Life is Beautiful and a pic of how much stomach is actually removed during the op!

Okay, so I promised to update about the 5 Day Pouch Test that I was planning to do... but the day after my blog post, I got on the scales and FREAKED. I was 74.something kg and I was TOTALLY not happy with that. It was clearly the result of eating too much chocolate and drinking my calories away with numerous sugary drinks, as I previously mentioned... so I knew I had to do something RIGHT AWAY.

I didn't have the cash or time to go out and buy a whole lot of protein-heavy items to do the pouch test, so I just replaced all sugary drinks with water, ate more lean protein, had fruit and veg instead of other snacks, and lowered my carb intake altogether. Well, it worked well. I was back at 71kg after a few days.

Right now I have no idea what I am, I haven't weighed for a while, but my guess is pretty much the same as it was when last I weighed.

In other news... I have a job! I've been applying for every damn beauty job I could realistically take, and in one day, while sitting around waiting for a wax and a tan (for a fellow student to perform on me, as practice, at her new job), I logged onto the Seek App and applied for some others. While I was waiting I got a phonecall for a job interview, and then later an eMail requested a job interview the next day.

I never made it to the 2nd interview, because I got the first job I interviewed for. I was really happy, because now I'm working at a day spa, rather than just a salon. It sounds more prestigious I suppose, but it's mostly that the focus is different. Spas have to offer hydrotherapy treatments to be labelled as such, which mine does, but they tend to offer more pampering treatments, than results-driven salons, and that's what I prefer. I had my first 2 clients on Saturday, doing two 60min full body Swedish massages, and I have another client booked in tomorrow for a few different treatments as well. I'm kind of spending a lot of time on reception too, just getting a feel for the place (I was on reception all day today), but I'm loving it already!

I also passed my diploma, and am officially qualified as a beauty therapist now. I've also done some make-up work for a girl in a band... I can't post photos here, because she hasn't released me to do so... but by god do I wish I could! It was very exciting to be involved in a professional photo shoot with a photographer and a studio and such... with the photos now being made into band posters, that are already being sold, but will continue to be sold next year when the band supports Wolfmother!

We also had our graduation party on the weekend, and while I'm still not terribly confident on my own, I'm more confident than I used to be before the sleeve... and when that increased confidence is combined with alcohol... well, let's just say I was gangnam-dancing my backside off in front of EVERYONE and even allowing myself to be recorded doing it. lol. I had a great time, but I was also really impressed with some of the photos...

That last one reminded me of a pose I did in another photo last year, pre-sleeve... so I combined it to see the difference. And yes, I wore my wig for some of the night. I brought it along, and of course, as the night wore on, people told me to put it on... and eventually, others tried on the wig too... while completely drunk... so that made for quite an amusing activity. lol. It also meant some lovely photos of me in my wig-cap...

Previously, photos (and videos) taken of me doing stupid stuff would be something that brought great horror and dread. Now I don't even care that there's a video of me somewhere on Facebook dancing Gangnam Style with a wig on. People are likely to judge and laugh and mock, sure, but it seems to matter less when you don't really care what they think anymore. There will be times when I'm feeling a little bit down and therefore touchy and hurt by this kind of thing, but it's MUCH LESS frequent than it was pre-sleeve. I think the fact that I know that it's unlikely they're laughing at me because I'm fat makes things easier. I'm not skinny, I know that, and I never expect to be... but I still find great comfort in the fact that "fat" is probably not one of the first words that comes to mind when people think of ways to describe me.

Life has just improved dramatically since I've had the sleeve. I've gained a qualification, gotten a job, made a lot of great friends, gained a social life... and while of course it's not directly linked to the sleeve, weight loss has allowed me to do it all, which is the result of the sleeve. I wouldn't have done my course if I hadn't have lost weight - the idea of getting body wraps at over 100kg was too much for me, which is why I never did it sooner. Making friends sucked when you knew they were all gorgeous beauties and you'd just be "the fat friend." Plus, it's hard to want to go out and be social when you know random people would be watching, laughing at "that fat girl," doing whatever it is you're doing. Getting a job is harder too... partly because people are judgemental about size, but also because you're too busy being paranoid that they're going to judge you based on that, so you don't bother based on the fear of facing that. 

And... I know this totally doesn't fit into the post, but I had to share it. It's not MY STOMACH... it's the stomach of a sleever friend, that she gave permission for me to share here. Basically, it's the portion of her stomach that was removed. It's filled with air, which is why it's looks so solid, and not all soft and squishy, but it did WOW me to see just much stomach is removed. Every sleever will have a similar amount removed, even if not exactly the same.

Now it makes it obvious why I can eat so little, and why I used to be able to eat so much. That's a LOT of stomach they've removed!

Weight loss stand-still, Swimwear shopping and the 5 Day Pouch Test

I'm still sitting at the same weight, but I think I know why.

Well, one big fat reason would be that I've pretty much ceased exercise for now. I'm almost at the end of my course and so I've been doing lots of assignments and guide books, which is occupied a lot of my free time. I'm also preparing for practical assessment which begins this week. I'm confident I'll easily pass Spa Treatments (body wraps, etc), Diathermy (using electrically-charged needles to cauterize spider veins), Body Treatments (mostly electronic body treatments... like EMS/body faradic to tone muscles, body galvanic to fight cellulite, etc) and Microdermabrasion, but am a bit worried about Hot Stone Therapy Massage and Indian Head Massage because I've got to remember the routine off by heart, and my brain isn't one that likes to remember things. So been trying to get it to remember that.

Apart from pretty much abandoning exercise for now, I've realised I can drink soft drink and am being terrible and drinking it. I really need to stop, but find it very hard to, especially as it's getting hotter and everyone keeps offering it to me. So, that's another plan - to kick that by Christmas time. I don't care if I have the occasional soft drink, but I am drinking it too often. Still only maybe twice weekly, but that's more than I need it.

Obviously, the fact that I am so close to a healthy weight doesn't help either. My body is struggling, and wanting to cling to those last remaining kilos for dear life, so I know I'm going to absolutely work my butt off to get rid of them... and I guess that right now, I'm just not up to doing that. So long as I maintain though, and not regain, I should be okay.

Anyway, despite having lost 36kg on this journey, sometimes shopping is still... well... horrible. It's not the being fat that bothers me, it's the loose skin. The sagging, loose skin. It's particularly terrible on my inner thighs. Yes, my stomach is hideous and my arms aren't nice, but I'm okay with that. My arms don't bother me too much, and my stomach is something that was destroyed the moment I became a mother thanks to a big baby and lots of stretchmarks, so I gave up the hope for a decent stomach long ago. It's hot legs that I wanted, but unfortunately, the insides of them are just so incredibly saggy that they ruin my mood. Thus, shopping for swimwear was... well... somewhat torturous.

Add to that my boobs. They have shrunk in size (they're not and kind of "empty" now too), yet because they didn't lose as much as my back did, I'm a bigger cup size. Back before I lost weight, my bra size would have been a 20E. If you chopped off my breasts as they are right now, and put them back on my old body, I'd be a 20D... so I'd still have lost 2 cup sizes... but with a much smaller back size, they're now a 12FF. Which just... well, it's just not compatible with most swimwear.

We headed to the beach a few weeks ago though, and I knew I had to find something the day before. I was so fortunate to find that Bras n Things had a sale on. I wasn't hoping to find anything in a 12FF, but I wanted something that was decent enough to squish myself into. I can't do department store swimwear... and I was thinking I'd have to end up buying internationally online from Bravissimo.

Instead, I scored some swimwear which I could sort of squish my boobs into - a 12E bikini top and a little skirted bottom to cover my saggy thighs! YAY!

Last year I actually got some swimwear that I'm sure I posted about too. This is pretty much the same deal, in reverse, and instead of a tankini it's simply a bikini that I'll wear with a tight black singlet to cover my stomach. I thought it might be fun to compare last year to this year...

Last year's swimwear....

This year's swimwear.

See? Pretty much the same (spots in reverse). I wanted a red and white style instead, but they didn't have a top I could squish into in stock, and I needed it immediately, so just went with black and white instead. I don't think I actually look that much smaller than last year, but I suppose that's maybe 10-15kg lighter between the two.

And just because I found it while adding those photos... I found another picture of swimwear I was going to originally get... and I think this one shows a greater difference between my previous size and my current one...

I also have another pic I want to share, because... well, because I love my new purchase. lol. I purchased a wig, mostly to see how I looked with lighter hair. I want to go light brown, but was unsure how it would look, and I know it's going to cost me a lot of money to get my hair from where it is now to a light brown... and I figured I'd just see how I actually looked with that colour first. Ordered a wig online, made from kanekalon which is apparently a good synthetic fibre because it doesn't give off that Barbie shine that other synthetic wigs do. It was super cheap, but I am just in love with it. I haven't worn it anywhere, and I look like an utter bimbo in it, but oneday I'll work up the nerve to go out in it.

So... I think once my hair gets longer again, I'm going light brown.

In other news, since hitting the 12 month post-op mark, I've been able to eat much more. Not in a sitting so much as... snacking. I can snack all day long... just snack in tiny little bits... I try to avoid it, but sometimes, I just do it. Old habits die hard, I suppose. The restriction is just less these days. It's still there - I still couldn't eat what a normal person could, not a chance... but I can eat way more than I could in the first few months.

A fellow sleever shared this with me - a 5 day pouch test. Apparently it can show you that you still have restriction. You basically do a 5-day restrictive eating thing, and by the end of it, your restriction somewhat reappears. A sleever friend has done it, and says it works... and it's only 5 days. After re-feeding myself for 6 weeks post-op, I think 5 days will be a simple slog, so I'm going to give it a go. The aim is to start next Monday... so Monday and Tuesday I can be on liquids, at home, to make life easier.

The 5 Day Pouch Test can be found here, for anyone interested: http://www.5daypouchtest.com/plan/theplan.html

I'll update during/after I've done it, to let you all know my experiences with it. If it does nothing, well, it's no real loss, and as most of it is pretty much protein, it may help kickstart a little more weightloss. Who knows?

Foods I can no longer eat

I run a small sleever group on FB, and one of the questions that potential sleevers ask is what foods they'll be permanently giving up. I decided that I'd update, with a list of things I can't eat, how they make me feel, etc.

 Before I begin, PLEASE NOTE that it does vary from individual to individual. I'm simply sharing my own experiences with foods over a year after the operation. Things may change again for me, and they may be different for you... this is simply my experience.

KFC chicken - this makes me so ill. It's probably all the oil and fats involved, but every single time I attempt it (not often, but I have tried it a few times post-op, when others are eating it), I either spew, or really really want to spew. It's a no-go takeaway for me as a result.

Burgers - I can eat these, sort of, but I have to make sure they're quite a dry patty, not one full of grease and fats. Eating the meat portion on its own, or with a salad, would be great... but the actual bun-over-meat thing is something I can't manage. I don't find that bread and meat go together well for me, they make my stomach churn, but I've found that rolls in general are the issue.

Bread Rolls - Much too big for me, but even when I've attempted only a small portion, I find I feel a bit sickly. I have successfully eaten bread rolls (or portions of) before, but there's been more bad experiences with rolls than good.

Cream Sauces - I can have cream sauces, but I really have to limit the amount. Very creamy foods make me stomach churn and make me feel quite ill. I have still had, for example, caesar dressing or a little bit of cream sauce on something, but I really have to only have a very small amount or feel ill.

Hot Chips - Look, I can eat these just fine, but you fill up on about 3 of them. They're junky and not offering you any nutrition, so they're best avoided. Occasionally I'll steal a chip from someone else, but they're something I will never have much of again.

Pastry - I can maybe have a tiny nibble of pastry, but I can't handle much. If I'm faced with a pastry food, I try to eat the middle out of it (for example, the inside of a pie, or the inside of a quiche). Mostly, I just never order these foods (but sometimes, other people serve you up something with pastry... and I'd feel rude just saying "no," to it outright, so I work around the pastry).

McDonalds - I could have nuggets easily enough, but I'm not really a nuggets fan. Previously if the family had decided upon McDonalds for lunch, I would get a Grand Angus burger, take off the top of the bun, have no sauces on it, and eat about 1/2 of it that way. Now they've changed the patty and it's quite soft and oily, and there's no way I can manage it. I try to avoid McDonalds anyway, but at times when you're out and your choices are limited, I was glad I had a burger (the Angus patties used to be quite dry, rather than oily, and were a good hit of protein).

Soft Drink - I CAN have soft drink, but it's only a very recent development. I spent the first year after my surgery not having soft drink as the bloating it causes felt really uncomfortable. Now I can have it if I'm out, but I do drink it quite slowly, and it usually goes quite flat before I'm done with my glass.

Kangaroo Steaks - I can do kangaroo MINCE just fine, but the steaks sit very heavily in my belly and make me feel uncomfortable. They're so good for you, so lean and high in protein, so I'm quite disappointed in this one, but I can manage beef steaks so I just use those instead. 

Now, as you can see, it's mostly unhealthy foods that I can't eat. Being told that I could never ever eat these foods again would have made me freak out pre-op. The thing is though, it's very easy to avoid unhealthy foods if they also make you sick each time you eat them.

I try to eat healthily anyway, so the loss of the above is not a big deal, though there are times when I'd like a nice salad roll or even just a hot pie while I'm spending the day at the markets or something... and it can be quite annoying when someone makes you a meal and you find that if you eat it, you're likely to throw up or feel quite sick in the tummy... but again, it's a sacrifice you have to make if you want to lose. I expect that if I had lost my weight without the sleeve, it'd be really important to avoid all of these foods anyway to maintain my loss... and the sleeve actually does make avoiding them a lot easier.

So what can I eat? Most things. The above is really only a very small list of foods I have to avoid. I do avoid other foods too, because they offer me little in the way of protein, but I can still eat them if I want without any discomfort.

I spend a few days a week out of the house for breakfast and lunch... so this is what I'll usually eat on those days (obviously can differ from day-to-day).

I eat my breakfast on the way, so I take a squeezy yoghurt pouch. I prefer the berry one, but this is about 10g of protein.

Now, I waste stomach space on no protein for morning tea... but it's mango, how can I not? Those things win you over with their smell alone. I try to get smaller mangoes so I can eat the entire thing and not waste any, but otherwise it's really easy to find people to help you finish it. lol.

For lunch, I love these Sirena tuna and rice combos. You can find them in Woolies near the tuna in boxes. I can usually manage the entire serve or close to it, so long as I take a full half hour to get through it. That's about 18g protein.

Afternoon tea means it's time for my beloved roasted broadbeans! About 6.5g protein in a 25g packet.

Dinner will often be a piece of steak, or piece of fish, and a maybe a tablespoon of veges or salad for me. Often, that'll give me about 30g protein in the 100g meat I eat. This takes me quite a while to finish... it's usually cool by the time I'm done.

If I'm still feeling hungry later, I will try and make sure it's protein-based. Nuts are good, but I'm not a massive fan. Lately I've been having 1 piece of Helgas quino and flaxseed bread toasted, with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter on it. That's a decent amount of peanut butter, but 1 tbsp of the Sanitarium one we're currently using is over 6g of protein. Add to about the 3g protein in the slice of bread, it's a decent protein hit for a snack.

I also take a range of vitamins... hair skin nails, multivitamin, Iron, Vit C and Magnesium. I mostly just take the multi, but the others are there if I feel I need them. The vitamin C is only taken to help absorb the iron. Generally I'll only add the extra in if I've been unwell, or I take the magnesium if my sleep is getting lousy (I occasionally suffer from restless legs which prevents sleep. Magnesium helps with this).

I have some benefibre on hand, but I've found that I've not really required it as I haven't suffered from constipation, but a lot of people do (especially in the early days). I've just been lucky.

Okay, so this entry has nothing at all to do with the sleeve or anything relevant to the sleeve, but I've had a few comments and PMs about this... so here it is. A very very basic make-up tutorial. Right now, it's eyes.

Click to enlarge

Above is a photo of 3 lovely friends who I've done make-up for. For these applications, however, I've used the same technique for each. I find it to be the most effective and simple way to suit most eye shapes and sizes.

For this, you will need 3 shades of eyeshadow. One should be a little lighter than your natural skin colour, and perhaps with a little shimmer (it can be matte if you like, it really doesn't matter, I just tend to prefer a slight shimmer for this shade).

The second can be any colour you like. If you want a natural application though, try to get with a shade that is somewhat close to your skin colour... yet a little different. It might be a gold, a bronze, a peachy colour, a taupe. If you're a little more adventurous try a lilac, an olive green, a pinky bronze, etc. If you're really adventurous, go with a bright blue, a yellow, a very obvious, thick gold, etc. It's up to you.

The third colour needs to be darker than the first two. If you're going natural, then I find it tends to work well as some sort of brown shade. If you're very dark-skinned, then a dark plum, a navy, a charcoal, etc may work well. If you're anything lighter than that though, a brown or grey works well for a more natural look (though, I personally find grey shadows to be a bit dated... a lot of elderly women tend to deal with grey shadows). If you're wanting something more outgoing, you might want a darker version of your second shadow. For example, if you chose an olive green, you may want to go with a dark brown, or maybe an even darker olive. If you went purple, you may want to find a violet. Just something darker than the other 2 colours. You can even go completely against "matching" colours as I did with the aqua-coloured lids above with a contrasting black shadow. Please remember that this will not create natural results.

For my own lids, I generally use a pearly off-white shade for the first shadow, a very pale pinky-bronzy for my second and then a medium brown for my third (for my everyday look).

Speaking of which, figured I'd add a "before make-up, after make-up) shot I took before I dyed my hair brown again...

Me, before and after make-up using this eye technique. 

As for materials, the make-up in the photo above (the photo of me, not the others) was done as a part of a make-up tutorial I tried to do a while ago, which included a video... but things went crazy and the video had some sort of error, thus the image and video were never used. Anyway, for the tutorial I had intended to use the footage for, I was using only CHEAP PRODUCTS and only using the brushes that came with the eye shadows... cheap eye shadow sponges on one end, a little cheap brush on the other.

If you've got money to spend or already have brushes at home though. While I can't take photos for it right now (it's drying and looks shocking while wet), I found a picture online to help explain the types of brushes I'd use for this...

Click to enlarge

See the light brown brushes? They're what I'd use for my eyes. I'd probably use the second biggest (the middle light brown brush) for both colour 1 and colour 2, with the smallest light brown brush (the furthest right) for my third colour.

If you're having trouble blending, or using bright colours, I'd definitely recommend a blending brush. Englarge the image for a good look, it's the third from the left.

Ignore the rest of the brushes, if people are happy with this basic eye tutorial I'll give further info on the rest of the face.

Anyway, as I said, you absolutely use the little sponges that come with shadows. Just make sure you wash them with soap and allow them to air-dry between uses, or at minimum, once a week (if only you are using them). If you're sick, or have any eye issues, definitely wash them daily, or buy a bag of disposable ones and chuck out after each use.

So... how to apply? Well, I made a little image for you...

This is not actual shadow; it has been digitally added.

Hopefully, you can see the 3 colours used.

NOW - for the BASIC EYE TUTORIAL

ONE I've got a light creamy colour under the brow bone and in the inner corner of the eye. Where I've put it on this photo, is where I'd stick it on the eye. Use your brush, dab in the powder, and dab/lightly stroke these areas.

Keep in mind you don't want a huge line of colour. This is to highlight the brow bone and inner corner of the eye, not to do anything more.

TWO Next, apply your second colour over the rest of your eye. Use a patting/dabbing motion to apply, then sweep to build up colour and blend. If you make a mistake, use a dry cotton bud to try and remedy your mistakes. If that doesn't work, a tiny bit of water on the bud will help. It's better to start off small and build up; it's easier to add more colour than it is to remove already applied colour.

NOTE: If the colour is a b right colour, it's better to avoid letting it reach the bottom of your eyebrow. Instead, extend the first colour right underneath the entire brow, not just the outer edge, and THEN use your second colour on the rest of the un-shadowed lid.

THREE If you've never gotten to know your eyes before, do it before even beginning this routine. Take a look in the mirror, and find the little indent between your eyeball (under your eyelid, don't actually go poking your eyeball) and your brow bone. THAT is where I want you to apply your third colour. For many, this will be where their lid naturally creases. Do not go over where the eyeball sits. Instead, follow that crease/indent and go ABOVE it. You should have a little line somewhere in the middle of your lid. TRY to make sure it's quite straight and follows the crease/indent well.

It should be bolder at the outside than on the inside. In fact, I recommend you don't make this line all the way across your eye, but rather fade it down as you get closer to the inside of your eye.

Then, use the outer edge of that line, and bring it back to your lash line in a sideways "U" or "V" shape (depending on your preference. I like a slightly more rounded end, but some people like a more pointed "wing."

I also like to take this colour slightly along the lower lash line, only just, and fade it before reaching the middle of the lower lash line. This is optional of course, I just find it adds something.

FOUR Blend like a mad woman! You don't want streaks of seperate colours, you want them to blend at least a little. The more natural the look, the more blended you want. What you're doing is creating shape by contouring the shape of your eye and highlighting the parts you want to bring forward.

If the look is dramatic, I still like to blend, as you can see in the first photo with the black/aqua combination. It's not sharp lines, there is still some blend.

Make sure both eyes look good both opened and closed. Some make-up artists think that closed is more important, but I believe it's better to make them look pretty open, as that's hopefully how you'll spend most of the while wearing it. Make sure they look even... if not, keep fiddling to they do.

FIVE Time to add the finishing touches!

BROWS
For me, filling in the brows is an essential job. You can find powders and pencils specific for this job, but otherwise, you can simply use an appropriate shadow colour.MAKE SURE THE SHADOW IS MATTE, NOT SHIMMERY.

What shade you choose really depends on your actual colouring. I like to choose a shade that (believe it or not) is actually a tiny bit lighter than my naturally BLACK eyebrows. Using black shadow is very dramatic and I think it looks too over-the-top for me.

For blondes, a light-brown shade is usually nice, though make sure it's not too red-tinged. Dark brunettes look good with a medium-to-dark brown. A dark brown works well for the darkest of brows, in my opinion. For those who are more red-headed (if your brows are red), a reddy-tinged light brown tends to work well. The tinge should only be slight, or else you'll look like a clown.

I use an angled brush for this. If you can't find an angled brush or can't afford one, then using a pencil might be a bit easier than using powder. Be careful not to draw thick lines on though, or it'll look over-the-top and very unnatural.

Filling in your brows completes the look, and also can perfect oddly-shaped eyebrows or bald patches.

Using a brush and a clear mascara on your brows can also work well if your brows tend to get messy!

MASCARA
I assume that most women know how to apply this. I like to lower my lids and tilt my head back so my eyes can still be open and I can see, but there's less change of them touching my eyelid and smudging.

For a natural look, if you've got fair-coloured lashes, you might find a dark brown give a good result. If you've got black lashes, or simply prefer that look, definitely avoid brown mascaras.

I apply by starting with the wand ABOVE my lashes, and wriggling the ward down to the tips of my lashes, then putting the wand under my lashes, and swiping up to the tips. This ensures a good coating, especially for those with lighter lashes (missed patches are easily seen on light-coloured lashes, not so much on dark).

I then dab my lashes with the wand very gently on my lower lashes. I don't swipe down them as I find I risk accidentally bumping the mascara wand onto my skin and having to fix that up, and that they look quite spidery. I have very long lower lashes though, and they're quite dark anyway.

If you have pale or sparse lower lashes, I'd recommend being very gentle and swiping downwards. If you do smudge your face, wait until it dries, then dab it off with a wet cotton-tip.

EYELINER
For a natural look, pick a dark brown pencil. Put your finger at the outer corner of your eye and pull it taut, sideways (like you'd do if you were, and yes, I am aware this is a bit un-PC but I can't think of any other way to put it... like you would if you pretending you were Asian). Then gently run the pencil from the outer corner, to the middle of your lashline. Once you get the middle, let you skin go (stop pulling it taut) and GENTLY pencil to the inner corner. I prefer the look to taper in, so that the inner corner has very little liner on it at all, while the outer corner is thicker.

For a more dramatic look, I'd do the same thing, but with a black pencil or gel/liquid liner. Gel/Liquid is trickier for an unsteady hand though so be careful.

If you want, you can also add a very light line ot the lower lashes. I like to them SMEAR it with my fingertip, so it's not too bold, and simply creates a slight shadow.

Alternatively, use an angled brush, dab it onto your eyeshadow palette in the third shade you applied, and run that to the middle of your lower lash, tapering in so it's thicker and more vibrant on the outer edge, and barely visible at the inner corner.

And, there you have it! Hopefully a look you're really happy with and that's easy to do every morning, as well as when you're going out.

I play around with my make-up looks of an evening before I shower to test out new techniques, and it might require a bit of playing around to perfect the look, but I really hope this tutorial is somewhat helpful!

Unexpected Changes Post-Sleeve

It's about time I updated. I wasn't really sure what to write, but last night, after having some god-awful pain triggered by (I assume) over-the-counter medication, I decided that I'd write about the way MY life changed after having the sleeve, that I wasn't really expecting.

Medication 
 A few years ago I had my gallbladder removed thanks to numerous gallstones clogging up my biliary tract and giving me horrible gallbladder attacks (some stones were golf-ball sized!). After a lot of stuffing around by idiotic hospital staff, it was finally removed and life attack-free was marvellous. Until... sometime early this year.

Around March/April I started having what felt exactly like gallbladder attacks. These tend to feel like a tightening around the ribs (where your bra band would sit), and it quickly intensifies into a horrible pain that radiates to your back and is just agonising. Then, all of a sudden, it ends. Nothing you do will end the pain (though going to the ER and being dosed with morphine did help during actual gallbladder attacks, lol), so you just have to sit through them. Luckily, the attacks earlier this year were nothing like the 24-hour attack I had before my gallbladder was actually removed, but I might get 2-3 1/2hour length attacks in an evening. It was pretty brutal and obviously prevented me from sleeping.

Eventually, I realised that what was preceding these attacks was pain medication. Occasionally I have pretty bad headaches and I dose myself up on drugs to sleep. Codeine-laden drugs. Ah. So I googled. Apparently, gallbladder removal can result in a sensitivity to codeine, bringing on these gallbladder-like attacks. Numerous people online were complaining of similar, so the answer was simple - no more codeine. Since stopping the codeine, I've been fine.

Now, this has nothing to do with the sleeve, right? It's just about the gallbladder op isn't it? Not exactly. I have no idea why, but I was always fine with codeine after my gallbladder was removed. It wasn't until I started losing weight after my sleeve that I had issues with codeine. Not even immediately after my sleeve. I had codeine several times post-sleeve with no issues, but since about March, it's been a no-go for me, resulting in attacks every time. At first I could take only ONE codeine tablet in 24 hours and be fine, but now I can take none at all.

As I said, I've been avoiding codeine for a while now and everything's been okay. Until yesterday, when I gave myself some Imodium/Gastro-Stop type of pharmacy-branded medication. I'd had gastro for a few days, but yesterday I travelled to a theme park with family and while I'd been fine, I wanted to be safe. After lunch, I had the feeling that something wasn't right, so popped 2 pills (as the packet suggested to do) in the hopes that if anything was going to go wrong down there, it'd hold right up and leave me alone for a few hours.

Instead, an hour or so later, wandering around with my family, I got a crippling attack, just the same as when I'd had codeine. I searched for the packet, and found no codeine listed as an ingredient (it would be odd for it to be in there, but I had to check). I had my attack, it eased, and I carried on my merry way. There was still a very mild sensation that an attack might be imminent however, so I tried to go easy on myself (though, of course, an attack doesn't care what you're doing and will come at you whether you're running on a treadmill or sleeping in bed, so me trying to take things slowly would have had no effect either way).

Fortunately, I made it out of the theme park with just one attack, but on the way home as we stopped for a toilet break and some drinks at a service station, I had another. I sat in the car for the first and brought my legs up to my chin (I find the compression it gives tends to ease pain slightly) and grunted and groaned in pain quietly (my daughter was asleep and I didn't want to wake her), and it eased. Scared it might not have fully dissipated, I decided to stay in that position a few minutes longer (my partner had gone inside to use the toilet and get refreshments, so it was just me and a sleeping child in the car). That's when the next wave hit, and it was horrible. Perhaps the worst one I've had. No, it didn't last the 24 hours one of my previous attacks had, but it was intense. My partner returned and started driving home, while I was still mid-attack. He was trying to ask my questions but honestly, I couldn't care less what he was saying. I was in agonising pain and if I had something sharp on me, I would have dug under my ribcage trying to remove whatever it was that was causing the pain.

Drama queen? Perhaps. It was pretty horrible though, and something I don't want to experience again anytime soon. Luckily, I've been perfectly fine today.

So 3 attacks from 2 pills containing stuff other than codeine. It might be a result of the sleeve, or a result of the weight loss caused by the sleeve in conjunction with my missing gallbladder, but whatever it was, it was horrible.

Medication was not really something I thought I'd have to worry about after my sleeve (other than during the healing time), so it's definitely something unexpected.

Taste-Changes
I know I talk about my tastes changing post-op, but it wasn't something I had expected before I had my sleeve. All the blogs and forums and such I read about the sleeve never mentioned changing tastes, or perhaps I just overlooked those posts. Regardless, I hadn't expected for it to change as it has.

From the first few days until now, things have gone back to normal a little. In the early days, chocolate was horrible. Now, not so much. Some things still taste less than impressive these days though, whereas before the sleeve, I couldn't get enough. Not really a fan of Quarter Pounders or anything like that, KFC makes me feel ill but the flavour is also not that amazing, and pizza (though I've never been a huge pizza-fan anyway) is not something I'm keen on. Creamy pastas are not just wasted calories but are just not all that nice in flavour, and while I used to love Burger Rings, I just couldn't care less about them these days.

Old flame: Double Quarter Pounder... no more.

All of this, of course, is fabulous because those things are pretty counter-productive to losing weight and getting healthier.

The other thing though, is that I find I have brand-new food loves... like noodles. I don't know why, but sometimes, I'll drive 1/2 hr just to go get myself some delicious Pad Thai or similar. Yes, I eat the smallest amount and am then eating Pad Thai for the next few meals, but I just adore it and numerous other noodle dishes. Fish is another new-love. I haven't disliked fish previously, but I really love it now. Same with steak. Sometimes, I just feel like a steak. I never felt like that pre-op.

I also have a thing for lollies, which is obviously not a good thing... but this is new, as pre-op, I loved chocolate and chips and fatty foods... but never lollies. Some days I sit around for hours just thinking about all the delicious lollies I'm trying to avoid driving to go buy and eat.

I had expected to only be able to eat tiny amounts of certain foods, and to try and eat better and focus on protein, but I didn't expect that my food preferences would completely change.

Clothing
I didn't expect to not fit into clothes. I thought to myself, "once I lose weight, I will be able to walk into any shop and find something to fit!" Many sleevers CAN do this, and feel great about it, and I think that may be something that leaves me feeling a bit ripped off.

Look, I can go into more shops than I could and fit into more things than I could pre-sleeve, but my bust hasn't decreased as much as my back has, and so instead of a 20E, I'm a 12FF. Only 2 cup sizes different, but plus-size clothes expect that you have a decent-sized bust. Standard sizes seem to expect you're no bigger than a large C, at most.

I can find clothes to fit, but usually I'm searching for stretch, or buttons I can undo. Either that, or buying big and using belts to cinch in the waist. It's not as difficult and not as costly as shopping as a plus-size woman, but it's certainly not a difficulty I expected to have to deal with now. I had gone into this weight loss gig thinking I would fit into most things. Now, I find most things will not fit.

Hopefully, with coming fashion trends, the high necklines will disappear and I'll be able to fit into more things (lower necklines are much more generous to a bigger bust). Unfortunately, that's not going to solve the problem of swimwear, which I'm now going to have to spend a fortune on to find a good fit.

I know how this would sound to those who haven't had their op yet too... "What a whingy bitch, doesn't she realise how lucky she is?!" which brings me to my next unexpected point...

Satisfaction
You know how you see skinny girls whinging about their "fat belly" or something else, and you can't even see what they're going on about, roll your eyes and think, "Doesn't that bitch realise how lucky she is? I would KILL to be her size!" Yeah, well, that can become you post-sleeve.

You see, pre-sleeve, I wanted to get to a 12. A size 12 and I'd be happy. Well, here I am, size 12, and I still want to be smaller. I still pick at my flaws, they're just different to my previous ones. Instead of "look how enormous I am," it's become, "Gross... look at all my sag."

My saggy inner-thigh. Taken to share with sleever friends.

Don't get me wrong, I am MUCH happier being a size 12 than I ever was a 22. Oh, yes, I figured out what size I would have actually been pre-op. A 22. I didn't know this as I only wore City Chic clothing, which is quite generous and flattering... but yep, a size 22. Anyway, of course I'm happier being a 12 than a 22, but it's still not good enough.

I think counselling should be mandatory as a part of this journey, because in all honesty, if you're a self-hater, you're going to be a self-hater even once you lose weight, you'll just find other parts of yourself to focus on instead. For me, it's mostly sag. Or really dumb things, like my hair. I cut my hair short, and dyed it red. I felt really really hideous for a while and thought I looked like a boy. Too masculine. Not feminine. I would ONLY wear dresses, and always wear make-up, girly shoes, earrings, rings and bracelets. And nail polish. I wouldn't go outside without these things on, because I was assured people would think I looked butch otherwise.

Can you see how that might be pretty much the same as a fat girl who thinks she needs to dress up and look good enough so that perhaps she might be forgiven for being fat? Like her nice clothes might make up for the fact she was fat? Well, yeah, I was doing that... except about a hairstyle.

I'm also not skinny enough, and I want to get smaller. I knew I had wanted to get to 70kg then reassess, so it's not too unexpected there, but I did expect to be feeling much smaller than I actually do now that I'm almost there (71.2kg as of yesterday).

You say to yourself, "once I get to XXkg I'll be happy," but it's not always true, and it's just not something I expected to feel post-op.

Uncertainty
So... if I'm not the fat girl, who am I? I'm not really sure how to define myself anymore, and it actually feels really strange. I know we're all about not labelling ourself, not boxing ourselves in and whatnot these days, but in a way, it's comforting to have a neat little label you can stick on yourself. There's numerous labels you could give a person, but "fat girl," was always my defining one. Now that I've lost weight, what label do I get?

I'm not fat anymore. I know I have fat on me, but I'd say "fat" wouldn't be a word all but the nasty and very picky would use to describe me (not as the first few words anyway). I'm not skinny either. I'm just kind of middle-of-the-road. I guess all other "looks" labels don't really say as much about me as fat did either. Big-busted means I wear a large-letter on my bra tag, but it doesn't really say who I am. Nor does short. Nor does brunette. Nor does any other looks-based label like "fat girl," did.

It's also hard to talk to fat people about weight struggles if they didn't know you as a fat person. They look at you like, "wtf would you know?" Just as I would have if I was whinging about being 107kg and they were all, "I know, I really want to lose 5kg to get to 65kg." I would be thinking, "Pfft. Wtf? That's not a problem! 5kg is nothing!" I would think they were stupid to even presume they could relate. People who don't know I was fat, or even those who know I was but didn't know me then, react like that. Like I'm being a condescending bitch or just have no idea wtf they're going through.

Never-been-fat people are hard to relate to as well. Their "Oh, I want to lose 5kg," stuff still seems pretty unimportant. They still have their "when I was a skinny teenager and had a million friends and guys after me..." type stories are not tales I can relate to.

I just don't know how to describe it to someone who hasn't been there, but it honestly wasn't something I had expected to feel. Now I'm just an "ex-fatty," and that's it, and yet it doesn't seem to encompass me as a person as much as "fat girl," did, and it just feel a wee bit frightening...

Arrogance
Sometimes, I notice I'm getting arrogant. Don't get me wrong, confidence is good. I've noticed that I've stopped worrying about my partner leaving me... but then sometimes I feel a surge of arrogance surrounding that thought, and add an internal, "and if he did, I could find me someone else easily!" or even, "and why would he want to? I look hot now!"

I know this sounds contradictory to the not-being-satisfied point made above, and yeah, it is. My head is a bit mess of contradictions and confusion. This is not ongoing, endless arrogance, it's fleeting. It pops up, I'm arrogant for a few thoughts, then it goes away again and I'm feeling like I'm not good enough again.

The arrogance is not usually something I let out vocally, or even care to admit publically, but in the name of keeping this blog honest, here it is. It's usually something I think, and then stop think, "Whoa, that was seriously up-yourself!" Things like a guy cracking onto me in a club and me, internally, rolling my eyes and thinking, "Really dude? Do you really think I couldn't do better than you if I was looking?!" Yes, that kind of horrible arrogance. It makes me feel dreadful too, after it disappears again.

I have no idea why it happens, but I do suspect it might have to do with the fact that I'm getting treated in a way I have never been treated previously. People are nice to me. People are more willing to help me out. People compliment me randomly. Shop girls want to make pointless conversation with me. Guys will choose to try and chat me up rather than one of my pretty friends first (never happened until I had the op). Health care professionals are nicer to me. Freaking EVERYONE is nicer to me, and it's weird. Even my horrible brother-in-law treats me nicely, and he's not a particularly nice person anyway. It's this whole new way of being treated, of being noticed, and I suppose I may be unprepared for it all... and thus occasionally, get arrogant because of it.

I hadn't expected to become an arrogant jerk from time-to-time, and I am thankful that it's something I am able to to keep to myself, but it's a bit of a shock all the same.

...

I hope that wasn't too much of a downer, but they are some of the things I've experienced since the sleeve that I had not expected to, and I think it's important to share that info with potential sleevers. Please keep in mind that this is one person's experience, and it doesn't have to be yours... but it's worth considering there will likely be things you experience that you didn't expect to. Plan ahead, but arming yourself with a good counsellor to see you through!

Anyway, in other news... 71.2kg as I mentioned before. Chipping away slowly. Almost at 70kg so would like to make my new goal 65kg. There it is - first time written down, officially. I have no care for how long that takes. I am not going to disappoint myself by setting a time-limit on it. It'll happen when and if it happens. I've been quite slack with my exericise lately, but I do hope that after I finish my studies I can get back into it a bit more gung-ho.

What I eat in a day, some possibly NSFW pics and updated measurements!

Okay... well... this blog entry will pretty much tie into my VLOG update, but I know sometimes it's better written than viewed (personally, I think my VLOG is pretty boring, but people are asking for more updates, so I've been trying to maintain it... lol).

I'm almost 12 months out now... will be in about a week... so I thought I'd show you all what a daily menu looks like for a sleever who's 12 months out from the op.

I took pics so you can all see. I didn't include drinks.

Here's some rundowns...

Breakfast - Sachet of Quaker Oats Golden Syrup flavour, 2/3 cup Paul's Smarter White Milk (brands used change regularly, depending on sales)
This meal has...
233 Calories
6.6g protein
5.8g fat

Lunch - 6 Veri Deli Fig & Mixed Grain crackers, Grunswick Sardines in Olive Oil (I vary cracker flavours/brands occasionally, and never get springwater sardines as I think they taste foul - though they'd be healthier)
This meal has...
236 Calories
19.2g protein
11.5g fat

Dinner - 100g Lean Steak, 1 small broccoli floret (I can usually manage to eat all of this, but nothing more)
This meal has...
185 Calories
33.1g protein
5.5g fat

Snacks -

25g "Fava Nuts" (Roasted Broadbeans, lightly salted)
This snack has...
125.5 Calories
6.1g protein
4.5g fat

Golburn Valley tub of Two Fruits
This snack has...
83 Calories
0.8g protein
0.1g fat

Total Daily Intake:
Calories: 862.5
Protein: 65.8g
Fat: 27.4g

And that's how much I can eat in a day. Not much eh? I do get naughty occasionally, though I tend to waste excess calories mostly on drinks, like Iced Tea. Stolen Recipe Iced Tea is my absolute favourite and I would happy drink so much of it. I'm also a bit fond of a frozen coke when I'm out and about... so yes, I definitely do screw myself over on liquids, even though my foods are fairly good.

Also, you may remember around this time last year I took some "Up Close and Personal" photos that were pretty shocking and had me in tears. Well, I decided to update them all, and compare them side-by-side to my body now. The results gave me a little ego-boost... comparing them to before, I can see such a difference, which at moments I can't see just from looking in the mirror.

Most of these were taken today, with the exception being the full-facial shot, which I took about a week and a half ago. I'm still far from perfect and not what anyone would refer to as skinny, but I think I'm in a place now where people wouldn't really use my body as a way to describe me easily. I'm sure previously, people would have said, "You know... that larger girl..." when describing me. Now I'm not sure they'd say anything about it.

Now, I also took these. They may be NSFW. I don't know what your work filters... and these have some blacked-out nudity, but I wanted to get a good representation of my body. These were originally going to be just for me, but I decided to share. I'm not ashamed of my body, and am quite proud of how far it's come, so I figured I'd share with you all (the VLOG did NOT get these pics... lol).

That side on pic is just shocking. It's almost as if I've been sliced in half when comparing those two. I lifted my arm up because it was just hanging in the way and blocking part of my back. Anyway, this is me now. I can see some saggy bits, especially around my backside and on my belly, and then again on my arms and inner thighs, but despite being irritated at these parts, I am overall so much littler and thus very pleased with my progress. 

I know a lot of people will think that it's crazy to be proud of your success when you've had WLS to help you get there, but I think these people also don't realise that you also put in a fair bit of effort yourself. I eat right, in that I focus on the protein I'm supposed to be eating and try to make sure I eat a sufficient amount of that to ensure my body is eating fat rather than muscle. It can be hard - a year of eating mostly protein is tough work. It's strange to think of salad as a "treat meal," because it's got very little protein overall... but I've done what I can to keep my protein intake up. 

I also do zumba and weights, despite hating them. So many sleevers come to enjoy exercise, but it seems I'm just not one of them. I loathe it now just as much as I did before I started. I do it though, because I want to limit my sag, and want to increase my fitness levels. I put that time in, despite loathing it, and the results are speaking for themselves. 

So I'm PROUD of my loss despite using WLS to help me get there. I've done work myself, and I've also been able to accept that yes, I am fat... no I am unlikely to lose weight solely on my own, and make the hard decisions to get myself to a place where I can be healthier and happier with myself. I think all sleevers should be proud, because it can be such a tough emotional and mental journey... and of course physical too. 

The last thing I wanted to add were my updated measurements. 

Firstly... I'm 72kg now. Smack bang on 72. Thrilled!

My BMI has gone from 41.9 to 28.1. 

My body fat percentage has gone from 51.12% to a very acceptable 29.28%

Bust - 120.5cm to 101.5cm

Waist - 101.5cm to 75.5cm

Hips - 125.5cm to 97cm

Neck - 38.5cm to 34cm

Left Wrist - 19.5cm to 17cm

Right Wrist - 19cm to 17cm

Left Forearm - 31cm to 25cm

Right Forearm - 30cm to 25.5cm

Left Upper Arm - 42cm to 32.5cm

Right Upper Arm - 41cm to 32cm

Left Ankle - 29 to 24.5cm

Right Ankle - 28cm to 24.5cm

Left Calf - 49cm to 41cm

Right Calf - 47.5cm to 40cm

Left Thigh (Fullest Point) - 76cm to 58cm

Right Thigh (Fullest Point) - 74cm to 58cm 

Left mid-thigh - (no previous measurement) 47cm

Right mid-thigh - (no previous measurement) 48.5cm

And yes, I have cut my hair shorter. My new hair is starting to grow through, but it is still somewhat thin, so I wanted something to lessen the weight of my hair and to hopefully make it look a little fuller than it was looking... so it's not a concave bob, with quite short layers on the back, and then longer at the chin. I've got baby hairs growing back and they're a few cm long now, so I'm hoping that if I keep it short, they'll catch up quickly and I'll soon have lovely thick hair again. 

Hair-thinning sucks, but I'd much rather that than waiting to die of a heart-attack thanks to my crazy blood pressure and feeling horrible because of how obese I was (morbidly so, actually).

Upping the Protein, Rockabilly-Free and Trying to Accept I'm NEVER Goingt to be Perfect...

No matter how often we sleevers talk about protein being important, there comes a time when you just go "stuff you protein," and don't eat it. Or, you do, just not enough. I've realised that, 10 months out, I have to eat protein every single meal and snack to get my 60g in, but there are times when you're sick of animal products, nuts, legumes, etc, and just want to eat salad. Or bread. Or something that's lacking in the protein department.

Recently though, I started freaking about my lack of protein intake, and how it was making my hair fall out. My hair has thinned so much, that I was beginning to worry I'd go bald. I was even googling wigs just in case the time came when that's what I needed, I was so concerned it would happen. Despite my daily intake of a million vitamins... (well, not a million... but more than I'd prefer to consume on a daily basis), I knew that none of them would miraculously stop my hair falling out, and knew the only way to do that was to up my protein and MAKE SURE I get the most in that I can.

My first step was to simply chop my hair off. I know that seems like it has nothing to do with protein, and you're right... but I was freaking about going bald, and having long hair weighing itself down made me worry I was contributing to the appearance of thinning hair, and figured perhaps a lighter-weight hairstyle would help. I'm not sure it's helped me look any less bald, but it is a lot easier to deal with. So... my hair:

I also hope this means that when the new growth shows up, it'll fill out quicker if I keep my hair short. I'm really hoping that this hair-loss thing has ceased now, and that new growth is ready to appear!

The next step, obviously, is to simply up my protein intake. The problem is, protein supplements are so hideous I cannot bring myself to voluntarily eat them. The Atkins Advantage bars are okay, however, and depending on which ones you get, can give you about 10-20g protein per bar. I could manage one for breakfast, so that's one thing I've been doing. I've also given myself unlimited access to Chic Nuts, which is a brand of roasted chickpeas. Of course, you can make your own, which I've tried, but mine never seem to come out very well. Luckily, I can just buy Chic Nuts and eat them pre-made... 10g protein per 50g, which is decent.

There's the Pork Krackles. Now trust me when I say these are not for everyday consumption... they're really unhealthy... BUT... if you're wanting junk food or you've realised you've had about zero protein intake, they're okay to have on occasion. For a 50g bag (it's a decent size packet, so don't expect to be able to eat it all in one sitting!), you've got 35.4g protein. That's more than 1/2 of what I need, so I keep 2 packets of these in the cupboard just in case I need a protein hit, or have the urge to eat something junky and salty (like chips, I suppose).... I can go have these instead. Still rubbish, but at least high-in-protein rubbish!

Tins of tuna, and tins of chicken (which I have yet to try, but other sleevers swear by them!) are another easy protein option... as well as just dairy. Protein powders will be useful too, of course, but bleh... I tried adding some plain (flavourless) protein powder to my porridge recently and just couldn't eat it. I think it's not so much the taste, but the colour and texture. It just grosses me out... for no real reason.

Now, with this increase of protein, I've also managed to SHED SOME MORE WEIGHT. Only a teeny tiny amount, but I'm now 73.7kg! I was thrilled to see 73 on the scales as it's a number I've never seen before... and wasn't sure I was ever going to see. I'm still doing Zumba and weights but I think if I wanted to lose a lot more I'd have to seriously go hardcore with the exercise, and I just HATE exercise so much that I think I'd rather remain where I am forever than spend 7 days in a gym doing hardcore workouts. So many sleevers are bitten by the gym bug and LOVE it.... but me? I dunno, I still hate it. Exercise and me are just not friends.

In other news, I'm doing my course still, and have moved on to the 2nd trimester... massage, nutrition, advanced facials, make-up and a bunch of other random theory subjects which are quite pointless and obviously designed for absolute morons (doing workbooks with a picture of a person with a sad face, and being asked, "What emotion do you think this person is experiencing?"... *sigh* I think my daughter could pass that subject!).

I'm really enjoying the make-up side of it all, partly because it's where I excell. I'm feeling really down lately though, because I know it's not something I can do professionally (be a make-up artist). The hours a make-up artist works are just not compatible with motherhood... daycare is not open at those times, and I'm not sure if I could rely on the bf to take care of my daughter if I had a make-up job booked on a weekend, as he sometimes works weekends himself. I'm still considering trying to work something out though, because I just love doing it... and yes, I'll toot my own horn... I'm good at it too. I'm going to try and find the money to get a professional make-up kit and see if I can start doing formals or weddings or something... maybe. I don't know. It may just be a pipedream for now...

I've also got a progress shot to share. Going to wear this dress out in a few weeks when I go out with the girls from school. I'm not 100% I can pull it off, but I wanted to go with something that was NOT rockabilly/pinup... I wanted to do my make-up different, and since I now have short hair, I just wanted a slightly different look. Of course I still want something pulled in at the waist, because I think that's what best flatters my figure... but anyway...

It's shorter than I'm used to, but this season's fashion seems to be particularly hideous in general, and very loose and high-necked and unflattering to my shape... so I got what I could. I'll just ignore my knees and pretend that I don't hate them. I need to accept I'll never be perfect, and it's something I'm trying to accept now that I've lost weight. Some days I feel so down that I'm not 50kg or something ridiculous... or I ignore my size and instead focus on my floppy stomach, or think about how I'd like a much smaller nose... and lately even thinking about if a surgery exists to re-shape my eyes. It's just getting a bit insane, and I refuse to turn into Heidi Montag and be a perfectly fine woman who just loathes herself so much she goes and lets a surgeon hack her up and turn her into a freak. I need to NOT let that happen to me, but I'm very aware that I seem to be addicted to hating myself and finding faults in everything to do with myself... so I'm TRYING to readjust my thinking and am trying to realise that I might not be perfect, but that's just fine. Nobody I know in life is perfect... and yet if any of them talked about themselves the way I talk about myself, I'd think they were batshit crazy.

I also need to stop calling myself fat. I think calling yourself fat is fine... if you're fat. I am aware I am still far from skinny, but I think that realistically, I am probably on the chubby side of average at the moment. When I talk about being fat to people who have only ever known me as this size, they look at me like I'm either joking, am delusional, or am being condescending and nasty to other fat people. I think just because I know my own history doesn't mean everyone else does... and I think to try and relate to obese people right now is, unless they know my history, taken the wrong way and is insulting at best. I used to hate it when a size 12/14 girl would pretend she knew what it was like to be plus-sized... and I don't want to become that girl to other bigger people...

Anyway, as always... I am rambling...

My night out, a dodgy pic, and what I'm eating/doing for exercise.

Well, time for another update I think.

So, I went out as I said I would and had a blast. Though, I got really really drunk, something I thought wasn't likely to happen with the sleeve. I had vodka and oranges all night... with more vodka than you'd usually add because I wrongly assumed I'd only be able to have about 2 drinks, so I might as well make it worth it.

Turns out, I had an endless amount of room in my belly for those drinks, and went through A LOT of them. God only knows how many... so basically, I was drunk off my face.

Now I'm not sure about you, but when I'm drunk, I tend to have absolutely no filter between my head and my mouth. I kind of lack one anyway, and often just say things other people might keep to themselves because I see no point in keeping a lot of thoughts quiet - people who do this are often in shock when they FINALLY have a conversation about something they'd usually never mention, and then realise that there are a whole lot of other people just like them out there. Well, for that reason, I am pretty open about what I talk about. I don't want to be shocked, I want to be reassured I am normal, and reassure others that they are not alone too.

Anyway, I still have SOME sort of minor filter when I'm sober, but when I'm drunk, endless word vomit spews from my mouth. Apparently on the night we went out, my issues were how fat I was. Now, look, if you ask me how fat I am now, I'd say I'm probably chubby, but I don't think too many people would see me and the first thing they'd think is "fat," so I don't really think I'm fat anymore... but obviously I still think I am somewhere inside, because all I could talk about was how fat I was. Well, I talked about a bunch of other things too, but being fat was a bit part of it according to the girls I went out with.

I guess that's the problem with weight loss too... you may go from plus-sized to a size 12/14 (as I currently am), but it's hard to mentally accept and embrace that. I TECHNICALLY know I'm not a plus-sized girl, but I feel I can better relate to them when we're talking about clothes shopping as such, and I know sometimes girls bigger than I currently am will be talking and I'll be all, "Oh, I know..." and they look at me like I'm being a condescending bitch, because they don't know I've previously been just as big (or close enough to, anyway) as they are.

I see gaps where I could potentially sit and think, "No, I won't fit there... that's a space for skinny girls." Then, I'll usually get hassled by whoever I'm with to just sit there, and I'll reluctantly give it a go, just waiting for the moment I have to stand back up because I'm just too cramped, only to discover that not only can I fit there, but that I am not squashed and may even have a little room either side of me. I still think like a fat girl. My head still tells me I'm a fat girl. It still plans for being fat. It's something that I think only time will assist me with. Then again, I've got a friend who lost a huge amount of weight and is now what I'd call skinny (not even just average-sized, but skinny), and I know there's a fat boy still living in his head... so I wonder if it ever completely goes away. After spending most of my years being bigger than average, and then fat... well, I think it's going to be a tough habit to break.

Anyway, as I said, my night out was great. It was the first time I have ever been out and not been treated like "The Fat Friend." I hate that. That was always me. The fact friend of the hot girl. I think I made me friends look even more attractive just because people had a comparison to draw between them and me... and it was quite depressing when a cute boy would come over to you, and you'd think, "Wow, has my luck changed?" only to discover they just want you to convince your friend to talk/dance/etc with them. You smile, and you pretend it doesn't matter... you don't need a man, or maybe you have a boyfriend... but when the only people who've really ever purchased drinks for you are your friends, yourself or a guy so drunk he can't even stand up on his own, well, it's a little sad. All these other friends have stories of guys practically falling at their feet, and yet you've never experienced such a thing. It's hard.

It's not that I particularly WANT a bunch of guys to want me either. It's just that I've never had that, and yet watched all my friends have it. It would be NICE to be offered a free drink from a nice guy. It would be NICE for them not to treat you like the fat friend. It would be NICE to be viewed as something other than simply a fat girl. And it WAS nice. For once I felt that my fat didn't stop things for me... I felt like I could talk to people I didn't know, because they weren't going to be thinking, "Ew, fat girl, leave me alone!" Men and women. To be quite honest, I spend more time talking to girls when I'm drunk than guys, because I have no interest in picking up. I have a partner - why would I need a man? I am GRATEFUL when they pay me attention, say something nice, etc... and I knew I'd be disappointed if that didn't happen at all, but guys can say things just because they think you're drunk and therefore an easy way to score. You can't trust that what they say is genuine. Girls though, they're more picky about who they compliment on a night out, so when they say something nice, you know you can trust that it's not because they're trying to get something from you. I had a few comments on my dress, and a few people that were just nice in general, and it was great.

I took a photo, to show you guys what I looked like. Well, we took many photos... all of which were taken drunk and are really poor-quality shots. This is probably the best I can offer (of myself). Please excuse our duckfaces... it was intentional (we decided to have a "duckface FB going out photo" since it seems to be the thing to do... lol).

I also adore this photo because girls either side of me are a size 8 and while it's clear I'm bigger than they are, I'm not OVERWHELMINGLY bigger than they are.

On the eating front, my day tends to go:

Porridge with skim milk (for protein).

3 crackers with lite cheese for morning tea (protein in the cheese).

Half a protein-heavy sandwich, or maybe 1/2 a cup of some sort of meaty casserole, or maybe 1 sushi roll (or rather 3/4 most of the time). Lunch usually takes about 1/2 hour to get through.

I don't usually have an afternoon tea snack, but if I do, I'll usually try and grab something like a small tin of baked beans for protein, but I'll also have a pear or something if I can.

Dinner will be about 1/2 cup of food. eg: half cup of beef and red wine casserole, 1.5 lean chipolata sausages (in a devilled sausage dish) with maybe 1 teaspoon of mash, a very small portion of steak with a floret of brocolli and a teaspoon of peas... etc. Something like that. I DO have rice or pasta or whatever on occasion, but prefer to avoid them most of the time.

I'm also continuing to do Zumba 3 times a week, weights 4 times... and I do squats whenever I remember and have free time (like in the shower or while I'm brushing my teeth).

I'm also freezing cold most of the time, which really sucks. I have about 2 cardigans, 1 pair of jeans and mostly just Summer dresses, so I really need to go and get my laybys off. I have 2 coats, a long-sleeved dress and some pants in there... so hopefully that will help. I also just need some more cardigans. It's so expensive starting a Winter wardrobe from scratch, so it's taking me a long time to do it, but I'm getting to the point where I'm going to spend all my time sick of I don't.

Anyway, till next time... xx

Sometimes, you just have bad body-hating days... even after the sleeve...

After god knows how long being 75.something or 76.something depending on day, I finally saw a SEVENTY FOUR on the scales yesterday. 74.9kg, but meh. It was still 74. Hopefully it'll continue going down again...

Anyway, I'm mostly in a sour mood lately because I am so annoyed at excess skin. I believe I've offered photos of this before... I can't remember... but either way, I hate it. Excess skin ruins everything. I could probably fit nicely into swimwear, for example... but I have saggy inner thighs which are a hideous joke. I have saggy arms. I have a saggy belly. Today, especially, the saggy belly has been ruining my mood.

I so want to wear pencil skirts. I don't know for how long, but I used to watch old movies, and in old movies, sexy girls wear pencil skirts and little tight woollen "sweaters," with their bullet bras underneath. The top half I couldn't care less about,but I have always longed to wear a sexy pencil skirt.

Well, today I gave it a go and purchased one. I wasn't wearing shapewear when I tried it on, and noticed a bit of a belly, but thought it didn't much matter because I'd pop on some shapewear and it'd solve all my worries. Except it didn't. *sigh*

Now not all of my belly is skin, I know this. Some of it is still fat... but it's the saggy fleshy jiggly bit that gives me the shits, rather than the fatty bit. The fatty parts I can hope with, but the saggy parts that just hang have really irked me.

Front on, I thought I looked fine. Side on... I wanted to cry.

I do suspect I may have slightly unrealistic unexpectations. I think I see a pencil skirt and hot shoes and think of something like this:

 Of course though, I am not Doris Mayday, nor will I ever be... but I guess that doesn't my head from having a little bit of a tanty when I realise that I do not look at all like she does in a pencil dress/skirt. lol. Perhaps I need a girdle or a corset. Actually, Georgina who runs the blog Fuller Figure Fuller Bust is gorgeous and fuller-figured (hence the name, obviously), but managed to look rocking in a lot of pinup gear, including really tight-fitting items. I know she'll wear corsets occasionally, so perhaps that's what I need! One like this: What Katie Did Morticia corset.

 So, I've decided that when I've lost all the weight I want to lose and when I've had all the children I'm going to have, I'm going to have a tummy tuck. Previously I've seen them on American makeover TV shows and thought they looked really weird and unnatural, but a few sleevers have been kind enough to share their pics after their tummy tucks, and they look great... so it's something I'm aiming for. Apparently it's something you may be able to get in the public system too... but in all honesty, I don't even care about that. I just want it done. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen for some time because lord knows when I'll finally be done having babies.

So while I was planning on wearing some sexy shoes and a pencil skirt out this weekend, I now have to go shopping and get something else. Luckily, there's a Trash Monkey store in the same suburb as where I'll be staying Saturday night (going to the Gold Coast for a girl's night out), so I'm hoping I can just score something there. I'm after a Hell Bunny dress... a darker coloured one. 

Anyway, I don't even know what this blog post is really about... just letting you know that even after weight loss, you'll still have days when you feel like a hideous beast, and everyone will think you're insane. I know people who are bigger than me are probably like, "Wtf?" when I complain about how I look in the pencil skirt, but I suppose I am one of those people who will never be happy with myself. Something I really ought to work on. Just a warning sleevers-to-be... losing weight doesn't make you love yourself automatically. I find it a lot EASIER to love myself now, but I still have moments where I think I look repulsive.

Anyway, I am hoping a new dress tomorrow will make me feel much better, and if I am somehow lucky enough to get some sort of positive male attention when I go out, all the better! At least I'll be worth looking at, rather than being, once again, "the fat friend of the hot girl." It would be nice to be acknowledged for more than simply being the fat person who makes a pretty girl look ever more appealing.