Up Close and Personal... starring My Body

This post is going to be pretty bloody honest and raw... because there'll be some hideous photos in here.

Now, I've posted some unflattering photos of myself before, right at the beginning, but these are taken NOW and these are of my flesh. God they're confronting for me - to see how my body looks in a photograph is really sad. I don't want to be as fat as that anymore - I look like an overstuffed sausage.

Still, I think it's important to have these photos. Partly to show me that I AM doing the right thing by having my surgery (not that I really feel otherwise at the moment, but come closer to the surgery date, I might be feeling that way and I'll be able to look at these and reassure myself it's the right thing to do), and partly so I have something to look back on and go, "Holy Crap, look how much I've changed!"

Why am I sharing them with you guys? Well, because I like that I'm kind of accountable to you - whoever "you" may be. I also hope that perhaps someone comes across this blog oneday and sees the difference between my NOW photos and my future photos when the weight has come off... or even if someone just sees my photos and thinks, "Well, I'm not that bad then am I?" I mean, that sounds kind of bad... but I'll be happy if someone sees my fatty flesh and feels less hideous as a result, especially when people are generally nice to me online about how I look (because I think I tend to cover up my flesh fairly well).

First though, here's me with clothes. Yeah, the shot is taken in the reflection of a window so it's kind of weird, but I don't have a full length mirror (I will so get one soon!) and figured this might be a better way to give you the general idea of my shape/size.

 I've pulled my clothes tight in these pics so you can see my outline a bit better. Personally, I think I look much better front-on in clothes because you can't see as many bumps and lumps as side-on... at least in clothes anyway. Front-on, I even have a hint of a curve at my middle.

Now it's time for the "ew" pics. These have seriously made me cry looking at them, but I guess that's what happens when you see how hideous you look this up-close. Looking in a mirror is different for me... maybe because I can pose, or avert my eyes from the gross areas and instead focus on my breasts (because seriously, they are about the only thing worth looking at, and the'yre not all lumpy and bumpy like the rest of me). I haven't done a full body shot... more smaller shots of what I'd consider my least attractive areas...

My chin/neck...

Okay, so apart from the fact there's a pimple there and I had the way my lips and chin stick out (I seriously want my chin to be cut off), you can see there'd a fair bit of excess flab here. I am hoping this will disappear... but I do think I won't get away with it being gone entirely because even my skinny relatives have flabby chin/necks, and so I'm thinking it might just be something my family has. *sigh* Still, if I could face you front-on and now have that extra bit to wobble around under my jaw, I'll be a happy girl.

My Arms...

Ahhh... delightful tuck-shop lady arms. *vomit* Mine are really quite fleshy and I hate them. If I could get rid of the majority of that flesh, even if it still had sag to it, I would be pleased. They're so huge they have difficulty fitting into things... and that's just pathetic and really upsetting.

My thighs...

They're touching to the knee! Seriously - that's disturbing. I also hate the amount of lumps and bumps in them - it's so very flabby rather than simply being large. Much like an overstuffed sausage really. I aim to exercise these babies off - I will still have large thighs I suspect, but they could touch a lot less and be a lot firmer, not so lumpy and jiggly.

My backside...

I actually think I could look nice from this angle if I firmed up and lost a bit. I suspect I'll always have a largeish bottom, but to be less bumpy, to be firmer and smaller, I think I might look okay from this angle (perhaps because there are no stretchmarks?). I have a very obvious arch in my lower back, that I think could potentially be sexy if the rest of me sorted itself out.

Now for the ones that upset me the most... my middle...

You can see my stretchmarks clearly - and they'll be the reason that even if I end up with a really hot body (which I won't anyway), I will never be pleased enough to show it to the world. You can also see, particularly in the middle photo, where my stomach kind of hangs over itself. I am sure this has to do with weight as well, but it's also a looser skin there, and the "crease" part is where my caesarean scar is... so I'm not sure this will ever completely go away.

I really dislike the way my belly button is very long and looks like a sad-face... though part of it is ugly because I've had an incision there before when I had my gallbladder removed, so it's probably going to be kind of unattractive after weight loss anyway.

You can see though, that my body WANTS to be hourglass-ish... so I really do hope that it manages to get there oneday. My hips and that horrible muffin top really upset me though - I can grab those parts with my hand and jiggle them around. Reminds me of the Simpsons, "Grab some flab!" (where Homer wants to get on disability and gets really really fat to do so...).

These do make me quite unhappy though - knowing that this is what my partner has to put up with by being with me. I get a nice, slender, toned body to look at and touch. He gets... this. I feel really guilty and like I'm treating him really badly by being with him since this is what he gets. Gross.

The pictures are sobering, and upsetting... but I guess they can also bring me hope in knowing that this is as bad as it'll get... that in a bit over a month, I'll be making a permanent adjustment to my life to make sure that this goes away and doesn't happy ever again.