Sometimes, you just have bad body-hating days... even after the sleeve...

After god knows how long being 75.something or 76.something depending on day, I finally saw a SEVENTY FOUR on the scales yesterday. 74.9kg, but meh. It was still 74. Hopefully it'll continue going down again...

Anyway, I'm mostly in a sour mood lately because I am so annoyed at excess skin. I believe I've offered photos of this before... I can't remember... but either way, I hate it. Excess skin ruins everything. I could probably fit nicely into swimwear, for example... but I have saggy inner thighs which are a hideous joke. I have saggy arms. I have a saggy belly. Today, especially, the saggy belly has been ruining my mood.

I so want to wear pencil skirts. I don't know for how long, but I used to watch old movies, and in old movies, sexy girls wear pencil skirts and little tight woollen "sweaters," with their bullet bras underneath. The top half I couldn't care less about,but I have always longed to wear a sexy pencil skirt.

Well, today I gave it a go and purchased one. I wasn't wearing shapewear when I tried it on, and noticed a bit of a belly, but thought it didn't much matter because I'd pop on some shapewear and it'd solve all my worries. Except it didn't. *sigh*

Now not all of my belly is skin, I know this. Some of it is still fat... but it's the saggy fleshy jiggly bit that gives me the shits, rather than the fatty bit. The fatty parts I can hope with, but the saggy parts that just hang have really irked me.

Front on, I thought I looked fine. Side on... I wanted to cry.

I do suspect I may have slightly unrealistic unexpectations. I think I see a pencil skirt and hot shoes and think of something like this:

 Of course though, I am not Doris Mayday, nor will I ever be... but I guess that doesn't my head from having a little bit of a tanty when I realise that I do not look at all like she does in a pencil dress/skirt. lol. Perhaps I need a girdle or a corset. Actually, Georgina who runs the blog Fuller Figure Fuller Bust is gorgeous and fuller-figured (hence the name, obviously), but managed to look rocking in a lot of pinup gear, including really tight-fitting items. I know she'll wear corsets occasionally, so perhaps that's what I need! One like this: What Katie Did Morticia corset.

 So, I've decided that when I've lost all the weight I want to lose and when I've had all the children I'm going to have, I'm going to have a tummy tuck. Previously I've seen them on American makeover TV shows and thought they looked really weird and unnatural, but a few sleevers have been kind enough to share their pics after their tummy tucks, and they look great... so it's something I'm aiming for. Apparently it's something you may be able to get in the public system too... but in all honesty, I don't even care about that. I just want it done. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen for some time because lord knows when I'll finally be done having babies.

So while I was planning on wearing some sexy shoes and a pencil skirt out this weekend, I now have to go shopping and get something else. Luckily, there's a Trash Monkey store in the same suburb as where I'll be staying Saturday night (going to the Gold Coast for a girl's night out), so I'm hoping I can just score something there. I'm after a Hell Bunny dress... a darker coloured one. 

Anyway, I don't even know what this blog post is really about... just letting you know that even after weight loss, you'll still have days when you feel like a hideous beast, and everyone will think you're insane. I know people who are bigger than me are probably like, "Wtf?" when I complain about how I look in the pencil skirt, but I suppose I am one of those people who will never be happy with myself. Something I really ought to work on. Just a warning sleevers-to-be... losing weight doesn't make you love yourself automatically. I find it a lot EASIER to love myself now, but I still have moments where I think I look repulsive.

Anyway, I am hoping a new dress tomorrow will make me feel much better, and if I am somehow lucky enough to get some sort of positive male attention when I go out, all the better! At least I'll be worth looking at, rather than being, once again, "the fat friend of the hot girl." It would be nice to be acknowledged for more than simply being the fat person who makes a pretty girl look ever more appealing. 

Why sleeve over band, bloods came back and some undie progress shots!

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I did update my VLOG over on Youtube though (GastricSleeveStacey is my username) if you want a stickybeak.

Anyway, I've recently been getting a LOT of eMails from people asking about the sleeve, how life with the sleeve is, etc etc... but also why I chose it over the band. Nobody ever really asks about bypass... but I'll just basically say I never really considered bypass - when I read a little about it initially the malabsorption issues didn't really do much for me, and it seemed like something that only people much bigger than I was did... and eventually my surgeon said he wouldn't do a bypass for someone my size anyway, so glad I didn't waste time researching it.


Q: Okay, so why sleeve over the band?

A: I could not find a happy lap-bander! 


The thing I wanted to know, first and foremost, was what life was actually like for people after their WLS, be it sleeve or band. So I looked on forums, in blogs, on youtube vids, etc... wanting to hear how people who've made these decisions and had to live with them went.

In the end, what I seemed to discover was, "I LOVE MY SLEEVE!" style posts from those with the sleeve. Occasionally there would be a "I have issues with dairy," or "dumping is driving me mental," or some such posts. NEW sleevers were complaining of sore tummies when they swallowed. But the general consensus seemed to be "Hallelujah for the sleeve!"

The lap-banders... well, they tended to be a lot like this: "My band has slipped... again," or "I need another fill..." or "My port has moved so I need to go have surgery to fix it up," or "I've had the band for 3 years and have lost only 15kg," or "I spew up every single I eat, I can't even drink water... help!" or "This reflux is so bad I want to curl up and die." Pretty much those things... over and over again.

Also, I read a lot of, "I have the band... but am getting it out and having the sleeve in X amount of months." I figured - why waste my time getting the band if even those who commited to the band want it out to get a sleeve done instead?

Plus, those weren't inspirational, encouraging quotes I found. They were scary. Who would want to live life in fear of throwing up even WATER? Of only being able to eat popcorn (seriously, this is what someone said recently) and nothing else? Of constantly going to the surgeon to get fills or unfills or whatever they're called because it's too loose or tight? Of having it erode your stomach so the sleeve is not even possible if you want to do that later down the track (surgeon warned me of this, but I've heard of others saying they couldn't do it as well)? Of feeling so crap you can't even enjoy the fact you've lost weight?

I was sick of diets. I was sick of feeling miserable. I mean, I was also sick of being fat and unhealthy, but tbh, I think I'd rather be fat and still have $5000 and be able to swallow water, than be 15kg and $5000 lighter and be in agony and suffering from dehydration because I couldn't even get that in.

So quite simply, those WITH the band scared me. They said scary things that I didn't want to happen to me... and so, they persuaded me to not get the band... and I really thank them for that, because in all honesty, without that window in their life with a band, I may have gone down that path too. I am so very grateful I did not.

Anyway, I thought I'd also update you on how I'm going. Still at 75kg. As I said, I don't think my body is keen to lose any more and it probably won't unless I live in a gym and live on pure lean protein. Not going to happen... so I'm happily sitting at 75kg. I'm about a size 12-14... really depends on what the item is. Waist is 78cm so still healthy range, and my body fat percentage is about 29% which is good too.

I got all my blood work back, and everything is looking great. This was when my bloods were taken in March too (yes, I'm lazy and didn't see my surgeon again until yesterday), when I was quite lazy about my multivitamins so it means my diet alone is pretty good. Iron and Vitamin B are the main concerns, but mine are perfect levels. It means I'm probably getting in enough of what I need through diet, which is fantastic... and means I needn't feel bad when I decide I want some Noodlebox (since I had their pad thai a few weeks ago, I cannot stop thinking about it! lol). Mind you, I can eat about 1/8th of the small box... and that's it.

Figured I'd grant you all the fabulous privilege of seeing me in my underwear. Just so you can see how things are.

Let's refresh your memories first though... me in my underwear pre-op...

Fabulous huh? lol.

Well here's me recently...

So far from perfect and you can see I'm a bit sagging (as I showed in the previous entry), but It's a hell of a lot nicer than it was, at least. And yes, I'm all about not matching. I actually have matching knickers to that bra, but never seen to wear them together. lol.

And, me in some clothing. Yeah, it's taken about 2 weeks ago, but I've not really changed since then anyway.

So, there you have it... why the band was slaughtered by the sleeve (for me), how my health is going and some not-so-great undie shots but hey, at least you can hopefully see some sort of difference! I can! :)