into the post, but I had to share it. It's not MY STOMACH... it's the stomach of a sleever friend, that she gave permission for me to share here. Basically, it's the portion of her stomach that was removed. It's filled with air, which is why it's looks so solid, and not all soft and squishy, but it did WOW me to see just much stomach is removed. Every sleever will have a similar amount removed, even if not exactly the same.

Now it makes it obvious why I can eat so little, and why I used to be able to eat so much. That's a LOT of stomach they've removed!

Weight loss stand-still, Swimwear shopping and the 5 Day Pouch Test

I'm still sitting at the same weight, but I think I know why.

Well, one big fat reason would be that I've pretty much ceased exercise for now. I'm almost at the end of my course and so I've been doing lots of assignments and guide books, which is occupied a lot of my free time. I'm also preparing for practical assessment which begins this week. I'm confident I'll easily pass Spa Treatments (body wraps, etc), Diathermy (using electrically-charged needles to cauterize spider veins), Body Treatments (mostly electronic body treatments... like EMS/body faradic to tone muscles, body galvanic to fight cellulite, etc) and Microdermabrasion, but am a bit worried about Hot Stone Therapy Massage and Indian Head Massage because I've got to remember the routine off by heart, and my brain isn't one that likes to remember things. So been trying to get it to remember that.

Apart from pretty much abandoning exercise for now, I've realised I can drink soft drink and am being terrible and drinking it. I really need to stop, but find it very hard to, especially as it's getting hotter and everyone keeps offering it to me. So, that's another plan - to kick that by Christmas time. I don't care if I have the occasional soft drink, but I am drinking it too often. Still only maybe twice weekly, but that's more than I need it.

Obviously, the fact that I am so close to a healthy weight doesn't help either. My body is struggling, and wanting to cling to those last remaining kilos for dear life, so I know I'm going to absolutely work my butt off to get rid of them... and I guess that right now, I'm just not up to doing that. So long as I maintain though, and not regain, I should be okay.

Anyway, despite having lost 36kg on this journey, sometimes shopping is still... well... horrible. It's not the being fat that bothers me, it's the loose skin. The sagging, loose skin. It's particularly terrible on my inner thighs. Yes, my stomach is hideous and my arms aren't nice, but I'm okay with that. My arms don't bother me too much, and my stomach is something that was destroyed the moment I became a mother thanks to a big baby and lots of stretchmarks, so I gave up the hope for a decent stomach long ago. It's hot legs that I wanted, but unfortunately, the insides of them are just so incredibly saggy that they ruin my mood. Thus, shopping for swimwear was... well... somewhat torturous.

Add to that my boobs. They have shrunk in size (they're not and kind of "empty" now too), yet because they didn't lose as much as my back did, I'm a bigger cup size. Back before I lost weight, my bra size would have been a 20E. If you chopped off my breasts as they are right now, and put them back on my old body, I'd be a 20D... so I'd still have lost 2 cup sizes... but with a much smaller back size, they're now a 12FF. Which just... well, it's just not compatible with most swimwear.

We headed to the beach a few weeks ago though, and I knew I had to find something the day before. I was so fortunate to find that Bras n Things had a sale on. I wasn't hoping to find anything in a 12FF, but I wanted something that was decent enough to squish myself into. I can't do department store swimwear... and I was thinking I'd have to end up buying internationally online from Bravissimo.

Instead, I scored some swimwear which I could sort of squish my boobs into - a 12E bikini top and a little skirted bottom to cover my saggy thighs! YAY!

Last year I actually got some swimwear that I'm sure I posted about too. This is pretty much the same deal, in reverse, and instead of a tankini it's simply a bikini that I'll wear with a tight black singlet to cover my stomach. I thought it might be fun to compare last year to this year...

Last year's swimwear....

This year's swimwear.

See? Pretty much the same (spots in reverse). I wanted a red and white style instead, but they didn't have a top I could squish into in stock, and I needed it immediately, so just went with black and white instead. I don't think I actually look that much smaller than last year, but I suppose that's maybe 10-15kg lighter between the two.

And just because I found it while adding those photos... I found another picture of swimwear I was going to originally get... and I think this one shows a greater difference between my previous size and my current one...

I also have another pic I want to share, because... well, because I love my new purchase. lol. I purchased a wig, mostly to see how I looked with lighter hair. I want to go light brown, but was unsure how it would look, and I know it's going to cost me a lot of money to get my hair from where it is now to a light brown... and I figured I'd just see how I actually looked with that colour first. Ordered a wig online, made from kanekalon which is apparently a good synthetic fibre because it doesn't give off that Barbie shine that other synthetic wigs do. It was super cheap, but I am just in love with it. I haven't worn it anywhere, and I look like an utter bimbo in it, but oneday I'll work up the nerve to go out in it.

So... I think once my hair gets longer again, I'm going light brown.

In other news, since hitting the 12 month post-op mark, I've been able to eat much more. Not in a sitting so much as... snacking. I can snack all day long... just snack in tiny little bits... I try to avoid it, but sometimes, I just do it. Old habits die hard, I suppose. The restriction is just less these days. It's still there - I still couldn't eat what a normal person could, not a chance... but I can eat way more than I could in the first few months.

A fellow sleever shared this with me - a 5 day pouch test. Apparently it can show you that you still have restriction. You basically do a 5-day restrictive eating thing, and by the end of it, your restriction somewhat reappears. A sleever friend has done it, and says it works... and it's only 5 days. After re-feeding myself for 6 weeks post-op, I think 5 days will be a simple slog, so I'm going to give it a go. The aim is to start next Monday... so Monday and Tuesday I can be on liquids, at home, to make life easier.

The 5 Day Pouch Test can be found here, for anyone interested: http://www.5daypouchtest.com/plan/theplan.html

I'll update during/after I've done it, to let you all know my experiences with it. If it does nothing, well, it's no real loss, and as most of it is pretty much protein, it may help kickstart a little more weightloss. Who knows?

Foods I can no longer eat

I run a small sleever group on FB, and one of the questions that potential sleevers ask is what foods they'll be permanently giving up. I decided that I'd update, with a list of things I can't eat, how they make me feel, etc.

 Before I begin, PLEASE NOTE that it does vary from individual to individual. I'm simply sharing my own experiences with foods over a year after the operation. Things may change again for me, and they may be different for you... this is simply my experience.

KFC chicken - this makes me so ill. It's probably all the oil and fats involved, but every single time I attempt it (not often, but I have tried it a few times post-op, when others are eating it), I either spew, or really really want to spew. It's a no-go takeaway for me as a result.

Burgers - I can eat these, sort of, but I have to make sure they're quite a dry patty, not one full of grease and fats. Eating the meat portion on its own, or with a salad, would be great... but the actual bun-over-meat thing is something I can't manage. I don't find that bread and meat go together well for me, they make my stomach churn, but I've found that rolls in general are the issue.

Bread Rolls - Much too big for me, but even when I've attempted only a small portion, I find I feel a bit sickly. I have successfully eaten bread rolls (or portions of) before, but there's been more bad experiences with rolls than good.

Cream Sauces - I can have cream sauces, but I really have to limit the amount. Very creamy foods make me stomach churn and make me feel quite ill. I have still had, for example, caesar dressing or a little bit of cream sauce on something, but I really have to only have a very small amount or feel ill.

Hot Chips - Look, I can eat these just fine, but you fill up on about 3 of them. They're junky and not offering you any nutrition, so they're best avoided. Occasionally I'll steal a chip from someone else, but they're something I will never have much of again.

Pastry - I can maybe have a tiny nibble of pastry, but I can't handle much. If I'm faced with a pastry food, I try to eat the middle out of it (for example, the inside of a pie, or the inside of a quiche). Mostly, I just never order these foods (but sometimes, other people serve you up something with pastry... and I'd feel rude just saying "no," to it outright, so I work around the pastry).

McDonalds - I could have nuggets easily enough, but I'm not really a nuggets fan. Previously if the family had decided upon McDonalds for lunch, I would get a Grand Angus burger, take off the top of the bun, have no sauces on it, and eat about 1/2 of it that way. Now they've changed the patty and it's quite soft and oily, and there's no way I can manage it. I try to avoid McDonalds anyway, but at times when you're out and your choices are limited, I was glad I had a burger (the Angus patties used to be quite dry, rather than oily, and were a good hit of protein).

Soft Drink - I CAN have soft drink, but it's only a very recent development. I spent the first year after my surgery not having soft drink as the bloating it causes felt really uncomfortable. Now I can have it if I'm out, but I do drink it quite slowly, and it usually goes quite flat before I'm done with my glass.

Kangaroo Steaks - I can do kangaroo MINCE just fine, but the steaks sit very heavily in my belly and make me feel uncomfortable. They're so good for you, so lean and high in protein, so I'm quite disappointed in this one, but I can manage beef steaks so I just use those instead. 

Now, as you can see, it's mostly unhealthy foods that I can't eat. Being told that I could never ever eat these foods again would have made me freak out pre-op. The thing is though, it's very easy to avoid unhealthy foods if they also make you sick each time you eat them.

I try to eat healthily anyway, so the loss of the above is not a big deal, though there are times when I'd like a nice salad roll or even just a hot pie while I'm spending the day at the markets or something... and it can be quite annoying when someone makes you a meal and you find that if you eat it, you're likely to throw up or feel quite sick in the tummy... but again, it's a sacrifice you have to make if you want to lose. I expect that if I had lost my weight without the sleeve, it'd be really important to avoid all of these foods anyway to maintain my loss... and the sleeve actually does make avoiding them a lot easier.

So what can I eat? Most things. The above is really only a very small list of foods I have to avoid. I do avoid other foods too, because they offer me little in the way of protein, but I can still eat them if I want without any discomfort.

I spend a few days a week out of the house for breakfast and lunch... so this is what I'll usually eat on those days (obviously can differ from day-to-day).

I eat my breakfast on the way, so I take a squeezy yoghurt pouch. I prefer the berry one, but this is about 10g of protein.

Now, I waste stomach space on no protein for morning tea... but it's mango, how can I not? Those things win you over with their smell alone. I try to get smaller mangoes so I can eat the entire thing and not waste any, but otherwise it's really easy to find people to help you finish it. lol.

For lunch, I love these Sirena tuna and rice combos. You can find them in Woolies near the tuna in boxes. I can usually manage the entire serve or close to it, so long as I take a full half hour to get through it. That's about 18g protein.

Afternoon tea means it's time for my beloved roasted broadbeans! About 6.5g protein in a 25g packet.

Dinner will often be a piece of steak, or piece of fish, and a maybe a tablespoon of veges or salad for me. Often, that'll give me about 30g protein in the 100g meat I eat. This takes me quite a while to finish... it's usually cool by the time I'm done.

If I'm still feeling hungry later, I will try and make sure it's protein-based. Nuts are good, but I'm not a massive fan. Lately I've been having 1 piece of Helgas quino and flaxseed bread toasted, with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter on it. That's a decent amount of peanut butter, but 1 tbsp of the Sanitarium one we're currently using is over 6g of protein. Add to about the 3g protein in the slice of bread, it's a decent protein hit for a snack.

I also take a range of vitamins... hair skin nails, multivitamin, Iron, Vit C and Magnesium. I mostly just take the multi, but the others are there if I feel I need them. The vitamin C is only taken to help absorb the iron. Generally I'll only add the extra in if I've been unwell, or I take the magnesium if my sleep is getting lousy (I occasionally suffer from restless legs which prevents sleep. Magnesium helps with this).

I have some benefibre on hand, but I've found that I've not really required it as I haven't suffered from constipation, but a lot of people do (especially in the early days). I've just been lucky.

Okay, so this entry has nothing at all to do with the sleeve or anything relevant to the sleeve, but I've had a few comments and PMs about this... so here it is. A very very basic make-up tutorial. Right now, it's eyes.

Click to enlarge

Above is a photo of 3 lovely friends who I've done make-up for. For these applications, however, I've used the same technique for each. I find it to be the most effective and simple way to suit most eye shapes and sizes.

For this, you will need 3 shades of eyeshadow. One should be a little lighter than your natural skin colour, and perhaps with a little shimmer (it can be matte if you like, it really doesn't matter, I just tend to prefer a slight shimmer for this shade).

The second can be any colour you like. If you want a natural application though, try to get with a shade that is somewhat close to your skin colour... yet a little different. It might be a gold, a bronze, a peachy colour, a taupe. If you're a little more adventurous try a lilac, an olive green, a pinky bronze, etc. If you're really adventurous, go with a bright blue, a yellow, a very obvious, thick gold, etc. It's up to you.

The third colour needs to be darker than the first two. If you're going natural, then I find it tends to work well as some sort of brown shade. If you're very dark-skinned, then a dark plum, a navy, a charcoal, etc may work well. If you're anything lighter than that though, a brown or grey works well for a more natural look (though, I personally find grey shadows to be a bit dated... a lot of elderly women tend to deal with grey shadows). If you're wanting something more outgoing, you might want a darker version of your second shadow. For example, if you chose an olive green, you may want to go with a dark brown, or maybe an even darker olive. If you went purple, you may want to find a violet. Just something darker than the other 2 colours. You can even go completely against "matching" colours as I did with the aqua-coloured lids above with a contrasting black shadow. Please remember that this will not create natural results.

For my own lids, I generally use a pearly off-white shade for the first shadow, a very pale pinky-bronzy for my second and then a medium brown for my third (for my everyday look).

Speaking of which, figured I'd add a "before make-up, after make-up) shot I took before I dyed my hair brown again...

Me, before and after make-up using this eye technique. 

As for materials, the make-up in the photo above (the photo of me, not the others) was done as a part of a make-up tutorial I tried to do a while ago, which included a video... but things went crazy and the video had some sort of error, thus the image and video were never used. Anyway, for the tutorial I had intended to use the footage for, I was using only CHEAP PRODUCTS and only using the brushes that came with the eye shadows... cheap eye shadow sponges on one end, a little cheap brush on the other.

If you've got money to spend or already have brushes at home though. While I can't take photos for it right now (it's drying and looks shocking while wet), I found a picture online to help explain the types of brushes I'd use for this...

Click to enlarge

See the light brown brushes? They're what I'd use for my eyes. I'd probably use the second biggest (the middle light brown brush) for both colour 1 and colour 2, with the smallest light brown brush (the furthest right) for my third colour.

If you're having trouble blending, or using bright colours, I'd definitely recommend a blending brush. Englarge the image for a good look, it's the third from the left.

Ignore the rest of the brushes, if people are happy with this basic eye tutorial I'll give further info on the rest of the face.

Anyway, as I said, you absolutely use the little sponges that come with shadows. Just make sure you wash them with soap and allow them to air-dry between uses, or at minimum, once a week (if only you are using them). If you're sick, or have any eye issues, definitely wash them daily, or buy a bag of disposable ones and chuck out after each use.

So... how to apply? Well, I made a little image for you...

This is not actual shadow; it has been digitally added.

Hopefully, you can see the 3 colours used.

NOW - for the BASIC EYE TUTORIAL

ONE I've got a light creamy colour under the brow bone and in the inner corner of the eye. Where I've put it on this photo, is where I'd stick it on the eye. Use your brush, dab in the powder, and dab/lightly stroke these areas.

Keep in mind you don't want a huge line of colour. This is to highlight the brow bone and inner corner of the eye, not to do anything more.

TWO Next, apply your second colour over the rest of your eye. Use a patting/dabbing motion to apply, then sweep to build up colour and blend. If you make a mistake, use a dry cotton bud to try and remedy your mistakes. If that doesn't work, a tiny bit of water on the bud will help. It's better to start off small and build up; it's easier to add more colour than it is to remove already applied colour.

NOTE: If the colour is a b right colour, it's better to avoid letting it reach the bottom of your eyebrow. Instead, extend the first colour right underneath the entire brow, not just the outer edge, and THEN use your second colour on the rest of the un-shadowed lid.

THREE If you've never gotten to know your eyes before, do it before even beginning this routine. Take a look in the mirror, and find the little indent between your eyeball (under your eyelid, don't actually go poking your eyeball) and your brow bone. THAT is where I want you to apply your third colour. For many, this will be where their lid naturally creases. Do not go over where the eyeball sits. Instead, follow that crease/indent and go ABOVE it. You should have a little line somewhere in the middle of your lid. TRY to make sure it's quite straight and follows the crease/indent well.

It should be bolder at the outside than on the inside. In fact, I recommend you don't make this line all the way across your eye, but rather fade it down as you get closer to the inside of your eye.

Then, use the outer edge of that line, and bring it back to your lash line in a sideways "U" or "V" shape (depending on your preference. I like a slightly more rounded end, but some people like a more pointed "wing."

I also like to take this colour slightly along the lower lash line, only just, and fade it before reaching the middle of the lower lash line. This is optional of course, I just find it adds something.

FOUR Blend like a mad woman! You don't want streaks of seperate colours, you want them to blend at least a little. The more natural the look, the more blended you want. What you're doing is creating shape by contouring the shape of your eye and highlighting the parts you want to bring forward.

If the look is dramatic, I still like to blend, as you can see in the first photo with the black/aqua combination. It's not sharp lines, there is still some blend.

Make sure both eyes look good both opened and closed. Some make-up artists think that closed is more important, but I believe it's better to make them look pretty open, as that's hopefully how you'll spend most of the while wearing it. Make sure they look even... if not, keep fiddling to they do.

FIVE Time to add the finishing touches!

BROWS
For me, filling in the brows is an essential job. You can find powders and pencils specific for this job, but otherwise, you can simply use an appropriate shadow colour.MAKE SURE THE SHADOW IS MATTE, NOT SHIMMERY.

What shade you choose really depends on your actual colouring. I like to choose a shade that (believe it or not) is actually a tiny bit lighter than my naturally BLACK eyebrows. Using black shadow is very dramatic and I think it looks too over-the-top for me.

For blondes, a light-brown shade is usually nice, though make sure it's not too red-tinged. Dark brunettes look good with a medium-to-dark brown. A dark brown works well for the darkest of brows, in my opinion. For those who are more red-headed (if your brows are red), a reddy-tinged light brown tends to work well. The tinge should only be slight, or else you'll look like a clown.

I use an angled brush for this. If you can't find an angled brush or can't afford one, then using a pencil might be a bit easier than using powder. Be careful not to draw thick lines on though, or it'll look over-the-top and very unnatural.

Filling in your brows completes the look, and also can perfect oddly-shaped eyebrows or bald patches.

Using a brush and a clear mascara on your brows can also work well if your brows tend to get messy!

MASCARA
I assume that most women know how to apply this. I like to lower my lids and tilt my head back so my eyes can still be open and I can see, but there's less change of them touching my eyelid and smudging.

For a natural look, if you've got fair-coloured lashes, you might find a dark brown give a good result. If you've got black lashes, or simply prefer that look, definitely avoid brown mascaras.

I apply by starting with the wand ABOVE my lashes, and wriggling the ward down to the tips of my lashes, then putting the wand under my lashes, and swiping up to the tips. This ensures a good coating, especially for those with lighter lashes (missed patches are easily seen on light-coloured lashes, not so much on dark).

I then dab my lashes with the wand very gently on my lower lashes. I don't swipe down them as I find I risk accidentally bumping the mascara wand onto my skin and having to fix that up, and that they look quite spidery. I have very long lower lashes though, and they're quite dark anyway.

If you have pale or sparse lower lashes, I'd recommend being very gentle and swiping downwards. If you do smudge your face, wait until it dries, then dab it off with a wet cotton-tip.

EYELINER
For a natural look, pick a dark brown pencil. Put your finger at the outer corner of your eye and pull it taut, sideways (like you'd do if you were, and yes, I am aware this is a bit un-PC but I can't think of any other way to put it... like you would if you pretending you were Asian). Then gently run the pencil from the outer corner, to the middle of your lashline. Once you get the middle, let you skin go (stop pulling it taut) and GENTLY pencil to the inner corner. I prefer the look to taper in, so that the inner corner has very little liner on it at all, while the outer corner is thicker.

For a more dramatic look, I'd do the same thing, but with a black pencil or gel/liquid liner. Gel/Liquid is trickier for an unsteady hand though so be careful.

If you want, you can also add a very light line ot the lower lashes. I like to them SMEAR it with my fingertip, so it's not too bold, and simply creates a slight shadow.

Alternatively, use an angled brush, dab it onto your eyeshadow palette in the third shade you applied, and run that to the middle of your lower lash, tapering in so it's thicker and more vibrant on the outer edge, and barely visible at the inner corner.

And, there you have it! Hopefully a look you're really happy with and that's easy to do every morning, as well as when you're going out.

I play around with my make-up looks of an evening before I shower to test out new techniques, and it might require a bit of playing around to perfect the look, but I really hope this tutorial is somewhat helpful!

Unexpected Changes Post-Sleeve

It's about time I updated. I wasn't really sure what to write, but last night, after having some god-awful pain triggered by (I assume) over-the-counter medication, I decided that I'd write about the way MY life changed after having the sleeve, that I wasn't really expecting.

Medication 
 A few years ago I had my gallbladder removed thanks to numerous gallstones clogging up my biliary tract and giving me horrible gallbladder attacks (some stones were golf-ball sized!). After a lot of stuffing around by idiotic hospital staff, it was finally removed and life attack-free was marvellous. Until... sometime early this year.

Around March/April I started having what felt exactly like gallbladder attacks. These tend to feel like a tightening around the ribs (where your bra band would sit), and it quickly intensifies into a horrible pain that radiates to your back and is just agonising. Then, all of a sudden, it ends. Nothing you do will end the pain (though going to the ER and being dosed with morphine did help during actual gallbladder attacks, lol), so you just have to sit through them. Luckily, the attacks earlier this year were nothing like the 24-hour attack I had before my gallbladder was actually removed, but I might get 2-3 1/2hour length attacks in an evening. It was pretty brutal and obviously prevented me from sleeping.

Eventually, I realised that what was preceding these attacks was pain medication. Occasionally I have pretty bad headaches and I dose myself up on drugs to sleep. Codeine-laden drugs. Ah. So I googled. Apparently, gallbladder removal can result in a sensitivity to codeine, bringing on these gallbladder-like attacks. Numerous people online were complaining of similar, so the answer was simple - no more codeine. Since stopping the codeine, I've been fine.

Now, this has nothing to do with the sleeve, right? It's just about the gallbladder op isn't it? Not exactly. I have no idea why, but I was always fine with codeine after my gallbladder was removed. It wasn't until I started losing weight after my sleeve that I had issues with codeine. Not even immediately after my sleeve. I had codeine several times post-sleeve with no issues, but since about March, it's been a no-go for me, resulting in attacks every time. At first I could take only ONE codeine tablet in 24 hours and be fine, but now I can take none at all.

As I said, I've been avoiding codeine for a while now and everything's been okay. Until yesterday, when I gave myself some Imodium/Gastro-Stop type of pharmacy-branded medication. I'd had gastro for a few days, but yesterday I travelled to a theme park with family and while I'd been fine, I wanted to be safe. After lunch, I had the feeling that something wasn't right, so popped 2 pills (as the packet suggested to do) in the hopes that if anything was going to go wrong down there, it'd hold right up and leave me alone for a few hours.

Instead, an hour or so later, wandering around with my family, I got a crippling attack, just the same as when I'd had codeine. I searched for the packet, and found no codeine listed as an ingredient (it would be odd for it to be in there, but I had to check). I had my attack, it eased, and I carried on my merry way. There was still a very mild sensation that an attack might be imminent however, so I tried to go easy on myself (though, of course, an attack doesn't care what you're doing and will come at you whether you're running on a treadmill or sleeping in bed, so me trying to take things slowly would have had no effect either way).

Fortunately, I made it out of the theme park with just one attack, but on the way home as we stopped for a toilet break and some drinks at a service station, I had another. I sat in the car for the first and brought my legs up to my chin (I find the compression it gives tends to ease pain slightly) and grunted and groaned in pain quietly (my daughter was asleep and I didn't want to wake her), and it eased. Scared it might not have fully dissipated, I decided to stay in that position a few minutes longer (my partner had gone inside to use the toilet and get refreshments, so it was just me and a sleeping child in the car). That's when the next wave hit, and it was horrible. Perhaps the worst one I've had. No, it didn't last the 24 hours one of my previous attacks had, but it was intense. My partner returned and started driving home, while I was still mid-attack. He was trying to ask my questions but honestly, I couldn't care less what he was saying. I was in agonising pain and if I had something sharp on me, I would have dug under my ribcage trying to remove whatever it was that was causing the pain.

Drama queen? Perhaps. It was pretty horrible though, and something I don't want to experience again anytime soon. Luckily, I've been perfectly fine today.

So 3 attacks from 2 pills containing stuff other than codeine. It might be a result of the sleeve, or a result of the weight loss caused by the sleeve in conjunction with my missing gallbladder, but whatever it was, it was horrible.

Medication was not really something I thought I'd have to worry about after my sleeve (other than during the healing time), so it's definitely something unexpected.

Taste-Changes
I know I talk about my tastes changing post-op, but it wasn't something I had expected before I had my sleeve. All the blogs and forums and such I read about the sleeve never mentioned changing tastes, or perhaps I just overlooked those posts. Regardless, I hadn't expected for it to change as it has.

From the first few days until now, things have gone back to normal a little. In the early days, chocolate was horrible. Now, not so much. Some things still taste less than impressive these days though, whereas before the sleeve, I couldn't get enough. Not really a fan of Quarter Pounders or anything like that, KFC makes me feel ill but the flavour is also not that amazing, and pizza (though I've never been a huge pizza-fan anyway) is not something I'm keen on. Creamy pastas are not just wasted calories but are just not all that nice in flavour, and while I used to love Burger Rings, I just couldn't care less about them these days.

Old flame: Double Quarter Pounder... no more.

All of this, of course, is fabulous because those things are pretty counter-productive to losing weight and getting healthier.

The other thing though, is that I find I have brand-new food loves... like noodles. I don't know why, but sometimes, I'll drive 1/2 hr just to go get myself some delicious Pad Thai or similar. Yes, I eat the smallest amount and am then eating Pad Thai for the next few meals, but I just adore it and numerous other noodle dishes. Fish is another new-love. I haven't disliked fish previously, but I really love it now. Same with steak. Sometimes, I just feel like a steak. I never felt like that pre-op.

I also have a thing for lollies, which is obviously not a good thing... but this is new, as pre-op, I loved chocolate and chips and fatty foods... but never lollies. Some days I sit around for hours just thinking about all the delicious lollies I'm trying to avoid driving to go buy and eat.

I had expected to only be able to eat tiny amounts of certain foods, and to try and eat better and focus on protein, but I didn't expect that my food preferences would completely change.

Clothing
I didn't expect to not fit into clothes. I thought to myself, "once I lose weight, I will be able to walk into any shop and find something to fit!" Many sleevers CAN do this, and feel great about it, and I think that may be something that leaves me feeling a bit ripped off.

Look, I can go into more shops than I could and fit into more things than I could pre-sleeve, but my bust hasn't decreased as much as my back has, and so instead of a 20E, I'm a 12FF. Only 2 cup sizes different, but plus-size clothes expect that you have a decent-sized bust. Standard sizes seem to expect you're no bigger than a large C, at most.

I can find clothes to fit, but usually I'm searching for stretch, or buttons I can undo. Either that, or buying big and using belts to cinch in the waist. It's not as difficult and not as costly as shopping as a plus-size woman, but it's certainly not a difficulty I expected to have to deal with now. I had gone into this weight loss gig thinking I would fit into most things. Now, I find most things will not fit.

Hopefully, with coming fashion trends, the high necklines will disappear and I'll be able to fit into more things (lower necklines are much more generous to a bigger bust). Unfortunately, that's not going to solve the problem of swimwear, which I'm now going to have to spend a fortune on to find a good fit.

I know how this would sound to those who haven't had their op yet too... "What a whingy bitch, doesn't she realise how lucky she is?!" which brings me to my next unexpected point...

Satisfaction
You know how you see skinny girls whinging about their "fat belly" or something else, and you can't even see what they're going on about, roll your eyes and think, "Doesn't that bitch realise how lucky she is? I would KILL to be her size!" Yeah, well, that can become you post-sleeve.

You see, pre-sleeve, I wanted to get to a 12. A size 12 and I'd be happy. Well, here I am, size 12, and I still want to be smaller. I still pick at my flaws, they're just different to my previous ones. Instead of "look how enormous I am," it's become, "Gross... look at all my sag."

My saggy inner-thigh. Taken to share with sleever friends.

Don't get me wrong, I am MUCH happier being a size 12 than I ever was a 22. Oh, yes, I figured out what size I would have actually been pre-op. A 22. I didn't know this as I only wore City Chic clothing, which is quite generous and flattering... but yep, a size 22. Anyway, of course I'm happier being a 12 than a 22, but it's still not good enough.

I think counselling should be mandatory as a part of this journey, because in all honesty, if you're a self-hater, you're going to be a self-hater even once you lose weight, you'll just find other parts of yourself to focus on instead. For me, it's mostly sag. Or really dumb things, like my hair. I cut my hair short, and dyed it red. I felt really really hideous for a while and thought I looked like a boy. Too masculine. Not feminine. I would ONLY wear dresses, and always wear make-up, girly shoes, earrings, rings and bracelets. And nail polish. I wouldn't go outside without these things on, because I was assured people would think I looked butch otherwise.

Can you see how that might be pretty much the same as a fat girl who thinks she needs to dress up and look good enough so that perhaps she might be forgiven for being fat? Like her nice clothes might make up for the fact she was fat? Well, yeah, I was doing that... except about a hairstyle.

I'm also not skinny enough, and I want to get smaller. I knew I had wanted to get to 70kg then reassess, so it's not too unexpected there, but I did expect to be feeling much smaller than I actually do now that I'm almost there (71.2kg as of yesterday).

You say to yourself, "once I get to XXkg I'll be happy," but it's not always true, and it's just not something I expected to feel post-op.

Uncertainty
So... if I'm not the fat girl, who am I? I'm not really sure how to define myself anymore, and it actually feels really strange. I know we're all about not labelling ourself, not boxing ourselves in and whatnot these days, but in a way, it's comforting to have a neat little label you can stick on yourself. There's numerous labels you could give a person, but "fat girl," was always my defining one. Now that I've lost weight, what label do I get?

I'm not fat anymore. I know I have fat on me, but I'd say "fat" wouldn't be a word all but the nasty and very picky would use to describe me (not as the first few words anyway). I'm not skinny either. I'm just kind of middle-of-the-road. I guess all other "looks" labels don't really say as much about me as fat did either. Big-busted means I wear a large-letter on my bra tag, but it doesn't really say who I am. Nor does short. Nor does brunette. Nor does any other looks-based label like "fat girl," did.

It's also hard to talk to fat people about weight struggles if they didn't know you as a fat person. They look at you like, "wtf would you know?" Just as I would have if I was whinging about being 107kg and they were all, "I know, I really want to lose 5kg to get to 65kg." I would be thinking, "Pfft. Wtf? That's not a problem! 5kg is nothing!" I would think they were stupid to even presume they could relate. People who don't know I was fat, or even those who know I was but didn't know me then, react like that. Like I'm being a condescending bitch or just have no idea wtf they're going through.

Never-been-fat people are hard to relate to as well. Their "Oh, I want to lose 5kg," stuff still seems pretty unimportant. They still have their "when I was a skinny teenager and had a million friends and guys after me..." type stories are not tales I can relate to.

I just don't know how to describe it to someone who hasn't been there, but it honestly wasn't something I had expected to feel. Now I'm just an "ex-fatty," and that's it, and yet it doesn't seem to encompass me as a person as much as "fat girl," did, and it just feel a wee bit frightening...

Arrogance
Sometimes, I notice I'm getting arrogant. Don't get me wrong, confidence is good. I've noticed that I've stopped worrying about my partner leaving me... but then sometimes I feel a surge of arrogance surrounding that thought, and add an internal, "and if he did, I could find me someone else easily!" or even, "and why would he want to? I look hot now!"

I know this sounds contradictory to the not-being-satisfied point made above, and yeah, it is. My head is a bit mess of contradictions and confusion. This is not ongoing, endless arrogance, it's fleeting. It pops up, I'm arrogant for a few thoughts, then it goes away again and I'm feeling like I'm not good enough again.

The arrogance is not usually something I let out vocally, or even care to admit publically, but in the name of keeping this blog honest, here it is. It's usually something I think, and then stop think, "Whoa, that was seriously up-yourself!" Things like a guy cracking onto me in a club and me, internally, rolling my eyes and thinking, "Really dude? Do you really think I couldn't do better than you if I was looking?!" Yes, that kind of horrible arrogance. It makes me feel dreadful too, after it disappears again.

I have no idea why it happens, but I do suspect it might have to do with the fact that I'm getting treated in a way I have never been treated previously. People are nice to me. People are more willing to help me out. People compliment me randomly. Shop girls want to make pointless conversation with me. Guys will choose to try and chat me up rather than one of my pretty friends first (never happened until I had the op). Health care professionals are nicer to me. Freaking EVERYONE is nicer to me, and it's weird. Even my horrible brother-in-law treats me nicely, and he's not a particularly nice person anyway. It's this whole new way of being treated, of being noticed, and I suppose I may be unprepared for it all... and thus occasionally, get arrogant because of it.

I hadn't expected to become an arrogant jerk from time-to-time, and I am thankful that it's something I am able to to keep to myself, but it's a bit of a shock all the same.

...

I hope that wasn't too much of a downer, but they are some of the things I've experienced since the sleeve that I had not expected to, and I think it's important to share that info with potential sleevers. Please keep in mind that this is one person's experience, and it doesn't have to be yours... but it's worth considering there will likely be things you experience that you didn't expect to. Plan ahead, but arming yourself with a good counsellor to see you through!

Anyway, in other news... 71.2kg as I mentioned before. Chipping away slowly. Almost at 70kg so would like to make my new goal 65kg. There it is - first time written down, officially. I have no care for how long that takes. I am not going to disappoint myself by setting a time-limit on it. It'll happen when and if it happens. I've been quite slack with my exericise lately, but I do hope that after I finish my studies I can get back into it a bit more gung-ho.