I've lost 100g since my last weight update. So now I'm 95.6kg. I'm tempted to go "ONLY 100g?! WTF?!" and whinge about how little I've been eating so how that's so disappointing... blah blah... but while it bothers me a tiny bit I generally don't care.

There's this "3 week plateau" sleevers tend to mention... and guess what? I'm there. I'm about 3.5 weeks post-op. I figure my body has gone, "Okay, so you're not going to feed me enough to live on I see... no matter, I'll save every last calorie you consume until I need it." My body is clearly an idiot because it seems to forgotten that saving up fat stores is all it's done for the past... well, a long time. lol. Still, I think it means that I'm going to need to eat more to lose more... though of course, eating more is a task when you actually cannot eat more.

I do think I probably can though. I need to eat MORE OFTEN. I've got a plan for Breakfast, Snack, Lunch, Snack, Dinner, Snack. I am mostly eating breakfast, lunch and dinner though... so obviously need to start paying attention to those snacks. IF I can get anything in, that is.

I did manage some yummy food for lunch though... some baby crab cakes. I plan on making some fish cakes myself, but these just came pre-packaged in the frozen seafood section so I decided to give them a go. They really are tiny though... I had 4, which sounds impressive... until you learn they're about the size of a 20c piece each. lol. Yummy though, especially for something pre-packed like that.

Saw MIL this morning as well. Our house was getting sprayed for bugs, so she came over for that... and I mentioned that I'd been taking photos just to keep myself updated (I can't think of why we were talking about it). Anyway, I mentioned that you can't see too much difference, but she piped up with, "Oh YOU probably think you can't... but I can see HEAPS of difference..." and added that it was my face, neck and middle she's noticed it. Which was nice. As I've said before (I think?), she's not really one to offer compliments, so it was nice to hear it. Again.

Not much else to report really... life is cruisy at the moment.

Needing to Eat More, Wound Updates and Progress Pics

What have I eaten today?

So far...
3/4 tub Yoplait Forme Satisfy Yoghurt.
About 8 "bites" of the Weetbix Bites in low-fat milk.
Water
Diet Cordial
A tiny bit of cranberry juice (light one)

I have no idea what dinner will bring... I have a tin of chunky soup that I'll give a go to if I can't find anything more appetising. DD has her first sleepover ever tonight, so I have 2 6-year-olds to feed and entertain. They're a bit hyperactive right now... jumping about. Little piglets gobbled up a massive bowl of popcorn before so not sure if they'll eat much dinner... which is just junk really - some pizza, some chicken nuggets, party pies and maybe some sausage rolls (if they cook quick enough). Then some ice-cream for dessert.

I WAS going to have them sleep in the loungeroom but that means I can't do anything but stay in my room once they fall asleep... and I'm kinda hoping they give me SOME time to myself, so I've told them they can sleep in another room, and sold the benefits of that (taught them about shadow puppets and truth or dare... lol).

I also told a stranger about my WLS today too - this little girl's mother. She seemed nice, and I mentioned I'd had surgery as the reason why I hadn't done much on the holidays (esp. the start of the holidays) and she later asked what surgery I'd had. She wasn't thin herself, and I often feel that people with a weight problem will perhaps be more understanding. She sounded fine with it - apparently a relative of hers had undergone the surgery in Feb and lost about 40kg already, so it wasn't a bad conversation to have.

She was really nice too... her daughter is 2 days older DD, she had her daughter when she was a year younger than I was... and she even went to my high school (though was 2 years below me so I didn't know her) it seems. Our girls are getting along nicely, so perhaps I can make a friend in this woman. I hope so. I so lack friends. There are GREAT people I talk to online, but they all live too far away... it really sucks. Making a friend would be nice.

I think I need to up my eating, because yesterday I tried to and ate more than usual, and I was 100g lighter this morning. Just 100g, but when I eat the amount I usually eat, I remain the same weight... so I'm thinking that perhaps I need to eat more to lose more. Unfortunately, to get much in I'd have to spend my entire day eating really... which again, wouldn't be good because I often need to sit and rest for a while after eating.

You know when you pig out and you feel a bit sick and just need to rest because your belly is so full? Well, that's what I feel like after eating a lot of the time. Not bursting at the seams exactly, but the sick feeling you have where you have to rest. I'm only eating a tiny amount so I don't think it's that I'm overreating or anything... I think it's just how it is post-sleeve, at least for now.

I've been hunting out recipes too. I'm really eager to eat well. Aktins is good for protein recipes, but they often have ingredients I can't yet have (salad, for example) and are all about keeping things high in fat... so I guess I could make low-fat alternatives to some of their recipes... but I do need to find them again anyway. I got rid of all my Atkins recipes when I stopped Atkins... so need to find the websites again. I remember there was a really good one too.

I guess another bad thing is that the Aktins recipes won't cater to the fact I need to eat soft foods. *sigh*

Guess I'll be trying out savoury mince, chilli con carne, taco mince etc. I wouldn't mind tacos without the shell... but would like to add some lettuce and fresh tomato... maybe putting in baby spinach and some tinned tomato might be okay? God, I don't know. lol. Maybe just cheese and taco mince will have to do.

Might figure out some soft bean recipes too if I can.

Also wanting to try out some fish cakes - at least I can use different dipping sauces for a variety of flavour.

TBH, I just want to eat salad. It sounds so weird. I mean, I'd like bread and pasta too, because I'm a bit of a carb-fan, but mostly salads would help. I would find it much easier if I could have salad.

Hmmm... what about beef stroganoff but with mince? Can you do that? Or finely diced really tender casserole beef?

lol. You can see I'm kind of getting fed up with the lack of variety I have at the moment.

Oh, I took some photos too... firstly, here's my scars and how they've healed about 3.5 weeks on...

You can see there's scar above and either side of my belly button, two on my side closest to the camera and one below but between my breasts. They're healing well, though I think I've got a bit of dissolvable stitch on 2 of them that hasn't dissolved. It's sticking out of the skin a bit. I'll ask my surgeon about it when I see him middle of October if they don't go away by then.

I also took some more progess photos... Grey shirt is yesterday, black top is 3 days into pre-op diet.



I think you can see I've lose some around the middle on my side-on pic. My tummy isn't as big. I'm wearing the same top (but in a diff colour) in both pics and the same skirt too... though it's a bit tight on the pre-op pic, and it's a bit looser on my post-op pic... I have to wear it down on my hips more to fit these days.

Why Protein? (and non-superficial reasons for wanting to lose weight)

Okay, so, I'm getting that some people who read this blog don't really understand that eating post-op is different to eating to lose weight without having had the sleeve.

The dietician has told me - protein first... anything else comes if I still have room. Without protein, my muscles could perhaps be "eaten" by my body and obviously that's not what I need or want. So things like lean meats, low-fat cheese and yoghurt, eggs, etc... they're all what I've got to get into me. It goes against general weight loss plans I know... but it's what I'm required to have apparently.

The first two weeks after my op was more about actually getting SOMETHING in... but I hadn't seen my dietician yet and had to go with what info my surgeon gave me which turned out to be quite different from what my dietician suggested. Week 1 and 2 was low-fat milk, milkshakes, custard (I don't like this so didn't have any), protein shakes, strained soups with no lumps, Up n Go, then things like juice, water, berocca, sports drinks, etc. Just drinks really. That was easy enough to stick to as I couldn't handle anything else really.

After that, I had a pureed diet for 1 week. That was eggs (mashed) or microwavable porridge, pureed tinned fruit, yoghurt (low-fat), blended meat or veg, soups (strained). Add sauce to make some things "wetter" and therefore easier to swallow. She also suggested cruskits with some dip or lite cream cheese... the dip/cream cheese to get it down easier and the cruskit for texture (being crunchy, you get to chew, but as you do, it dissolves).

Then this week, it's called "Minced and Moist," on the handout I have basically says to have mostly protein. I can also have eggs, cheese, mashed veges, soups, toast and all the other things I mentioned above. Most things to be served with gravy or other sauces to help them go down easier.

While most diets tend to say "eat salads," or whatever, you just can't. At this stage, I'm not even allowed to eat fresh fruit and veg.

So what do I eat in a day?

Well, today I ate...

1/2 tub low-fat yoghurt
Some egg on toast
Meatballs (3) made with lean mince and mixed with grated veg baked in passata with a little melted low-fat cheese on top. 
Water, Diet Cordial

I am to eat a maximum of 3/4 cup of food per meal. That's FOR NOW. In future, this amount could grow... but at this stage, that is how much I'm allowed to eat per sitting.

That's all I can really stomach, but I've got to get as much protein in as I can, so I make sure that the majority of what I'm eating is protein. Obviously the toast wasn't high in protein - that was mostly for texture and to get the egg down as I don't like egg on its own.

Anyway, I do hope that this helps some people to understand how this diet works for those who have had the sleeve.

Yes, I have fucked up a few times (with my 3 or so french fries, the brie I munched on and probably some other things too), but if I didn't have an issue with food, then I wouldn't have needed this surgery to begin with.

I've seen my dietician. I'll see her again late October. I see my surgery again mid-October. I plan to organise to see my psychologist again soon - not having food to rely on to self-medicate has meant I'm left with issues I cannot deal with at all... because I don't know how to tackle them without eating them away. So will definitely need help there. I'm waiting until after the school holidays to get a referral from my GP however - I don't want to have DD listen in on that appointment.

There are also other things I haven't posted - like the fact that I am looking forward to being able to do things with my daughter. It's much easier to focus on the superficial benefits... it involves less emotion than to acknowledge that my weight problems have meant that I cannot run around with my daughter when she wants me to. Or that she doesn't get to ride her bike often because I have to walk along behind her, and tire quickly, or get sore feet quickly... or she outrides me and has to stop and wait for me every few seconds... and if I was smaller, I would ride with her but can't because my arse swallows bike seats and they hurt like hell and I can hardly walk after - same reason I have difficulty with the exercise bike.

Also, I will have less risk of having a heart attack - something I could easily have with my current blood pressure problems which are still unmedicated thanks to doctors being reluctant to put me on medication due to my age... and yes, I have seen a few GPs about this and they're all like that. I am on a waiting list for a cardiac scan of some sort too. The less weight I am carrying, the less likely this will be a huge concern for me. Same with diabetes - both maternal grandparents had diabetes and while my blood sugar levels have always been fine, I've always felt it's only a matter of time. I do not want to go blind, or lose my limbs because of diabetes. I don't even want to think about diabetes - I want to be smaller and therefore less at risk of these horrible things, things that run in my family, but things that are more likely if I'm obese.

I want to be able to run. I know that might not be a great idea unless I can find an awesome sports bra, but I want to be able to do it anyway. I want to race my daughter when she tells me to. It's always, "Mum, I'll race you home!" and I always say, "Sorry honey, Mummy can't race..." and I feel like the worst parent ever. She has no siblings to do this shit with - and even I can't do it because I'm too fucking fat.

I just want to live my life and do the things I want to do without having my weight stopping me. Even just small things... I have so many things that I won't do because that's "not something fat people do." So I want to lose weight, to live my life how I want to, not live it according to what I'm restricted to doing. I want to not spend my entire life angry with myself because I'm fatter, or frustrated because I'm losing weight but it means I'm living on rabbit food to do so, or trying some stupid fad diet and wondering what kind of health problems I'm risking by doing it.

I even feel too fat to get a job. I'm embarrassed to apply for jobs, because I'm too scared of going to an interview and being judged for being fat. I want a job so badly... and I keep saying to DP that once I've lost a bit more weight and have my new car, then I will be trying to get a job ASAP.

I don't know WHY I care so much about what others think of me and how I look... I just do, and I hate it. I don't want to care. I don't want to even care what I look like. I don't want worrying about my size to stop me from doing things I want to do - which it does, all the time.

Anyway... I'm rambling, as per usual... but that's my diet, why my diet has to be like that, and also some of my non-superficial reasons for wanting to lose weight.

Hunger, Wanting to be Carefree and Rudeness

95.7kg now.

I'm officially on soft foods, and as if my body knows, I'm now hungry sometimes. Not famished - not how I used to be. Still, a mild hunger is an  interesting feeling after 3 weeks of not feeling like that at all.

I've managed to have some toast, which is nice. Just country split, so only tiny slices, but they're better than nothing. Cheese as well (chewed up well or melted) and I had an egg on my toast earlier. Had some really tender roast lamb last night with a shitload of gravy to help it go down... I managed a small amount of that, and about 5 peas. So, more than before, but still very very little food. Planning on making some meatballs for dinner tonight, so let's see how they go down... well I hope!

Not much is going on in life otherwise - it's school holidays up here though so I've been dealing with DD. She's not been too bad, and we even got her some pet mice the other day. The birds don't like her, and I felt bad for her not having a pet. She has no siblings or anything, so can get kind of lonely. I'd love to get her a dog, but that's not happening for a while yet... so figured mice would be a decent first pet for her. She named them Lila and Little Alana. Once she grows bigger though, apparently Little Alana will just be Alana. lol.

I really need to stop thinking about the sleeve and just get into my uni this unit. I've been slacking off and really need to start doing some work.

Oh - I did take DD to Underwater World and the beach nearby on Saturday... but I didn't go swimming. I don't have any swimwear, and while sitting on the sand watching everyone else, I'm not sure I would want to be in swimwear when surrounded by all those skinny tanned girls in their bikinis. I looked beyond them though, and noticed plenty of BIGGER people who didn't give 2 shits about the fact that they were bigger and just enjoyed their time. I think I need to be one of those people. One of those who doesn't give a shit and just gets on with it.

Otherwise the holidays have been fairly plain... I guess partly due to my recovery. Obviously that's fairly cleared up now but still tired a lot of the time. Also hard when I have little money.

The neighbour is giving me the shits though. She's SMSed me 3 times these holidays asking me if I could have her child stay overnight. Seriously, in what world is it good manners to invite your kid over? I would never do that - if DD wants to play with someone they can be invited over here... she's not inviting herself over. I'm really getting annoyed with it. All messages are the same, saying her kid wants to come over. Well, that's great, but I'm not a free babysitting service. If you kid wants to play, invite DD over. If I want your child to come over, I'll invite her. Don't get an invite? Then it means I'm not in the mood.

Anyway, this neighbour wanted me to have her kid overnight 2 nights before my surgery, and then 2 weeks post-op... and really, I was recovering and the last thing I wanted was to babysit. It sucks because they use hte same bus stop to go to school so it's not even like I can tell her to back off... cos I'll still have to see her. *groan*

She's nice, but irritating. I just don't like people without manners, and I'm not sure she has any really. Or, maybe, she just has different ones to me. Regardless, I find it rude to ask someone if they can have your kid over...

Just a bit of a rant really - since she did it today.

Hoping weight loss will continue... but let's just see...

Dropping a Dress Size, French Fries and Bye-Bye Binges

Today: 96.5kg. I've been this weight for a few days now, so I think my body has realised that food intake is going to continue to be quite low, so it's adjusted. I hear this is natural, so I'm not too concerned. I am eating a little more now too, so that probably doesn't help. I suspect once I get into more solid foods (soft foods begin on Monday) then things might change again as my body will be able to readjust.

Anyway, I took a few measurements to see how things are progressing on that front... I didn't do the full measurements, just some of them. So today...

Bust - 110.5cm (10cm lost in total)
Waist - 95.5cm (6cm lost in total)
Hips - 117.5cm (8cm lost in total)

Left Thigh - 68.5cm (7.5cm lost in total)
Right Thight - 67.5cm (6.5cm lost in total)

So the cms are coming off which is obviously a positive sign for me.
This is even evident in my dress size - given that I shop at City Chic pretty much exclusively, I think I can say that I HAVE dropped a dress size. Well, losing over 10kg generally does result in that. So I've gone from a S, to an XS. I wouldn't imagine I'm an XS in pants or skirts though - I still have a big fat arse to account for.

Anyway, I did say I got a new dress and would share a pic, so here you go...

So that's an XS, and is a little baggy around the waist but I LOVED this dress and figure I can get a red belt to nip it in if I need to. The fact that I have big boobs means I can fill the top of the dress out nicely, so it doesn't look too baggy there anyway. I'd love a little thin red patent belt with a bow on the front... but let's just see.

I actually tried some REAL food the other day too. 4 french fries. I know I shouldn't have... but I was at a food court and hadn't prepared ahead (because I'm an idiot), and DD was eating some McDonalds for her lunch... so I stole a few. I chewed them up until they were mush... and suprisingly, they've been the only things I've eaten lately that haven't made me feel sick afterwards. Still though, they don't taste that great. No food does. It's really quite disappointing that nothing tastes good anymore. Things might taste okay, but mostly everything seems much stronger in flavour and not at all enjoyable.

I'd really like a salad. I'd LOVE to go to Sumo Salad and get the Low GI chicken one (whatever it's called) because it's yummy, but of course that's still a while away yet. For now, I'm living on stuff I'd rather not have to eat. I eat the tiniest amounts... though I am eating a little more lately. Still, only about 3-4 teaspoons in a sitting. It's quite odd compared to the massive amounts I used shovel into my mouth... my plate looks pathetic, with the smallest serving you've ever seen... and it's even weirder when I cannot finish it.

I've been told to eat until I'm full but I'm yet to figure out what "full" feels like with the sleeve. I feel a bit sick after eating everything, so I think I tend to finish before I'm full, just because of the nausea. I'm hoping the nausea will go away though, and that food will eventually taste good again. After all, that's one reason I chose the sleeve - I want to still be able to enjoy nice foods, just not be able to eat my serving and then some. I want to eat nice foods in small quantities... so it will suck if I find I just don't find food very nice anymore.

Wow, how woe is me. "Oh, poor me, I'm losing weight." lol. Yeah, I'm happy about the weight loss, I just like to complain... and right now, it's about the fact that food sucks and I can't eat anything tasty. I will admit to having a tiny bit of brie too. There's no "brie" on any of my food lists, so I figured it's quite smooth and therefore decided it was a puree. I didn't eat the white outer part... just the cheesy bit on the inside. The outer part didn't seem like it'd be puree-diet friendly, so I cut that part off. It was reduced-fat brie... and I keep that in mind when I start thinking I was naughty. Seriously, I eat next to nothing, I don't think a tiny bit of fatty brie would make much difference, but I should start eating better regardless, hence it being reduced fat brie instead of full fat.

I also drink reduced fat milk and strangely it doesn't taste weird anymore. I've always found it to taste like it's had weetbix sitting in it. I know that sounds weird, but that's how it's tasted in the past. Now my lite milk just tastes like normal milk... so I'm quite okay with that.

I think I look healthier too. My face does anyway. I think it looks thinner and even more radiant perhaps? It's really quite unexpected as you'd think not eating much would have me looking ill and weak and dull... but I don't think so. I've got make-up on right now, but even without make-up I think I look healthier.

From time-to-time I feel a bit, "Why did I do this to myself?!" but I think a lot of that is not having food to turn to anymore. There's been a few times when I've wanted to binge eat to comfort myself, but I can't... and I think those are the times I regret getting the sleeve... but later, I realise THANK HEAVENS I have the sleeve or else how many calories would I have consumed in that moment of upset?

It's strange, but I don't even care about weight loss right at this very minute - the main thing I want is to be able to eat normally again. Well, normal foods anyway. Not normally as in being able to pig out. I long for a cheese and tomato sandwich on grainy bread, and a salad. Healthy foods. Yummy healthy foods.

I also kind of miss coke... I was a bit of a coke addict pre-op... so not having it in so long is a bit weird. I have no idea how long it'll take before I can have a sip or two of fizzy drinks though, so I'll just keep avoiding it until I'm WELL into normal foods.

ANYWAY... rambling on and on. I hope that someone finds this one day and finds some comfort in knowing they're not alone. I've been trawling blogs looking to see if people have been the same as I am at this stage... lots have, so that's comforting. Others seem to enjoy the puree stage... ew.

Cruskit Heaven, nearly 10 down and Ignoring Cellulite-Covered Thighs

I'm not supposed to eat them until Monday... but there's not a massive difference between now and Monday and I'm pretty much a huge cheater when it comes to diet plans... so I had a CRUSKIT with PHILLY (the chive one) on it today! OMG REAL FOOD!

It's not just any crackers I'm allowed, but cruskits specifically cos they dissolve in your mouth... but it tasted fantastic. I am so thrilled to have eaten something that wasn't pure liquid.

Last night for dinner I blended up some bolognaise sauce as much as I possibly could and sprinkled some grated cheese on top... and that was heaven as well. Of course I managed only about 1/4 (less than, because I didn't eat all of it) but it was amazing. I pretended I was eating actual pasta bolognaise... and it really helped me.

This liquid stage, and the mushy/puree stage too, is shit. The mushy stage I know is going to be shit because it's pretty much the same as this stage with a few extras... so all in all, shit. I'm not a baby - I don't like my food blended to death so it looks like something a 6-month-old can eat. BUT it's a necessary part of this all I suppose so suck it up I shall... and will get by by having my cruskits. lol.

Had some visitors today and I was told that it was really obvious I've lost weight. This is by someone who rarely offers compliments, so I was quite happy with that. I've lost a fair bit - well, for a skinny person. For me, it's only really a small amount, but it's still GOOD. Today I'm weighing in at 97.8kg... so 600g and I'll be 10kg lighter than I was when I started my pre-op diet. WOOT! So almost 10kg in almost 4 weeks.

I'll have to join a gym soon too. Not JUST yet - I don't feel physically up to it and want to wait until I'm at least on soft foods first. Just wandering around the shop today has me exhausted... I think I need to be able to get more food in before I hit the gym just so I don't collapse.

Speaking of shopping today, I got myself a new dress... at City Chic of course. I WILL update with a photo I promise, but my phone couldn't get it properly against the dark curtains of the dressing room. I also took a photo of me in swimwear though... which I CAN show because you can actually see it... but beware my thighs. I didn't get this bathing suit because I didn't want to risk being too small for it come ACTUAL Summer... but if I can fit into it as it gets warmer still, I will go back. Despite my heavily dimpled thighs. I'll just ignore them and pretend they don't exist. lol.

It's an XS. I could have probably gone a S, but obviously I don't want to go bigger... I'd rather go smaller. It's $100 but the cutest swimwear I've ever found that fits my boobs. I'm quite fond of it, so if I DO manage to fit into it closer to Summer, I'll go buy it.

Right now, munching on another cruskit. I just had to go back for another! lol. Considering they're mostly air, I'm able to eat it easily... thank god.

Nanna-Napping, Goal Weights and Belonging in a Vintage Photograph...

So this morning I weigh in at 98.3kg. That's nearly 9kg down since I started pre-op so that's pretty good.

I saw my dietician yesterday for the first time as well - she was lovely. Most people I have spoken to about my surgery have been either negative or supportive but not exactly positive - but she was really positive about it all and it made me feel quite glad about my decision. I think I rely too much on other people and their opinions, but regardless it was nice to have some positivity from someone else. She asked why I decided to, and after saying a few reasons, I added, "I didn't want to be 40, 50kg heavier and wish I'd done it back when I was in my 20s and thinking about it." She thought that was great, as she said most of her sleeve clients are older than I am and say just that - they wished they'd gotten it done earlier in life.

I also got a more specific run-down of how my foods will go, rather than the generic plan my surgeon gave me. Basically, until Monday (so 2 weeks post-op) I'm on full liquids. This means custards, milks, soups, juice, etc etc. Anything liquidy. I can have yoghurt too, even if it's not exactly drinking yoghurt because it's pretty much liquid... I just have to remove any fruit pieces in it (which I don't like anyway).

Then, from Monday until the next Monday (so from week 2 until week 3 post-op) I'll be purees. I can add some soggy weetbix (which is how I like them anyway), porridge, mashed veges, etc. She also added I can have CRUSKITS (yay!) because although they're crunchy, they dissolve... so as long as I have them with a moist topping (mashed avo/low fat cream cheese/etc) then I can have those too.

THEN, from week 3 onwards, I can have what she called a "fork mashable diet," which means if I can mash it with a fork, I can eat it. So things like mashed potato (and similar), lasagne, baked beans, really wet risotto, mince, tinned fruit, etc. I'm SO hanging out for this stage... I'm not even hungry but I still get bored with what I'm eating. There's nothing appetising about liquids over and over again.

I am eating more though now. Well, kinda. I think drinks go down a lot easier anyway. Food consumption is still fairly limited. So far today I've only had 1/2 tub yoghurt. For the whole day. I'll have something around dinner time... I dunno what yet.

I've also been given a goal weight - 77kg. The dietician had some sort of formula she used to work that out, saying that BMI was nonsense and not always the way to make goals anyway because they can be really hard to achieve. I think 77kg will be relatively easy, and I think I can go beyond that. I'd like to get into the 60s. Even just 68 would be fine, but in the 60s. I have no idea what I look like at that weight though, so I'll have to see. The dietician did like that I don't have a goal in mind as well - saying that it's a good idea not to bother with goals really... especially if you don't know what a good weight for you is (which I don't).

Mum's gone home this afternoon as well, so now I have to take care of DD on my own again. Already she's testing my patience with her complaining and nagging, but I don't think she realises I'm just not in the mood for it. I'm finding myself very tired very easily, so I'm not going to waste time arguing - I'll just raise my voice and that will be that. I went for a short wander from one end of a shopping centre yesterday, to the other, and came home and needed a nap. Seriously, it sounds do lazy, but I think my body just lacks the fuel input it needs to manage that sort of thing right now. Hopefully once I get on more solid food, I'll be better in the energy department. It's then that I'll start looking at joining a gym.

I want a bike too. Not a motorbike, but a pushbike. A nice one that looks kinda retro... I've chosen one that I could probably manage to afford, and that I think looks lovely...

It's so sexy. For a bike. lol. I can imagine me on this, with some wayfarers and a nice sundress... maybe some canvas flats... oh how vintage I will look. lol.

Also wanting to dye my hair back to a brown for Summer... might have to go into the salon for that though, as stripping it of the black might be a task. Maybe I'll go for something lighter than more summery than my natural brown... a little bit more golden than usual.

I also hope to get myself a car soon... and then, after that, a job. I really need one of those. I'm SO BORED at home and yes I'm doing uni, but I'd rather do that part-time and work part-time as well. It's too boring sitting at home all day by myself... and even weirder to not occupy myself with food anymore. Now it's just me and a glass of water or milk... not a bag of chips or a few sandwiches. 

My Sleeve Story...

Okay, so time for my long-winded surgical tale...

Monday came and I was VERY thirsty... I wasn't allowed to drink. I was to arrive at hospital at 12, and so sometime afterwards have my surgery. I had all my things packed, and Mum came and got my daughter and myself, and our luggage, and off to hospital we went. Mum was intending to wait with me, but I know my daughter and KNEW she would whinge and complain and just be a general pain in the bum if she was forced to wait... so I sent them home. I'd rather just wait by myself, without being nagged at, without everyone else being bored, and read my book on my own, in peace.

Well, I waited in the first waiting room for all of about 10 minutes, before being called over to pay (the gap fee of my PHI of $400, plus $75 for my 3-night-stay... this covers internet/Foxtel while you're in there and you have to pay it regardless). I was then taken into another waiting room. Then another. Then, not too long of a wait afterwards, taken into a little curtained-off room with a bed and TV where I dressed in my beautiful (lol) gown and paper undies... put on some compression stockings (more like knee-length socks) and some little paper booties. I just waited. And waited. Watched Grey's Anatomy on TV... it was an episode about a killer running through the hospital wanting to shoot surgeons... or McDreamy more specifically. Later, I watched Oprah... where Jennifer Hudson talked about her weight loss of 80lbs. I found it amusing that the only 2 things I watched on TV were about hospitals and weight loss... 2 things that were relevant to my situation at the time.

Eventually, I was taken to the anesthetist room thingy. I dunno what they call it. The room before the theatre. My anesthetist was friendly and joking when I had met him earlier in the room where I watched TV... but now seemed irritated. Apparently the people using the theatre before us had taken too long... he had probably been waiting for a while, unpaid, and was frustrated as a result. Regardless, he was still nice... just not as friendly as earlier. He had difficulty getting a vein, something that always happens with me. When I asked why it was that some veins were difficult to find he mouthed, "fat." He then said, "Oh... I'm not saying you're fat..." and I responded with, "Dude, I'm about to go into surgery BECAUSE I'm fat, so it's okay..." lol.

Well, I waited in there for a while, drip in my arm, and I was wheeled into theatre at about 2.30pm. Underneath me I had a weird blow-up thing. It was kind of like a blow-up mattress... they blew it up with me on it, which was a very strange feeling, then pulled me to the table and deflated it. I really can't remember drifting off. I remember the anesthetist saying something about how he should probably give me something... but that's about it. I guess I drifted off about then.

I awoke in recovery in intense pain. I couldn't open my eyes (like when you're so tired you cannot keep them open) so flicked them open occasionally just to get a sense for where I was. I writhed in pain. I rolled around moaning. I'm not one to draw attention to myself IRL (believe it or not) and so rolling around moaning (loudly) in pain must have meant I was in quite a bit of pain. I was given something (I heard them saying they were going to give me something) and it calmed down a little... and I vomited on myself. I think I peed myself a little as well. Lovely eh? lol. I still had my eyes closed but felt them changing me... cutting my paper undies off, and re-dressing me in a gown. I was asked to next time aim for a spew bag... and I HAD... I just obviously sucked at it. There was no next time anyway.

The pain soon started up again though, and it was dreadful... rolling around moaning once more. I was asked to be quiet, and while I heard their requests I didn't care one bit what they said... it wasn't exactly a voluntary thing, but something I was doing without thought. I was then given another drug... something I was later told was a street drug (though I imagine the street versions are less clean) called ketamine. Google has since told me it's called "Special K," when it's not used medicinally. Anyway, it made me hallucinate. It was WEIRD. You know weird art films where it's just random clips of STUFF? Well, that's what I saw. It felt like I was watching some weird art film. There were also swirls and stuff... seriously. Kind of like the video Mugatu shows Zoolander to brainwash him... it was like that really. Every now and again I'd flick back to reality for a second or two... and then back to weird visions. I have no idea why anyone would voluntarily take a drug that does that, I didn't find the experience pleasant at all... interesting, but not enjoyable. It did seem to help with pain though.

I was about to be wheeled to the ward, when my blood pressure was checked and considered high. My anesthetist was called and the doctors were instructed to give me some sort of medication to lower my BP. It had to be under 160 (the top number). After about 3 shots, my BP was approx 126/85 which is REALLY low for me. As I've mentioned here before, I've been as high as 200/120. Anyway, I was moved back to my room about 8pm.

I was kind of out of it, but my mother and my daughter were there waiting for me in my room and I tried to make small conversation. My daughter was acting really weird... she was smiling at me a lot, but I think she was a little concerned and didn't know what to react. I had oxygen tubes up pointing up my nose and a drip in my hand... and was generally just kind of drowsy so I'm sure she was a little scared/worried. I tried to let her know that I was fine, and she kept telling me she loved me and missed me. She brought me flowers too - darling little thing, and a picture she'd drawn for me. She is so beautiful.

That first night, I did not sleep. I couldn't. Not that I could have anyway - I got my BP, blood oxygen levels and temperature taken hourly. I also had to buzz the nurses to help me go to the toilet, because my drip was always plugged into the wall. The stupid thing had a faulty battery though, so it wouldn't last a trip to the toilet unplugged, and an alarm would go off (this was remedied overnight on the 3rd night).

That next morning, I had a visit from Dr Greenslade and he told me that while I'd be brought jelly and similar, I shouldn't have any of it, and instead just focus on water until the next day. I spend much of this day trying to sleep, but it was hard as I could only lay on my back and both my back and my bum were getting really uncomfortable. I was in a little bit of pain, and still had the PCA (a button I could press for pain-relief) and a drip in to give me fluids.

That night was much the same - no sleep. I tried... but it wasn't really successful.

The following day was pretty much the same, but I did have some sustagen (about a sip or two) and some apple juice, as well as water. Again, nothing particularly special happened this day, though I did sleep a lot (though not heavily) for short bursts of an hour or so. I woke up sweating, which wasn't exactly fun.

My 3rd day was thursday, and that's when I went home. I recieved another visit from Dr Greenslade that morning, who told me that I'd been sleeping the day before when he visited and he couldn't bare to wake me. He said I would be fine to go home that day... so a little after midday, I left and went home.

Right now it's a week since I had my surgery, and I am able to eat a little more, and move more freely. The pain is still there though - but mostly, I am bothered by itching wounds. They're healing, and so quite itchy. Here they are a few days ago...

I had 5 wounds, no tubes. A little bit of oozing apparently (you can probably see the evidence of that the most on the wound near my belly button).

Yesterday, I managed to eat the most I've eaten since I've had my operation... about 1/3 small jar of baby food, 1/2 an Up&Go and about 1 tsp scrambled egg. It's seriously minimal, but I am drinking a lot (as much as I can) during the day as well. I'm not really on any pain killers either, though I sometimes take something before bed (though as it's either crushed or dissolved, it tastes like crap so I like to avoid it... lol).

Today, I'm also 98.9kg. Under 100! Woohoo! I decided to take some photos to see if there is any difference between today and upon starting Opti-fast...

I think there may be a SLIGHT difference. I also have no bra on in the photos taken today, so that probably doesn't help. Maybe my middle is a tiny bit smaller... not much though. Still, I want to take photos weekly if I remember just to track any progress. This will be a big journey for me so I might as well document it properly.

Quick Update - HOME NOW!

Home again, and not dead!

I will give everyone details as soon as I'm feeling a little better and more up to the long task of covering my entire hospital stay. Yep. All of it. All of the boring/gory details. I'll try to find some nice wound photos too (ew...lol). Apparently they look a bit like bullet wounds.

Just wanted to update everyone who reads this - just to say I'm safe at home, weak but well and will give you all a long post soon!

Sleeve Surgery Tomorrow

One more sleep.

Tomorrow I'll be having my surgery. I'll go in at 12, midday, so my surgery will obviously take place in the 2nd half of the day. I met a lovely woman on the sleeve forum who's having her surgery same day as me, same place, same surgeon, so I'll have someone to talk to in there who's going through the same thing, which will obviously bring some comfort.

Anyway, figured I'd do another one of these, pre-op...

Current Weight: 102.5kg (as of 4th Sept 2011, first thing after I woke up) 4.7kg lost

Bust: 115.5cm 5cm lost
Under Bust: 95.5cm 4.5cm lost
Waist: 97cm 4.5cm lost
Hips: 123.5cm 2cm lost

Neck: 38cm 0.5cm lost

Left Wrist: 18.5cm 1cm lost
Right Wrist: 18.5cm 0.5cm lost

Left Forearm (fullest part): 31cm 0cm lost
Right Forearm (fullest part): 30cm 0cm lost
Left Upper Arm (fullest part): 41cm 1cm lost
Right Upper Arm (fullest part): 40.5cm 0.5cm lost
Left Ankle: 28cm 1cm lost
Right Ankle: 27cm 1cm lost
Left Calf (fullest part): 46cm 3cm lost
Right Calf (fullest part): 45.5cm 2cm lost
Left Thigh (fullest part): 73cm 3cm lost
Right Thigh (fullest part): 72.5cm 1.5cm lost
So looks like I've lost some cms too, which is cool.

Am feeling really weird... like quite full of emotions. Not sure which ones exactly, but I do know I'm anxious. I have an anxiety disorder anyway, and luckily I'm on medication or else this feeling would no doubt be worse, but I just feel on edge... much like I do before a panic attack. I bet my BP is really high too...

I'm having a bit of a cry now... so that's nice. lol. Not really, it's quite lame... but I think I've got a build up of emotions, and my partner won't be here tomorrow because he's working away... so I've got nobody to comfort me. I kind of need someone to hug me and tell me I'll be fine tomorrow... and then I feel like I need him there tomorrow as well, so it just kinda sucks.

Anyway... I'll update this as soon as I can... it may be in hospital, it may be after I get home...

Thanks to everyone who has supported me thus far... I'll be needing support post-op too I'm sure, and I'll be here, telling you all about everything, just as have been...

Stacey  xx

Short and Sweet...

102.5kg this morning.

That is all.

THREE FREAKING DAYS!

3 sleeps. 3 sleeps until my surgery.

Wow.

3 freaking sleeps. That's NOTHING. NO TIME.

I plan to spend my Saturday with DD, having a girls night (no junk involved for me - maybe a little popcorn for her)... and Sunday cleaning the house making sure it's nice for when I come home from hospital.

Am I scared? I don't even know the answer to that. Yes, no, maybe? It's got to be one of those but I'm just not sure. Right now I'm tired - I've finished my last assessment item for this study period, and on this diet I'm tired. Just exhausted really. I even commented to my neighbour the doctor must have thought I looked like crap (she hinted that I looked unwell), and my neighbour confirmed it... lol. I wasn't offended as she knows I'm on the pre-op diet and puts it down to that. But yeah, I look like shit apparently, which kinda sucks.

I'm not sure what I'll make for dinner tonight, but I think it'll have something to do with chicken. Might as well - I've got it out to make honey mustard chicken for DD. I wish I could have a big steak. I don't even eat steak often, but when I feel lethargic, I do enjoy a steak because it seems to give me some energy and make me feel better. I could probably have a lean steak, but a tiny one, and that'd make me want more, so I'd rather just avoid it altogether.

Thanks to everyone who's sent me well-wishes about my surgery on Monday. I really appreciate knowing that people that have never even met me care.