Almost 2-years-old... and the blue dress that fixed my head (somehow)

So in 4 days, my sleeve will be 2-years-old.

I haven't really changed in weight since I last posted... I seem to be maintaining, and for a while, I was quite down about that. Some sleevers have gotten so small they have to try and bulk back up again... but I've settled at 71kg. I have no doubt that if I went super-strict on diet and spent all my free time exercising, I would lose more... but that's just not something I'm willing to do at this point.

I wanted to lose weight, but I don't want to be OBSESSED with it. I had my sleeve so I could finally live life without constantly thinking about my size... and the sleeve has given me that.

Thing is, when you're part of various sleever groups and forums, and people have lost 100kg or more, you start to feel a bit disappointed in yourself because you haven't lost that much. It's irrational, because I couldn't have lost 100kg no matter what I did... I wasn't as big as some others are before the sleeve, so obviously their losses will be greater. I also think about my weight and see that some are about 55kg. I'm 15kg (well, 16kg actually) heavier than that! Sometimes, that would really bother me. Why wasn't I an itsy size 6/8?

Then I purchased a blue dress. It wasn't a particular special blue dress... it's a Glamour Bunny dress I found on eBay with a starting price of $10. Glamour Bunny is somewhat expensive and there's a design I've been lusting after for months and months... however, factor in postage from the UK (the only place I can get it from) and it'll cost me well over $200 for this one item, that may not even properly fit. Naturally, I've held back on purchasing it.

I do an eBay search every so often though, and this time, it came up with the blue dress. For $10, plus $10 postage, I figured I might as well. I had ordered a corset, so thought maybe I could wear this blue dress over the corset when they both arrived. After all, this blue dress was pretty much skin-tight, and I wasn't going to do skin-tight without something to hold all my flab in, surely?

Glamour Bunny dress: http://www.glamourbunny.co.uk/

Well, my dress arrived sooner than the corset did, so I decided to try it on anyway, just to see if it even fit at all. It was a Large, which was depressing. Large. Was I still classed a "large"? I comforted myself with the fact that I needed a large for my bust... and even then, the 38 inches they've made the bust for is 3 inches smaller than my actual bust... but I've got to a point where I've got to choose - do I want squashed boobs or a loose tummy? Generally, I'll settle for squashed boobs.

Anyway, I tried on my blue dress... and something magical happened. I know that sounds absurd, and it kind of is... but I looked in the mirror and realised: I didn't need a corset. Hell, I didn't even need basic shapewear.

Okay, so I have a little bit of a tummy... but losing weight and having a 10lbs 4oz baby will do that to you. Okay, so my body is super-smooth. Okay so I'm wearing a LARGE. 

Whatever, I thought, I'm not large, and I look damn good. I might not look PERFECT, but I finally realised - I am happy enough at this size. I'm not fat enough for people to use that as a word to describe me. At most, I think people would say I'm "average," if I'm completely honest. I'm MOSTLY a size 12, sometimes a 14 to allow for bust, and to me, that's fairly average. 

I'll never be skinny. I've never wanted to be skinny though, not really... I think the competitive side comes out when I see others ending up smaller... but rationally, "skinny," has never been something I had wanted my body to be. SkinnIER but not skinny. 

I also have curves - and while some skinny girls achieve that, many do not. I'm happy that I've got a shapely body, and am quite satisfied with the fact that my waist is 12 inches smaller than both bust and hip... and you know what? I don't need to be skinny, I can feel awesome being curvy and average-sized and with a bit of fat. 

Don't get my wrong, I'm not going to love my body every day of my life. I'll still have my moments. I do think though, I'm mostly going to be content as I am. There's things I want to change - I want a fleur de lis tummy tuck, a thigh lift, a breast lift and an arm lift. That's a lot of skin-removal... and while I want it done, I don't think it's going to be life-shattering if it doesn't end up happening... and that's a really nice place for me to be mentally, and it's somewhere I've not been before.

And... just because I mentioned the corset, I HAD to share the results of that thing! I purchased it from Orchard Corset and it's a CS-426 . It's an underbust, since I knew an overbust might mean it won't fit properly, and even on my first attempt putting it on (without assistance, mind you, which was quite difficult... lol), I noticed a huge difference to my shape. 

Anyway, I shared this little moment with my sleever friends in groups I'm a part of, but thought it very appropriate to add here, especially since I've neglected the blog so much. 

That's mostly due to life. Rather, the life the sleeve has given me. Pre-sleeve, it was all about being "too fat for that." I may have mentioned before that the reason I hadn't done my beauty diploma sooner was the fear of having to strip down in front of other girls. Well, as you guys know I completed that diploma last year... complete with communal showering. It was no big deal... and the sleeve gave me that. 

I'm now working full-time as not only a beauty therapist, but an advanced beauty therapist. That probably means very little to those not in the industry, or even those in it who work for places that don't have "levels" of therapist, but where I'm currently working (I quit the day spa in April) I've been pushed up the ranks very quickly indeed. There are 3 levels of therapist, and I'm now right at the top. Out of about 13 girls, only 3 of us are advanced therapists - the other 2 having been in the company for years and years. I think the confidence I got from having lost weight, not having my weight as an excuse to just not bother trying... well, I was able to climb that ladder and become an advanced therapist without even trying. I'm very happy that I'm doing quite well in my new career. 

I'm also not only the lightest I've been in my life in terms of weight, but in hair colour. A trip to the hairdressers recently resulted in me deciding to go lighter. It's a gradual process, given I'm so dark naturally... but here's how it's looking so far after 2 sessions lightening and toning... 

Not perfect... but neither am I.

Another uneventful entry...

So my sleeve is about 17.5 months old now, and life is pretty much normal. Yes, I don't eat like I did pre-op and I never will, but it's been long enough since my op for life as a sleever to become something that is just normal, not strange. Well, I guess occasionally I'll look at my pitiful portions and think, "I can't believe this is all I can eat!" but mostly, it's just something I'm used to.

Perhaps the hardest thing now is eating at work. I'm working at the day spa several days a week, and get a 1/2 hour lunch break each shift. 1/2 hour is nice for a break, but not so much for lunch. I'm finding that instead of eating during my lunch break, I eat a bite here and there whenever I can. It works out well for me, but it can sometimes be difficult... it means I'm not really eating much at all. If I am only give officially 1/2 hour over a course of 8 hours to eat, that's really very little food I'm consuming. So if I have a spare 10 mins, I'll try to get something in, because I know I won't eat much otherwise... and given that some of it is quite physical (massaging a man built like a gorilla for an hour is hard enough... some days I have 4 of them in a row, and damn it's tough!), I really feel that I've GOT to make sure I'm eating.

Speaking of eating, I decided to do a before/after shot of food, mostly so I could see how much I was eating per meal these days. I didn't eat out of the measuring cup in the pic. lol.

I dished myself up a bit less than a cup of spaghetti (full of fresh tomatoes, carrots, zucchini and onion, herbs, mince and wholegrain penne, with a little cheese on top, so not TOO bad health-wise!), and when I was done there was about 1/3 of a cup left, so I ate a little less than 2/3 of a cup. 

I've also been thinking more and more about plastic surgery. Some fellow sleevers have mentioned it being "reconstructive," and while that's somewhat true, my skin overhang isn't nearly as bad as some end up with, so I'm not sure anyone would class it as reconstructive. Who knows. Regardless, it looks like I'll end up about $5000 out of pocket for each op. There are 4 things I'm considering - tummy tuck, breast lift, thigh lift (upper thigh only) and arm lift. I'm honestly not sure I'll want to do them all though, so trying to figure out what's most important. Right now, I'm thinking maybe arms and thighs. My stomach is destroyed anyway, it will never see the light of day regardless, so is there really a point to doing that? I suppose after I have more kids my mind might change, but right now, I'm thinking that maybe it can just be left alone. 

My arms are nice and gross, I don't like them. Same with my upper thighs. So I think they're probably most likely to get done. 

My boobs... well, I'd like them to be fuller (not so empty) but they still look nice in a bra, and it's not like I've gone down heaps of cup sizes so they're really really empty. In fact, I've gone from a 20E to a 12G (was fitted yesterday), so technically not shrunk much at all in that area. 

Strangely enough, watching Mad Men has helped me stop stressing about my belly. Christina Hendricks is stunning. Her curves are amazing. Yet, I notice, in her little wiggle dresses when she's side-on, she has a small belly... like I do. If I think she's stunning... if other people find her stunning...then her little belly can't be too horrible can it? 

Well, I've decided if she can do it, so can I. So I have. Apart from my new Collectif sarong dress in the previous entry, I've just scored myself a Hell Bunny Desperado Pencil Dress, that is, pretty much, skin-tight. I have a little belly, but I've decided that so what? I also have curves that I didn't have pre-op (or I did, they were just less extreme)... so I'm going to dress how I want, and since I love wiggle dresses, I'm going to wear them regardless of my little belly sag/fat. 

This is my lovely new dress, and something that I MUST brag about is the size. Now Hell Bunny is quite generous, and the dress does offer a little stretch... so don't think I'm delusional in thinking that I am now this size... but... this dress is a SMALL. It's all I could get my hands on, all other sizes were sold out... so looking at the measurements and knowing there was a stretch-panel in the back of the bust, I decided to risk it. It arrived today, and it fits. 

I am over the moon... partly because it's a small, and partly because I've decided to embrace my little belly and wear wiggle dresses regardless of it. 

That's about it from me I think...

Will I ever be happy? (and a few other random bits)

I've started to wonder if I'll ever be happy with myself.

When you're fat, you think that you'll love yourself more once you lose weight, and you do. Or at least, I do. I am happier with how I look and thus less timid, less shy. I've found that instead of focusing on weight as my major flaw though, I've started examining other parts of myself more closely, and I think if I had access to a fair bit of money, I'd be off to get more surgery.

I know that once I'm done with having children, my stomach is going to need some work done. It's nice and saggy now, and having carried a 10lbs 4oz baby for 42 weeks previously, it's not the prettiest sight. My breasts are also an area of concern for me... they look okay in a bra most of the time, but while they are still large, there's a fair bit of skin there, and they're not quite "full." I'd like to remedy that, but aren't yet sure whether I want just lift or a lift and (very small) implants. I suppose a consult with a surgeon will help clear that up. Then there's my thighs and arms. My inner thighs are not pretty and no about of additional exercise is going to improve them unfortunately. I think my arms may be slightly improved with increased exercise, but they're never going to be as small as I'd like without a trip to the plastic surgeon first.

So that's 4 operations, at least... but all of these are the result of weight lost (with my stomach being a combination of weight loss and pregnancy)... but even if my body had sprung back from weight loss without any of these things, there's other things that bother me that I've never really liked, but that have always seemed like fairly unimportant problems to me because my weight stood out much more. Now that that problem is not such a big one, these issues have increased and begun to bother me more.

My nose is perhaps my main concern. I don't like it. It's bulbous at the end and is just... big and ugly. I'd like it made cute and little. Ashlee Simpson's new nose is more to my taste. I often fantasize about getting my new nose... but what if I went through with it, and it turned out like some Michael Jackson monstrosity? And what am I teaching my daughter? On one hand, I can tell myself I'm teaching her that if you don't like yourself as you are... you're free to change yourself until you're happy. But really, what I really think I'd be teaching is, "You're never good enough until you're perfect... but you'll never be perfect because nobody is, and you'll find flaws even when nobody else does." So, hopefully, there'll be no nose-job in my future. I'll suck it up and deal with it, because my nose is my nose, and I want her to understand that she is fine the way she is.

The rest of me? I find that my thighs are uncomfortable in the Summer heat, so while work on them would be cosmetic it would also make life a bit nicer for me too... and so I am okay with that. My tummy, arms and boobs are all possibilities but I'm hoping I can at least deal with some of them without worrying too much. Regardless, I've got years left to decide, because I'm not working on anything until I've finished having children.

Another thing that I can't fix with surgery, is my waist-to-hip ratio. I've become fixated on my ratio, and want it ever-increasing. Right now my bust and hips are about equal and my waist is 10 inches smaller. I'd be thrilled if I could increase that gap though, and so am considering purchasing a lovely What Katie Did corset, in hopes of shrinking it by 4-5 inches more. Only when wearing the corset, of course, though maybe oneday I could move on to waist training and see how that goes, for slightly more permanent results. Apparently that's what Doris Mayday does, and I love her curves.

The gorgeous Doris Mayday modeling for: http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/

In other news, I got a gorgeous Collectif dress delivered from the UK recently. I was unsure as to whether or not it would fit properly, as I don't really like my tummy, but chose a sarong-style pencil-skirted dress in the hopes that the overlap might disguise my stomach a little.

I am absolutely in love with the dress. I'm in a size 12 with very little stretch, and for anyone considering a Collectif dress, I found that I could fit into their dress despite the size chart suggesting that I needed a 36inch bust to fit (mine is 40inches - or a 12FF). You couldn't fit any more into it, though I have heard their plain-coloured dresses usually have more stretch to them.

Admiring the shape the dress gave me (or rather, admiring the way the dress enhanced my own shape), I decided to compare to an old "fat" photo... and I must say, I am very very impressed by this before/after combination.

Dress on Right by Collectif: http://www.collectif.co.uk/

I'm still sitting at 71kg but am going to try and up my exercise soon and see if that can work me to under 70kg. I really need to be committed to it, and I know that right at this point in time I might not be... but I'm trying to get my head into it. I am exercising, a little, at the moment, after slacking off for a few months, but want to increase it to see improved results. I also ate way too much rubbish over Christmas, not in quantity just in quality. Too much junk food, not enough good, healthy foods, so back on the bandwagon it is! Luckily, I saw no regain as a result of my lousy eating, so I'm grateful for that.