I haven't really changed in weight since I last posted... I seem to be maintaining, and for a while, I was quite down about that. Some sleevers have gotten so small they have to try and bulk back up again... but I've settled at 71kg. I have no doubt that if I went super-strict on diet and spent all my free time exercising, I would lose more... but that's just not something I'm willing to do at this point.
I wanted to lose weight, but I don't want to be OBSESSED with it. I had my sleeve so I could finally live life without constantly thinking about my size... and the sleeve has given me that.
Thing is, when you're part of various sleever groups and forums, and people have lost 100kg or more, you start to feel a bit disappointed in yourself because you haven't lost that much. It's irrational, because I couldn't have lost 100kg no matter what I did... I wasn't as big as some others are before the sleeve, so obviously their losses will be greater. I also think about my weight and see that some are about 55kg. I'm 15kg (well, 16kg actually) heavier than that! Sometimes, that would really bother me. Why wasn't I an itsy size 6/8?
Then I purchased a blue dress. It wasn't a particular special blue dress... it's a Glamour Bunny dress I found on eBay with a starting price of $10. Glamour Bunny is somewhat expensive and there's a design I've been lusting after for months and months... however, factor in postage from the UK (the only place I can get it from) and it'll cost me well over $200 for this one item, that may not even properly fit. Naturally, I've held back on purchasing it.
I do an eBay search every so often though, and this time, it came up with the blue dress. For $10, plus $10 postage, I figured I might as well. I had ordered a corset, so thought maybe I could wear this blue dress over the corset when they both arrived. After all, this blue dress was pretty much skin-tight, and I wasn't going to do skin-tight without something to hold all my flab in, surely?
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| Glamour Bunny dress: http://www.glamourbunny.co.uk/ |
Well, my dress arrived sooner than the corset did, so I decided to try it on anyway, just to see if it even fit at all. It was a Large, which was depressing. Large. Was I still classed a "large"? I comforted myself with the fact that I needed a large for my bust... and even then, the 38 inches they've made the bust for is 3 inches smaller than my actual bust... but I've got to a point where I've got to choose - do I want squashed boobs or a loose tummy? Generally, I'll settle for squashed boobs.
Anyway, I tried on my blue dress... and something magical happened. I know that sounds absurd, and it kind of is... but I looked in the mirror and realised: I didn't need a corset. Hell, I didn't even need basic shapewear.
Okay, so I have a little bit of a tummy... but losing weight and having a 10lbs 4oz baby will do that to you. Okay, so my body is super-smooth. Okay so I'm wearing a LARGE.
Whatever, I thought, I'm not large, and I look damn good. I might not look PERFECT, but I finally realised - I am happy enough at this size. I'm not fat enough for people to use that as a word to describe me. At most, I think people would say I'm "average," if I'm completely honest. I'm MOSTLY a size 12, sometimes a 14 to allow for bust, and to me, that's fairly average.
I'll never be skinny. I've never wanted to be skinny though, not really... I think the competitive side comes out when I see others ending up smaller... but rationally, "skinny," has never been something I had wanted my body to be. SkinnIER but not skinny.
I also have curves - and while some skinny girls achieve that, many do not. I'm happy that I've got a shapely body, and am quite satisfied with the fact that my waist is 12 inches smaller than both bust and hip... and you know what? I don't need to be skinny, I can feel awesome being curvy and average-sized and with a bit of fat.
Don't get my wrong, I'm not going to love my body every day of my life. I'll still have my moments. I do think though, I'm mostly going to be content as I am. There's things I want to change - I want a fleur de lis tummy tuck, a thigh lift, a breast lift and an arm lift. That's a lot of skin-removal... and while I want it done, I don't think it's going to be life-shattering if it doesn't end up happening... and that's a really nice place for me to be mentally, and it's somewhere I've not been before.
And... just because I mentioned the corset, I HAD to share the results of that thing! I purchased it from Orchard Corset and it's a CS-426 . It's an underbust, since I knew an overbust might mean it won't fit properly, and even on my first attempt putting it on (without assistance, mind you, which was quite difficult... lol), I noticed a huge difference to my shape.
Anyway, I shared this little moment with my sleever friends in groups I'm a part of, but thought it very appropriate to add here, especially since I've neglected the blog so much.
That's mostly due to life. Rather, the life the sleeve has given me. Pre-sleeve, it was all about being "too fat for that." I may have mentioned before that the reason I hadn't done my beauty diploma sooner was the fear of having to strip down in front of other girls. Well, as you guys know I completed that diploma last year... complete with communal showering. It was no big deal... and the sleeve gave me that.
I'm now working full-time as not only a beauty therapist, but an advanced beauty therapist. That probably means very little to those not in the industry, or even those in it who work for places that don't have "levels" of therapist, but where I'm currently working (I quit the day spa in April) I've been pushed up the ranks very quickly indeed. There are 3 levels of therapist, and I'm now right at the top. Out of about 13 girls, only 3 of us are advanced therapists - the other 2 having been in the company for years and years. I think the confidence I got from having lost weight, not having my weight as an excuse to just not bother trying... well, I was able to climb that ladder and become an advanced therapist without even trying. I'm very happy that I'm doing quite well in my new career.
I'm also not only the lightest I've been in my life in terms of weight, but in hair colour. A trip to the hairdressers recently resulted in me deciding to go lighter. It's a gradual process, given I'm so dark naturally... but here's how it's looking so far after 2 sessions lightening and toning...
Not perfect... but neither am I.
