Loss Slowing, Lack of Hunger but Tired of Opti

So I'm now 103.6kg. That's in a bit over a week, so I'm happy with those results. Obviously the weight loss has slowed but it's still happening. I'm okay with not losing much though - the focus is on the liver not on weight loss. I keep telling myself whenever loss is minimal. lol.

Anyway, I've not been very hungry lately... just kind of annoyed that I can't eat certain things. I'm used to using food to comfort myself, and being stressed out of an impending due date for a uni assignment would usually be the perfect occasion for a bit of a binge. Well, no, I can't. Instead I can sit here and do it... without food to support me and tell me I can do it. Yep, that's what food does for people like me - it tells us whatever we need to be told. Of course, it also later kicks us in the face and tells us we're fat and shit and nobody will ever love us... lol... but you tend to forget about that when you need food for a moment of support or comfort.

I'd quite like some cheese, and there's a delicious-looking recipe I've found for a post-op cheesey type soup... so I'm looking forward to being able to have that. I think I've said elsewhere on the net that if I had to live off only one food for my entire existance, it would be cheese. It tends to flavour things nicely, and alone it's divine as well... so would really appreciate a small amount of cheese. I have no issues with low-fat cheeses either - I find them just as nice - so am looking forward to the part of my post-op diet where I can introduce some low fat cheese.

Still just continuing along with shakes... totally not enjoying it, but I'm plodding along regardless.

My operation is in LESS THAN A WEEK. TBH, I am excited... mostly because it means I can say goodbye to opti for good. lol. Not really, though that's something that will seem like bliss in the short-term. Long term I know it'll be tough recovering, and I'll still have to eat things I'd rather not, but would much rather sustagen or something than Opti... and just hte fact that I can blend up some soups is appealing.

Also got some drinking yoghurt tonight so I can have some of that pre-op, and some pureed fruits (might as well have just purchased baby food... lol).

Anyway, gotta prepare dinner - we're having chicken and salad tonight, which is something I can actually have. Will have to remove any skin from my chicken, of course, and not have any avocado in my salad but otherwise it should be a nice meal compared to those of recent.

A really quick uneventful entry... and MMMMEEEEEAAAAATTTTTTT!

I have no idea what I weigh this morning... my digital scales can't make up their mind and tell me different things depending on where I put them. I got readings between 103.1 and 104.1 though so I must be somewhere between those two numbers.

I've also got GREAT news from my surgeon's office - I CAN EAT MEAT! A small palm-sized piece of lean meat I've been told, with veges, instead of a shake. I am MORE than okay with giving up a shake each day! lol. I'm just thrilled with the news too... it comes at a great time as I've got an exam to do tomorrow, so could really use the extra energy.

I feel alright now as well... the aches have gone. I've got headaches still, but they're far easier to cope with now that I'm not aching around the neck/chest region anymore. Also far less tired... still tired, but nowhere near as much as I was last week, so I'm hoping that I continue to get better or at least stick with feeling this way, because it's not bad at all.

I really have very little to report... so think I'll end this here. Short entry, no?

Flu without the cold, accidental slip-up and longing for protein

Now what did I have yesterday...?

Oh yeah, I had...

*Celebrity Slim Choc-Orange Shake - Okay, but not as nice as the other CelebSlim flavours I've tried.
*Celebrity Slim Strawberries and Cream bar - meh. Not horrible, but not amazing either.
*Optifast Chocolate Shake
*A warm salad of baby spinach leaves, sauteed mushies and chopped tomato with some balsamic - I probably had more than my 2 cups... I was starving, so had a little extra. I figured that as it was veges, it can't be TOO bad... though probably not the best move regardless.
*Diet Coke, Diet Cordial, Water

I've lost 300g overnight. Not much, and it's made me angry... which I'm really annoyed about because I HATE that weight loss can be a negative. It's weight loss FFS! I should be HAPPY that it's ANY loss at all, rather than annoyed about the amount... it's better than a gain too. This pre-op stage isn't even about weight loss anyway, but rather liver-shrinking, so I really need to get over it.

Today I had a minor slip-up as well... an accidental one though so I'm not going to get angry with myself for it. I had a sip of Sprite. DD had a birthday party at Hungry Jacks, and I was holding her cup and talking... and I just took a sip. It was in my mouth when I realised that I shouldn't be having it (I'm used to absent-mindedly stealing her drinks... lol), but my options were to spit it out in front of everyone or swallow it... so I just swallowed. It wasn't a huge sip anyway, so I'm thinking it won't do much damage. It may stop SOME fat coming off my liver, but it's hardly going to fatten it up, so I'm not concerned. Well, not much anyway...

We've been invited somewhere for dinner, and I'm not looking forward to it. I won't be able to eat... and I HOPE TO GOD that SIL is not there... because if she is, then the fact that I'm not eating will be questioned, and she is the last person on earth I want to know about my surgery. I'm really annoyed they invited me - because they won't cater to me (won't provide me a basic salad or anything) so I'll have to go without or bring my own and look a fool while they all have their dinner. I guess it's nice to get a dinner invite, but the timing sucks.

I'm really quite cranky on Opti too... I guess a combo of starving, aches and pains and tiredness will do that to a person. Sucks because DP is home for a few days and all I want to do is to be left alone and sleep... but he wants to spend time with me. I'm just not in the mood... it feels like when you have the flu, except I have no sinus issues or anything, so it's rather strange. The aches and pains are the same though... my neck feels like it does when your glands are all swollen... only I'm not sure they are.

I may call the doctor on Monday and see if I can have a small amount of protein each day... even if that means giving up an opti or something to do it. I just feel like rubbish and I've got an exam and an assignment to get through this coming week, and given that I feel like rubbish, it's going to be hard. I can get enough energy to sit here and type this, sure, and if all I had to do was type what I was thinking for my exams/assignments that'd be fine... but I have to do HEAPS more research still, and I know my exam will be an all-day event I'm sure... but I'm just not sure I have the energy for that without additional food.

It's so strange that we're all vege-focused now as well... post-op it'll be all about the protein... and I suppose there's protein in these horrible shakes, but I dunno, it's not enough for my body to manage on at the moment. I'll be looked after post-op too, so I CAN slack off and do nothing... but now I can't. Just putting the washing on is an effort... and I'm hating feeling like this. It took me FOREVER to get out of bed this morning, and I went to bed early too... I'm just seriously exhausted. So yeah, I think I will call my doctor and see if I can add some protein. It can be the most fat-free protein there is... I honestly think I could survive this diet a lot easier if I still felt energised. I mean, I want food, sure, but that's not my issue... it's more the feeling like crap that's my problem. If that was gone, then I'd be fine to soldier on.

Massive Overnight Loss, Wanting OJ and Seriously Sad Food-Licking

Wow... I woke this morning to see that a WHOLE KILO has been lost overnight! So now it's 3kg lost in 4 days of Optifast.

I can't even remember what I ate yesterday, apart from dinner which was just vege stir-fry with a tiny bit of soy sauce... so I won't be adding my daily menu today.

I've been REALLY tired on this stupid diet, and I am SO READY to just eat something that resembles real food. Okay, so I get veges... but really? Who on earth gets excited by veges? It was made worse by the fact that DP and DD had McDonalds for dinner... and DD didn't finish hers. Usually this would mean I'd eat her leftovers, but of course I couldn't. So I did something incredibly embarrassing and pathetic. I LICKED her cheeseburger. Like licked the cheese, licked the patty. Just to get SOME sort of taste in my mouth. It took all my strength not to eat it... but I didn't. I just threw it in the bin after a few licks. God that is sad... but I seriously am missing food that badly.

I know post-op it's going to be hard, but I'll also not be limited to opti rubbish post-op. If I want to have a soup, I can have it... if I want to have some orange juice, I'll have it. I can have milk too. Just stuff that is NOT opti. I will be over the moon to eat actual foods... even if they're blended within an inch of their life.

Still, it's only a couple of weeks, and I've got what? 9 more days until I can stop this horrible stuff? 9 days is hardly a lifetime, so I've got to hold onto that. I am totally jealous of people who get to have a small bit of meat though, and really wish I had seen a dietician already in case she'd have given me the ok to have meat as well (because it seems the dieticians are the ones who make these kinds of decisions). My own fault really - so seriously, if you're reading this before YOUR surgery, make sure you DO see a dietician pre-op... before your pre-op diet, just in case they give you a nicer diet to follow than JUST Opti.

Pre-Op Diet Day 3, 2kg down in 3 days and Cheating with a Fish

2kg down in 3 days! Yep, I had lost another 800g this morning... despite the fact I had a slip-up last night and ate a small tin of tuna. I had this weird pain/ache in my that little dip between your collarbones (so where your neck meets your chest), and I jsut felt like I HAD to eat some meat... so I searched for the healthiest thing I could find and a small tin of tuna in springwater was it. I checked and it had approx 100 calories, and approx 1.5g carbs and little in the way of fat, so I'm not too concerned. I was feeling pretty guilty last night, but I checked my inbox this morning after sending an eMail to my surgeon a few days ago, and it says not to be too concerned about slip-ups, and that so long as I get back on the horse after I fall off it, and that a healthy slip is better than something like KFC, so I'm not bothered anymore. I'll still do my best not to slip again, but I'm not going to feel badly about that 1 tin of tuna.

Really, stressing over a tiny tin of tuna is worlds away from where I've been in the past too. A slip-up of tuna would never have even been considered a slip-up in the past... a slip-up was having a huge block of chocolate, or a large Maccas meal or something. Not a tiny tin of tuna. So really, there's no point stressing.

Regardless, I've lost my 2kg in 3 days, so I'm pretty happy so far.

Yesterday I ate...

*ChocMint Celebrity Slim shake - quite yummy! Will have to get more celeb slim shakes.
*A few pickled onions (5-ish?)
*Vanilla Optifast Shake - much better than the chocolate.
*My "meat-free bolognaise," sauce (zucchini, onion, garlic, tomatoes, carrot and herbs with a tiny bit of chicken stock to make it a bit saucier) on top of some sauteed mushrooms.
*Optifast Berry Crunch Bar - Edible. Much more so than the other bar flavour.
*Small tin of tuna in springwater
*Diet Coke, Diet Raspberry Cordial and Water

My poor body is obviously starving, and I'm tired as hell despite getting good sleep each day, but I suppose that's what you should expect when you're not eating much at all. Hopefully this is adequately shrinking my liver. I wonder if my liver is even incredibly fatty to begin with. I'm unsure as to why they don't test this before surgery, so you don't have to have this crazy diet if it's not an issue for you... maybe it's just easy and healthier to pop everyone on Opti pre-op instead of checking individuals. I'll see if I can ask him how my liver was after my surgery.

Um, I guess that's really all. There's not much new to report...

Diet for Day 2, "Before" Photos and Finding Motivation

Day 2 of the pre-op diet has passed and onto day 3 today!

I can report another 500g drop in weight this morning - so in 2 days of the pre-op diet I've lost 1.2kg, which is pretty good. Let's see if I make it to 4kg, and if I do, will I lose more than that? Will be interesting to see.

Before I get into my menu for Day 2, I thought I better take some "before" photos. These are not that nice - I'm quite good at sucking my gut in and standing in a way that flatters me in photos, but in these I just wanted to let it all hang out. I'm just wearing what I'm wearing today, except I took my cardi off to show my arms and more of my body shape. So... here they are. My "before" photos...

I've just labelled them so I know exactly when they were taken for future reference.

Okay, so what did I eat yesterday?

*Celebrity Slim Cookies and Cream shake - didn't taste too "cookies and cream," to me, but it was nice... a LOT better than Opti.

*A few pickled onions (maybe 5 small ones?) - I assume these are okay, as we're allowed onions and allowed vinegar... and the ingredients didn't show much more than this. Good for crunch anyway.

*Optifast Chicken Soup - not as bad as I expected, but kind of like a very thick, creamy cup o soup. Not delicious but I didn't want to vomit either.

*1/2 Optifast Chocolate Dessert - leftover from day before

*Homemade soup - chicken stock, garlic, onion, cabbage, carrot and zucchini. It was quite filling. I've got some more serves for coming days.

I've been peeing like hell too - I spend so much time urinating lately. I hope it's my body cleansing my liver for me... but who knows. I do know I'm losing weight though, so that's a good sign.

Also need to get to work on an assignment for uni. I've got all I need to do it, it's just putting pen to paper (or hands to keyboard, rather). It's due next Friday so I'll definitely have more than enough time to get it done... but right now I just lack motivation. Being tired isn't helping of course... for some reason I haven't been able to sleep much though last night I took some tablets to help me sleep and it truly did help a lot... still, I am tired from the previous nights of no sleeping, so I might get started on my assignment later today, or tomorrow. I'm hoping I can find the motivation later today, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Regardless, I'm doing well at uni so have no reason to think I won't do well on this assignment as well.

700g down, my Day 1 Pre-Op Menu and a Ratatouille Epiphany! (lol)

Okay, day 1 of Opti down.

I weighed myself this morning, and 700g gone. That's a lot to lose overnight, especially when I didn't really sleep much... but as I've said previously (I think?) I tend to lose 4kg really easily, and then that's it. It stops. So let's see what happens over the upcoming days until my surgery.

I cheated yesterday too. I'd heard that my doctor had told another patient not to bother with Opti... and I remembered my appointment with him. He didn't seem all that fussed, and I actually had to ask him how long I should even be on it... he was like, "Well... maybe 2 weeks?" but the way he said it sounded very, "Meh, I don't care either way." I had decided to go on it regardless.

Well, when I heard that he'd told another patient (she'll be having her surgery same day as me, by the same surgeon) not to bother, I was thinking that maybe I wouldn't have to either. After all, I'm not as heavy as some sleeve patients, so maybe I'd be expempt? I sent an eMail asking, and then called up too... no reply as the office was empty. I left a message... and then went and had a "celebratory sandwich." I had stupidly assumed that he'd tell me not to bother too, and I was just waiting for the official go-ahead to eat normally (though I planned to eat lightly - just not following Opti).

He gave me a call and told me to stick to Opti... so I did. I had my Opti meals, PLUS a ham sandwich... but it was day 1 and I was stupid... so now I'm back to doing it properly. A bit peeved that I have to do this, but meh, it's what you've got to do. I only wish Opti wasn't so foul-tasting.

Here's what I ate yesterday...
*Chocolate Optifast shake - made me feel queasy, and I left about 1/4 in the cup
*Optifast Bar (the one that isn't berry-flavoured) - DISGUSTING but I ate it all regardless. It's like thick, wet, chewy cardboard covered in wax that looks like chocolate.
*1/2 Optifast chocolate pudding - tasty, but too rich to eat all of it, I'm not a sweet-food fan.
*About 7 small mushrooms sauteed in garlic
*Mug of Miso soup - so like broth really
*Water and Diet Red Cordial

I went shopping today and grabbed a few veges and dressings and such so I can actually eat... I found my mushrooms the most delightful part of my day (food-wise) yesterday, so I'm thinking that's where I'm going to have to find the most enjoyment. Not that you can really enjoy boring veges all that much, but maybe a little salad with some balsamic, or some stir-fried veg with a little soy sauce, or even a homemade chunky soup will be good. If I come up with anything nice-ish, I'll share it here.

I'm thinking of trying to make a tomato veg "pasta sauce," similar to what I use when I'm making bolognaise, but without the meat really... and then popping that on top of some other veges... maybe some slivers of zucchini or mushrooms. It'd be good on eggplant if you like eggplant... I don't.

OH! I just realised - RATATOUILLE! I might make that too. Minus the eggplant. Ratatouille is yummy and from the top of my head, it should be easy enough to make Pre-Op friendly. So yay! Glad I blogged this or else I wouldn't have even thought of that. lol.

Well, like I said, if I come up with anything interesting, I'll share it. It's not going to be anything a normal person would want to eat, but it might be useful to someone on their pre-op diet... especially since some people seem to have to be on those for far longer than 2 weeks (you have my sympathies).

Stomach-Churning Shakes, Slacking off but doing well and 2 Weeks Pre-Op Stats...

So, first day of Optifast and OMG it's revolting. Not that I wasn't prepared for that, because I was... but it's worse than I had expected. Not the taste as such, because it's not nice but it's not enough to make me be sick. It's more the way it settles in my stomach. My stomach's not very happy with it, so it's been making me feel kinda queasy afterwards. I'm hoping this goes away, because it's just horrid.

Anyway, I have stuck to my word and haven't really ventured back to EB. I did go back once after my post here because I had an eMail saying I had a new PM there, so went to check that out. While I was there I did check on my thread to see what that had turned into... and meh. It was locked. Nothing exciting.

Otherwise, I haven't gone back to it, and while I do miss the fact that there's some interesting topics from time-to-time, I don't miss copping shit each and every time I make a post.

DP is off at the mines, and not enjoying it. It sucks because I miss him a lot and him being away has just made me realise how much I enjoy having him around. Very much looking forward to seeing him again, when he comes home, but it'll be horrible to say goodbye and send him back there.

I went out to dinner on Saturday night as well, as I said I would. We went to a nice Italian place and I really enjoyed my meal. I also met some lovely guys (all gay). One was incredibly beautiful - he looked like James Franco if James Franco was obviously into men. His smile was the same as his, and his eyes too... he was just divine. Most gay boys I know are though - the bitches. They're always so bitchy and pretty... I just adore them. I had a great night meeting them all, and had a few girls crack onto me too, which was new for me. Usually I get told I look "too straight," for that, so I was pleasantly suprised. A drunk (straight) girl tried to kiss me though, and I just wasn't interested... I was holding her upright because she'd otherwise fall over, but I was also worried she'd spew on me she was so off her face. Poor sod.

I dunno what I've done, it must have been my wedges, but my legs are killing me. I've done something to my hip too... the left side of it hurts like hell and I'm limping like an eldery man. Sleep is beginning to be a bit of an issue too, so I hope I get a good night's sleep tonight because the past few nights I've hardly slept at all and I feel like absolute crap.

I'm also considering checking out gyms now. Not sure if I should do it now, or wait until after my surgery. There's one just down the road that I could easily walk to, but given I'll be getting my car not long after my op, I don't know if I should wait and then shop around and find the best one for me. I'm still not sure if I want a female-only gym or not... I'm actually not sure I even care about whether or not men are there. I think I'm more paranoid that women will be judging me than men will be. Sometimes I wish there was a plus-size gym, exclusively for the use of fatties and former fatties... lol. Of course, letting people know you got to the fat gym would be a bit humiliating... lol. Ahhh stupid thoughts, my brain is full of them.

My uni course is nearly over too. Well, not the course... just this study period. I've got an assignment due in 2-ish weeks, and an open-book exam that I can do from about Saturday to Tuesday sometime, so I'll definitely have to get cracking there. So far I've been doing quite well too - I dunno if I've mentioned my results here or not, but I've recieved distinctions for all 3 assignments I've handed in so far. Given I'm kind of slack with it, I think they're fantastic results. It's how I was in school though - I never did as much work as I could/should have, but still did well. So, pleased regardless. It just means that if I put in more effort I'd do better. At least it's better than working my arse off and barely passing I suppose. I hate that I have no motivation to do anything though, and hope that I start to actually study more next units (which I think are News and Politics and... I dunno what the other one is, it's something to do with Screen Analysis I think).

I can't believe that in 2 weeks I'll be in hospital having a portion of my stomach removed. I'm actually getting a bit nervous about it, thinking to myself, "Are you seriously going to go through with this?" every so often. It's a scary thing because it's not reversible, so I'm stuck with this decision for life... so I try to remind myself that it's better to have a small stomach than to be suffering from obesity for all my life.

So I guess I'll do stats... since I might lose weight on Opti.

Weight: 107.2kg
Heaviest Weight: 110kg
Lightest Adult Weight: 83kg
Height: 161cm (it seems to go 1cm either side, so I'll use this one in the middle instead)

Bust: 120.5cm
Under Bust: 100cm
Waist: 101.5cm
Hips: 125.5cm

Neck: 38.5cm

Left Wrist: 19.5cm
Right Wrist: 19cm

Left Forearm (fullest part): 31cm
Right Forearm (fullest part): 30cm

Left Upper Arm (fullest part): 42cm
Right Upper Arm (fullest part): 41cm

Left Ankle: 29cm
Right Ankle: 28cm

Left Calf (fullest part): 49cm
Right Calf (fullest part): 47.5cm

Left Thigh (fullest part): 76cm
Right Thigh (fullest part): 74cm

Dress Size: 16/18 according to City Chic. Most of my clothes come from there, because they tend to cater to my bust fairly well, but the clothes that I do wear from other shops are a 16 in a stretchy top, or an 18 without stretch in dresses/pants...  so I'd guess I'm about an 18. My underwear and PJs are an 18 and fit very comfortably, so I suppose that would be my size.

I guess that's all that I can really measure that will change with time. It'll be good to be able to keep track of those too, even if my weight doesn't alter much, because I still may lose cms. My bust measurement is also with a bra on, though I think it's about the same without a bra. My thigh measurement is also the very top of my thigh, where I have some very loose, soft flesh on my inner thigh... so I'm not exactly sure what will happen there. I'm hoping to god that it disappears because it's not very pretty. I wasn't sure whether to measure that fleshy part or the firmer part of my thigh, which is only a tiny bit further down, but I've chosen to include the soft flesh in the hopes that it disappears and I can record that.

Anyway, there you have it... my stats at the start of my Opti journey and 2 weeks pre-op.

The reason the blog shut-down... and why it's public again.

If you tried to log on yesterday evening, you'll have noticed that my blog had been set to private. It was going to remain that way until I'd figured out the invite-only thing, but I have since decided for it to remain public. I have removed 2 blog posts which I agree were not exactly the best thing to be sharing with the world. The rest will remain as is.

So why did I shut the blog down overnight? Well, I discovered page upon page of criticism and name-calling on a forum. Since they feel it okay to mention me, I think it fair I mention them. There is a forum, a spin-off from EB it seems, where a bunch of members get together for what appears to the sole purpose of bitching about others. Some comments are downright nasty, some seem very meme-like in that it's the same old joke brought up over and over again... etc etc. Regardless, there was some nastiness in there about me, and it really upset me.

I've always viewed me blog as a place for me to write about whatever I feel like - and if people didn't want to read, then they were free to simply not access it. If people did want to read however, here it was. I've been told by some people that they do enjoy my blog, that they are inspired by it (though I'm not particularly sure why) and that I say what they are thinking. So, I'm continuing it publically.

I will no longer frequent EB though - they can continue to waste their time tracking down my posts and reading/discussing my blog if they want... but I do not want to have to deal with them and it seems avoiding EB (and their bitchy forum) is probably the best way to go about that. I'll still be elsewhere online, however. Comments will no longer be anonymous either - if people want to say nasty things, then they will have to do so with a name attached.

Anyway, the blog will be remaining open and public and the posts will continue in the same style they always have - even if that means posting things others deem inappropriate. This blog is not required reading, so if you do not feel that the content is appropriate for your delicate sensibilities, then perhaps it's best you don't continue to read.

Thank you to everyone who has been kind and positive, I really appreciate your comments and advice and support.

Saying goodbye to a Lifelong Friend...

I'm into my last week of normal eating before my surgery. Next Monday I'll be on the pre-op Optifast diet, and in under 3 weeks I'll be in hospital getting my sleeve done.

So, the time comes for me to farewell a lifelong friend. This friend has been there through good times and bad, has listened to me cry tears of sorrow, has cheered me up when I'm feeling blue, has let me know they're there for me when nobody else seems to be. Unfortunately, this friend has also kicked me when I'm down, taken over my life and has made me very dependant. Yep, my friend Food.

I have a love/hate relationship with Food as so far I've been willing to put up with it, but the time has come to say goodbye. Not forever - I'll still spend time with Food from time-to-time, but our relationship will not be the same again. I will not head to Food for comfort, I will not depend on Food for support, and I'll be spending much less time with Food.

It'll be a tough break though, so I am spending this week saying farewell to Food, reliving some memories we shared and spending some time together for old time's sake.

As silly as this all sounds, that's exactly what it's like. Food has always been there when I needed it, and now I've got to say goodbye, and as absurd as it sounds, it's a little bit scary and it's a sad thing. As much as I hate Food, I love it too... so this "letting go," thing is a process.

It sounds so very counter-productive to enjoy eating whatever I damn well please pre-op, but it's not a physical issue - it's a psychological one. I need to mourn my relationship with food, and I need to let it go. I feel that the best way for me to do this is to not deprive myself, to have some yummy eating experiences, and then to feel like I've gotten all I need from Food so I can move on.

Yes, I've given food a capital F... because Food really is like a person to me... the way I've used it anyway.

Strange though it might be, I'm actually finding saying goodbye a lot easier by looking at my meals as, "this is my last McDonalds meal..." etc etc. So I can enjoy it fully, so I have my opportunity to properly say goodbye. Yes, I do need to say goodbye. I need to grieve the loss of this friend, I need to let Food go because if I don't, then how will I cope emotionally when Food's not there for me post-op? I think I need to accept that our relationship is over, or at least completely different, to be able to better to deal with everything emotionally.

It's not about pigging out - I don't have intentions to binge. I'm just replacing some of my usual meals with favourite versions - I mean, instead of having a vegemite sandwich for lunch, I might have a ham, cheese and tomato sandwich instead, because I enjoy that more. We're still eating boring things - I had meatballs and salad for dinner last night and that's definitely not something that I particularly enjoy... but when I can choose something a bit tastier, I'm going to go for it, because I've only got this time left until things change.

I know lots of people do not understand this feeling - but I'm also hopeful that those who've been in this position, waiting for your operation to happen, do understand it. Thinking of it like saying goodbye to a friend is a really easy way for me to process it, and I honestly think that with this last week of enjoyment in eating whatever I please, I am making it easier for myself. I already feel, inside, that this is helping... I find myself feeling a lot less worried about not being able to eat like this again... it's taking a nice, slow pace and it's working for me.

So goodbye Food... let's enjoy this last week we have together, but after that, you and I won't be spending so much time together with you anymore.

Telling Dad, Copping the Blame (unfairly!) and Dinner with a Pretty Boy

Well... someone else knows about WLS now. My Dad. I didn't want to tell him originally - his words of weight loss wisdom always seemed to be, "Eat well and exercise," and I expected him to say similar if I told him about the surgery. Well, I only told him today because he was mentioning how we don't have much of a bond (it's true) and how he feels like he doesn't know much about my life etc... so I felt that way I was opening up a bit of a door and saying, "Look, here's something you didn't know... I am sharing."

Now, I know it's probably hard for you guys to believe, but I'm not really an open book IRL. I generally don't let people close to me know that much about me... because they're generally not that supportive. It's not that they're incredibly insensitive, at least not intentionally, but they're just so different that they can't understand where I'm coming from... and I just find it easier to not go into my whole life story with them. I smile, I nod, I add tiny tidbits, but generally I don't go too much into myself, my feelings, etc etc.

So, I did. I let him know what I was doing. He was... well, he was probably more supportive than I had thought he'd be, but still not as supportive as I'd have liked, I guess. He basically asked me if I had researched, if I knew that I could "go right back to this size," etc. Now, I don't necessarily agree with that - gain weight, sure, but not go down to a healthy weight only to get back up to the 100s. I don't think that's exactly possible or likely... but he stressed that it was, that he knew people who had done it (I think he may have gotten the sleeve confused with the band though tbh), etc... so I just left it. I said, "Yep," to get him to stop arguing, and left it alone. He said I had to do what I had to do, and that was that.

He said he'll come visit me in hospital if I remind him of the dates closer to the time... so that might be nice. Maybe. I dunno, my relationship with my father is weird. I love him, but he can be unintentionally hurtful. I mean, with my last post for example, that whole issue with my brother... well, that's why Dad called. He'd gone over to see my brother, read those messages and others (others that I no longer have stored, so I dunno wtf he was actually reading) and then questioned me about them. He pointed out that I was "in the wrong," too (by saying the c-word and also be referring to the baby as "spawn" - which I agree was nasty, and intentionally so - but IMO, it wasn't that bad COMPARED to the things he said to me both in those messages I re-posted here, or IRL/previously). Dad basically blamed us both for the issues... and that really pissed me off because as far as I can see, I did very little wrong. I bit back when my brother was a jerk, but I went out of my way before that to try and be polite and civil... so I still see myself as pretty fault-free, and having my dad blame it all on us BOTH really irritated me. He's a bit "water off a duck's back," when it comes to people being hurtful, but I'm not at all like that... I get incredibly offended, particularly when my child, my parenting or my intelligence are attacked.

Anyway, Dad now knows. Only time will tell in regards to whether or not that was a good decision.

I'm also about a week away from my pre-op diet... so today I had what I called, "My last McDonalds," and "My last sushi." lol. DP reminded me that I wasn't going to the chair - this wasn't my last meal ever - but I dunno, as a food-lover, eating tasty things for what will be the last time (at least for a very long time anyway) is a little sad... like saying goodbye to a friend... even though it's the kind of friend who destroys your life. You still have a close relationship, regardless of how toxic it is.

Speaking of last meals, I'm going to be alone for my last "normal food," day pre-op as DP will be at the mines... so I've decided to go out to dinner with a friend. I'll have to organise for someone to take care of my daughter, but I've given my friend orders to pick a good restaurant and take me out to dinner. I haven't seen him for a while, so it'll be fun. We might go out clubbing or something afterwards, I dunno. It depends if he wants to I suppose. He loves clubbing, but whether or not he wants boring me tagging along is another story I guess. He's young and free and gay and fabulous... and beautiful. He's actually a previous fatty too - now he's this gorgeous skinny thing that all the boys want. He did it naturally (so he claims), so I'm kind of in awe. From about 150kg to I'd guess about 75kg. He's just a stunner... much prettier than me, that's for sure. lol.

Why I am Vain, but not Naive:

Yep, TWO posts in a day... aren't you lucky? lol.

Well, I came online, checked my eMail and saw I had a comment. YAY! In case you can't be bothered searching for it, it was from my previous entry today and read:

Being that vain (as you put it) can't be a nice way to live.
From personal experience I know that the weight loss is not going to fix your problems. If you want to be a healthy, well rounded (not in the fleshy way lol!), well liked person you are going to have to do some serious work with a councelor. After a while people will stop saying "wow! you look fantastic!" and then what? Will you be happy to just live your life or will you strive to find something else to make them stand up and take notice?
I hope you get what you need :)

Now I have no issues with what this person wrote, so if you wrote this, please don't think you've upset or offended me or that I'm angry with you or whatever... you just triggered something in me.

Basically, I wonder if those reading this blog see me as naive and stupid. Or those I speak to elsewhere about my WLS too I suppose. Just anyone really. Do I truly come across as thinking that weight loss will solve all my life's problems?

If I do, then please know that this is simply a case of me not presenting myself well enough. The fact is, I know that the only thing weight loss will solve is how much space I take up when laying in bed. I mean, I will also likely become somewhat more attractive to the majority of the opposite sex with weight loss (since, sadly, we're sold the message that skinny is ideal and fat is revolting - something that I have unintentionally taken on inside myself), and I will also probably find life more comfortable (in regards to moving about)... but generally, I know that weight loss will just mean losing weight. Not problem-solving. I have no illusions about waking up skinny and being incredibly happy with my life and all it entails.

As I've said before, I've lost a chunk of weight in the past. That 27kg I lost in 2008 as a result of starving/purging over 2-3 months. That's a lot of weight in a short amount of time, and trust me when I say that weight loss did not bring me great happiness. There were things I was happier with - I must say I did enjoy the attention I recieved, but I also DISLIKED it as well. When you get into a taxi and have drivers hitting on you, it's just not something you can be happy with - it's uncomfortable, at best, and you just want to be left alone. If you want to be hit on, you go to a club... not get in a taxi where you're trapped with some strange guy.

Anyway, that's kinda beside the point... but basically, I was no happier having lost 27kg than I was before I lost it. I was happier that shopping was easier. I was more comfortable (and could easily wear heels for hours without feeling like my feet were dying) and people treated me better. However, the fact that people treated me nicer actually made things worse. Believe it or not, I think my body hate got WORSE at that point... because it made things clear to me: It didn't matter who I was inside - all that mattered was the packaging. I had evidence of that - I hadn't changed who I was as a person, I was just smaller... but people seemed to treat me so much better, and that just made me feel like absolute shit. I had always thought that my weight caused some social issues - but now I had proof of it. It sucked.

BEFORE I lost that 27kg, I was okay with doing stuff regardless of my size - like going swimming. I popped my bathing suit on and got on with it. Since then, however, I've only done it a few times and only because I felt like it was something I absolutely had to do for my daughter's sake. Were it not for her, I would never be seen in swimwear again.

Post-op I plan on accessing my psychologist again if I feel I need her. I have anxiety. I'm not sure if I've mentioned that in here before, but I suffer an anxiety disorder that is closely linked to my body image. This developed when I was at the lower end of my adult weight. My lowest adult weight was 83kg. I developed these issues at about 85kg, which is where I sat for over a year after I got there. That is not light, but any means, but it is a fair bit lighter than I currently am, and than I have been at my heaviest. The lower end, having been shown just how important my looks are to others, is where my extreme body images began. Let's not be silly - they've always been crazy, but not so bad as they were at that stage.

I am on medication for my anxiety. It makes life a lot easier, and I suppose it actually makes it a lot easier for me to focus on lighter topics (like what I'll be able to wear after I lose weight) than what other problems I may discover when I lose my excess weight.

My weight is not my only issue - I know that it's a cycle... I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat... so I guess it's a "what came first, the chicken or the egg?" type of question... but I do feel that I need to GET RID OF the weight in order to deal with the other issues. I guess I can explain it best like talking about a bulletin board.

On this bulletin board, someone has stuck a big poster over the top of all the little notes... so you can't really see what's underneath, all you can see is the big poster. The big poster is my weight. I cannot see the problems beyond it because it's such a HUGE DEAL to me, that it covers up everything else... making it the only problem I can see/focus on. If I get rid of THAT, then I think I have a better chance of seeing what other issues (notes) are there and dealing with those as well.

I suspect underneath I'll find some issues that help me to understand just exactly WHY I am so focussed on how I look, and how much I weigh... and perhaps why I treat that pain with food. I'm hoping if I can remove the issue of the weight, then I can focus on everything else and begin to fix myself. I've tried to fix myself already, but it's hard to when you don't even know what the problems are, because the only problem that I can clearly see is "fat." It's clear to me that I need to get "fat" out of the way, so that I can solve everything else, or at least learn to deal.

I am not arguing that I am not vain - I do enjoy dressing up and looking nice and having people think I'm looking good... but it's not like these are the only things I think about. I DO love clothes. I DO want people to tell me I look amazing after I lose my weight. I DO plan on dressing like I'm hot shit once I get to somewhere close to what I might consider a "goal weight."

I guess I just wanted to point out that there is more here than just being a vapid tosser who thinks that weight loss will result in eternal inner peace. I'm not expecting that - I'm just expecting to give the rest of my issues some time in the limelight.

Wowing, New Dress Happiness and Finally Accepting I'm a Vain Twit

Does every fat person look forward to the day when they can show up at a get-together or some sort, and "wow," everyone with their weight loss? I know it's not just me, but I wonder if it's something that just about every person trying to lose a decent amount of weight thinks about.

I have 2 groups of people I want to "wow."

My relatives (on my father's side) get together annually sometime close to Christmas... usually November, so it's not TOO close to Christmas. Anyway, there's a general saying about how girls in our family are fat/chubby/etc from the get-go... and the boys are all weedy and then get fat later on in life (mid-20s ish, usually). So basically, all of those with that blood in us are fat at one point or another.

I cannot wait to go to a family get-together and NOT be a fat girl of our family... but to be reasonably SLIM but still a part of the family. It's not that anyone's specifically mocked ME above the rest of the girls in our family, but I just don't want to be another face in the crowd. I want to be different. I am different in other ways already - they all think I'm a weird hippy, and I've always been on a different wavelength... I just don't want to blend in because I look like one of them. I want to look different. I don't even know why tbh.

I suspect this year there'll not be any "wow," moments because although I'll have lost weight by the time the get-together comes, it won't be an amazing amount that will stun everyone... so I'm hanging out for NEXT YEAR when that'll hopefully happen. Even if nobody says anything about it to me, I just want to feel that they notice.

In 2 years I'll have been out of school for 10 years. I have no idea if a reunion of any sort will be organised, but if it is, I want to show up SLIM. I've never been slim, and never was in high school... and some people were a bit cruel about this. I want to rock up and look good, and have something to show for myself too. I don't have any amazing career or anything happening yet, so I can't do a "stick this up your jumper!" to them all about that... so at the very least, I just want to look good.

As you can see, I'm vain. I didn't think I was vain previously... but all this blogging has taught me that I am actually really bloody vain. It's embarrassing how focused on my appearance I am... as if I will be "better," than others if I look better than I currently do. Rationally, I know this isn't true, but I suppose it's how I've always felt, it's just that being physically attractive has always been a distant goal... something that I would not reach, and something that I needn't bother with, so instead I just agonise over how hideous I find myself. Now though, it seems like it's a possibility for me. I'll never look like I belong in a men's magazine or anything (not that I really want that, but hopefully you know what I mean), but I will at least look a lot better than I currently do... and I really hope that it suits me. I've always felt like a pretty girl in an ugly girl's body...

GOD! I am so freaking vain. lol. I almost make myself sick with all this "I wanna be beautiful," nonsense... but it's all true which is the sad part.

I can tell you that I want this surgery for health all I want - and I do... I want to live long and I want to be physically well... BUT if I could have surgery to make me physically well and allow me to live comfortably but never to lose weight and look good, I wouldn't take it. I would not have this surgery if not for the promise of looking smaller. Health is a great bonus... comfort is another bonus that will be much appreciated... but how I'll look is the biggest reward for me, and that's just pathetic.

I am a sick product of society I think... and then I have feminism living in one part of my brain, but patriarchy hiding out in another. I'm all mixed up inside... being a bit of this and a bit of that... not really making much sense. I also suspect this post will make little sense to anyone but me - so I apologise if this is all too confusing.

After the above, a change of subject, something lighter, seemed like a good idea... and then I realised that my choice of new subject would have been just as superficial as my wanting to be skinnier above all else... but I'll post it anyway, because I suppose being shallow is just a part of me, albeit a part I've denied having for as long as I can remember. Best accept it - I'm a shallow bitch. *sigh*

Well anyway, I went shopping yesterday... I need new clothes, but it's so hard because I know what I buy now won't fit later... so do I buy to fit now, or later? Well, I needed clothes now, so I got something to fit for now. I spent $120 on a dress... I don't know why, I never spend that kind of money on clothes, but I guess I figured I'd only wear it for a short time then flog it off on eBay, where City Chic clothes re-sell fairly well. Yep, again with the City Chic. lol.

Well here it is:

Isn't it pretty?

I'd post a pic of me wearing it for you all, but my camera needs new batteries. It looks a bit darker in real life... it's a really nice colour though. The weather is getting a bit warmer, and a lot of my stuff just isn't Winter-friendly, plus I lost some buttons off one of my skirts, and can't wear it until I can get some new ones... plus I'm generally feeling quite ugly lately, so a new dress might help that... yes, I am that bad that a new pretty dress can brighten my mood considerably.

I also got some PJs for the hospital. I have PJs, but the kind that I could easily pop a boob out of while sleeping, and I do not really want that happening in hospital. I got a summer dressing gown (robe?) thing too so I can still wear my dodgy PJs but keep my bits adequately covered. Made sure to get a drawstring waist in the pants so they can worn even with weight loss. I predict this Summer will be an expensive one due to needing new clothes in new sizes for the new season.

Thanks also to Lyric - whoever you are - for sending me a link in the comments of a previous post. I read through the thread you linked to... and it's so sad to see that I am not alone in feeling rubbish about how I look. I really have no sole person to blame for my issues though - I can see where some of my problems may have come about, but not anything particularly specific... I guess I covered some of it in my first posts about how I became the way I am... but I guess I have no real idea just WHERE these issues arose or else they might be easier to deal with. Regardless, I appreciate your comment/link.

Reader Love, Abandoned for a Big Hole in the Ground and Adorable Little Flats

Wow, it's getting so close now! A little over a month away until I end up with far less stomach than I currently have and will be well on my way to permanent weight loss and a permanent health change as well (I hope!).

Oh - before I go into too much else, TO THOSE WHO LEAVE ME COMMENTS: Thank you so much! As much as some of the things I saw here are the kinds of things you kind of don't want others reading, I actually do like the fact that there ARE people reading whatever I've got to ramble on about, so I really appreciate it. I haven't replied to any recent comments because I can't... I don't know why, but my replies just won't post... so wanted to thank you guys in here instead. So yeah, your comments are much appreciated and make me feel like I must matter, at least a little bit... I mean, after all, you're taking time out of your day to visit my blog and I totally appreciate it.

...

So anyway, not too long away from surgery! In less then 20 days now, I'll be on my pre-op diet as well... which should be... erm... fun. Expect a billion and one updates during that period because I suspect I'll be cranky, and also lonely too. Why? Well, my partner is disappearing to the mines during this whole ordeal. He has my blessing, because it'll help financially, a LOT, but it does mean I'll be spending this horribly emotional time on my own. My mother is going to take care of me post-op (and my daughter while I'm actually in hospital) so I'll be taken care of regardless, but I am used to have B (that's the boyfriend) around so not having him here will no doubt be a bit of a struggle, especially as I starve myself silly on the pre-op diet.

That said, it may make things easier too. I'll only have to prepare one kid-sized meal for DD each night rather than cooking and entire family dinner, so that will possibly make it a bit easier. I'll try and feed her extra healthily but not-so-tastily... lol. Nah, I'll just feed her stuff I don't particularly enjoy myself but that she likes... so it's less of a temptation.

I've also called up the hospital to see who my anaesthetist is, and have found out a quote for the anaesthetic fees. The "rough estimate," my surgeon (Dr Greenslade) offered me was $1500 (before Medicare rebates). Still, that suggests you PAY $1500 and then get about $700-ish back from Medicare/health insurance. Well... I am luckier still! I pay ONLY $435.70. That's it. I pay this before my operation (I have until 24 hours prior to pay it) and that's all I have to pay. I rang up to confirm this as I was like, "wtf? that can't be right," but no, I am assured that it's ALL I will be paying them. YAY! They take all health fund costs and Medicare rebates from the fee before I pay, but even so, that's still a lot less than I had expected! So honestly, I am thrilled. Thank you members of Gastric Sleeve Support  for your recommendations of Dr Greenslade, and thank you Dr Greenslade for booking me in on a day you use a cheap anaesthetist! lol.

In other news, you guys will know my blood pressure has been a bit of an issue. Well... for some unknown reason it doesn't seem to be bothering me at the moment. My GP had organised for me to have a 24 hour blood pressure monitor on to record my BP every 1/2 hour (every hour after I went to bed) for 24 hours. GOD it was annoying, having that bitch squeeze the hell out of my arm, especially as I'd try to sleep. I'd lay there... FINALLY about to doze off... before hearing a soft "beep," and the damn thing inflating yet again to try and squeeze my upper arm so hard I woke up scared someone was trying to strange me but had my arm confused for my neck (lol).

Anyway, the results of that whole test aren't known to me yet and won't be for a week or so yet, but I did check the results every so often when it would check me. My HIGHEST reading seemed to be about 155/90. High, but far from the 200/120 I've seen before. It also spent most of its time around 140/65.. which I think it pretty damn good really. Perhaps my body just went nuts for a while and is okay again? I have no idea, but I'm happy it seems normal again regardless.

And hey... I embarrassed my body in my last post, so how about I embarrass my brain for a bit?

I got the Target catalogue in the mail last week sometime, and as I flicked through, I saw these shoes and drooled...

Vintage-inspired, bows AND flats... in beautiful colours! YAY!

They're FIFTEEN BUCKS! I was all, "So going to get all 4 pairs on the weekend," and have had the catalogue at my desk since, occasionally flicking through to drool some more.

Until last night.

I was rambling on to B about them, and told him I had to show him (explaining to him that I understood he didn't give 2 hoots about shoes, but that I look at his boring crap all the time, so he can at least feign interest and look at the photo).

I flicked the shoe section, and alas they were not there. I KNEW they were the catalogue, but why weren't they alongside the other shoes?

Then I realise.

THEY. ARE. KIDS. SHOES.

*dies*