Okay so had my appointment with another GP... figured I'd update you all...
She was pretty bloody thorough so I'm very happy. Also noted that I haven't had a papsmear in about 5 years (tsk tsk Stacey!), so recommended I have another. I have no issues having it done... I just hadn't found a doctor I liked well enough to have them poke around down there. First impressions have left me trusting this doctor enough to have her do it, which sounds kinda weird when you think about it, but I'll probably be having one of those done soon.
Anyway, that's not even why I went there...
She tested my blood pressure while I was sitting, standing and laying down, and it was pretty much the same each time (few points this way or that) so she's sure it's an issue. She said it's REALLY high and it's quite dangerous for me to be out and about untreated for this... I think she was a bit disappointed in her fellow doctor when I explained that he'd basically fobbed me off about my BP in the past.
She asked a bunch of questions... including questions about facial and body hair. How embarrassing to admit to anyone (and yeah, I'm about to admit it online, but meh... online always seems less awkward that face-to-face) that yes, I have 4 hairs that grow on my face in regular spots (2 under my chin, 1 on my neck and one on the side of nose, though the last one is not black but clear... but gets really really long). Also that, yes, I do grow hair on my bottom. And on my nipples. And on my tummy. Not just regular hair mind you - everyone has that - but gross thick, black hair.
Now I'm pale with dark hair anyway, so hair naturally stands out on me... she pointed out my arm hair, but I assured her I'd always had that... not sure if it's because I've always had "issues," or what, I just think it's how my arm hair naturally grows as a result of my colouring, not anything being wrong with me. The other things though... well, I think she was hinting at PCOS.
She prodded my stomach, and I'm assuming that's to feel my ovaries, but I don't know if she found anything useful by doing that. There's layers of fat to contend with there, but also loose, flappy skin as a result of having my daughter. It was a little tender too... but again, I've become used to it so I don't know whether that was something which was cause for concern or not. She didn't give much away in her facial expressions, and I suspect that was intentional.
She asked other things, and I admitted that I am mostly exhausted despite doing nothing to warrant such exhaustion... explaining to her that I could happily spend all day long asleep... and then the night too (I didn't admit that I HAVE done this sometimes since my daughter started school... because, well, I'm ashamed that I'm so damn lazy as to do that!). I also mentioned that sometimes my heart thumps so hard in my chest when all I'm doing is sitting still. You know when you run and it pounds? Well, it's like that, only I'm doing nothing more than sitting still.
I also sweat easily. Just walking can have me sweating. I explained that I wondered if this might be just because I'm obese, but also explained that even if that was the case, it is different to how things were for me when I was even bigger than I am now, because back then, sweating wasn't an issue despite being heavier than I currently am.
There were some other things said and mentioned... I can't remember exactly what right now... but basically I've been sent for testing.
She wants me to be tested for PCOS, so I've got blood tests and a urine test for that (I assume that is what those tests are for) as well as having my thyroid checked again. Last time (October last year) it was fine... but on the higher end of fine, so she wants to make sure that's okay. I'm assuming she also wants to check my cholesterol considering that was high last time as well.
I'll also be heading for a renal scan. Yep, scan of my heart. She says that even if I was 50kg heavier and lived on junk food alone, I shouldn't have such high blood pressure at my age... but said that there are some young people who suffer from something wrong with their arteries near their heart (from what she said, I assume it was something one is born with) and thus their blood pressure sky-rockets. So, that'll be tested too.
I'm also to stop taking the pill for at least a month. Yay. Condoms. Hurrah. *rolls eyes* Anyway, I'll have to do that because she wants to check my hormone levels.
Oh yeah - that's another thing she asked about - discharge from my nipples. I can squeeze some liquid (slightly yellow-tinged clear stuff) from my right nipple... so I'm assuming that means something to her?
Anyway, it sounds like my body is basically doing a "Screw You!" to me, so I hope that there is nothing seriously wrong. The idea of PCOS is scary, because I don't want to have issues falling pregnant when I choose to (though I admit, I know very little about PCOS at all). I also don't want heart issues though... because who wants heart issues?
She says she'll probably put me on medication as soon as I've done the blood, urine and renal scan though... she just needs me to do these things first, without medication, to see what's going on.
I am so glad that she actually took the time to listen to me and appreciate my concerns... and then send me off to figure out wtf is wrong.
Still, I am now quite worried because I don't want there to be anything wrong...
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Cardigan-modelling and Waterslides...
City Chic has now got up to 75% off their stuff! Yesterday the website crashed because SO MANY people were on there trying to buy stuff... so I went in store instead. I didn't know what I'd find, but ended up with 2 jackets for $60... which is pretty damn good! I didn't get my red cardi, but got another red cardi... I still like the other more, but this is probably warmer anyway. Also got my green one delivered today too... so yay! 3 Winter items to keep me warm.
So anyway, I am pretty pleased with my Winter wardrobe thus far... but I must say, that I know I don't actually look THAT FAT in those photos... which I know is why some people think I'm actually not THAT fat after all. Now I know I'm not "need to be removed from home with crane," fat, but I think I just know how to pose and dress for my size and shape mostly. I also generally wear nice clothes these days... in the past, I didn't even bother trying to look nice because I couldn't see the point. Now I at least try.
I am still big though. No idea how heavy today because DP did something with the scales so I dunno where they are... but I know I'm far from little! I think I photo well front-on too compared to side on. Side on and I look fatter...
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| Sorry for crap quality, but this is my new cardi. |
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| My green cardi was delivered today too! |
I think they look pretty nice. I'm wearing the red one today, just popped the other for a photo. Also figure I'll share a pic of the other jacket I got...
So anyway, I am pretty pleased with my Winter wardrobe thus far... but I must say, that I know I don't actually look THAT FAT in those photos... which I know is why some people think I'm actually not THAT fat after all. Now I know I'm not "need to be removed from home with crane," fat, but I think I just know how to pose and dress for my size and shape mostly. I also generally wear nice clothes these days... in the past, I didn't even bother trying to look nice because I couldn't see the point. Now I at least try.
I am still big though. No idea how heavy today because DP did something with the scales so I dunno where they are... but I know I'm far from little! I think I photo well front-on too compared to side on. Side on and I look fatter...
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| Exhibit A (lol) |
Regardless, I am quite short and my weight is bothersome at the moment. So bothersome that it's making life difficult and uncomfortable. I don't expect to be tiny... I just want to be smaller. Small enough to feel comfortable.
I'm also sick of avoiding stuff I want to do. I mean, I live in Qld and our Summers can be pretty bloody hot... but going somewhere that involves me being in swimwear just doesn't really feel like an option. Instead of enjoying the water, I'll just be there worrying about how disgusting people must find me, looking at all the other women around my age with their perfect bodies. Even when they're not perfect, they're still damn sight better than mine is.
DP rang me up before to tell me he was passing Dreamworld/White Water World on the way to a worksite (just to tell me how far away he'd driven mostly), and commented that White Water World had some interesting-looking slides. I've decided that when I've lost enough weight to not feel like a whale with lycra stretched over it, I'm going to go to WWW and enjoy those interesting-looking slides. I LOVE theme parks, but I hate being in togs... and I also dislike getting into rides because although I fit in them, a lot of time I JUST fit... and if it's one where I have to share a seat, I end up squashing the other people and it's just humiliating to know that it's my fat arse causing their discomfort.
Going to the dr today too. A different one to last time. Need my BP checked by someone else. It's so shocking lately, and I'm sick of feeling ignored. HOPEFULLY this time I'll get a better outcome. If not, I'll come home pissed and you'll all soon find out about it I'm sure.
Tomorrow is also the day for my first appt with Dr Greenslade! It's in the afternoon, so I won't have any news until the evening when I finally get home... but I HOPE TO GOD he agrees. I have no reason to believe he won't, but I'm the paranoid type who always worries about stuff going wrong, so I'm a little nervous and worried about it all. I'm sure it'll go smoothly though, and I'll book in a surgery date and just wait it out...
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The Sleeve will Come... Time to think of Other Things...
Firstly - how does this blog show up for you guys? Some have told me it's hard to read, but on my screen it's not... so I'm wondering if my computer is doing something to it that others aren't seeing? Mine has rainbow background, mostly green font, but there's a "shaded out" part behind the text so that you can still see the background, but it's really dull. Anyway, let me know so I can sort out any issues if it's difficult to read.
Secondly - appointment with Dr Greenslade this week! WOOHOO! Looking foward to it. Well, as much as you can. Not really sure what to expect... but whatever happens, it'll just be ME in there. I don't want anyone else in that room to see how much I weigh or whatever. Mum's going with me, but she's staying in the waiting room.
I've also got other things to think about now too - I've started Open Uni today. YAY!
Bachelor of Communication through Griffith. I'll be doing a major in Media Communications, with the intention of being in writing. Ideally, I'd be a fiction writer. Am I good enough though? I have no idea. I'd like to think so, but I guess it's hard to critically critique yourself. I'd actually love to be a screenwriter too - though I know that's perhaps the most unrealistic goal of all. lol.
I'm still on the hunt for the red cardigan - I'm scouring the internet to see if I can find it. To not avail. *sigh*
It's really weird - that before my money went through, before I got my referral, etc etc, all I could think about was the sleeve... now it's just a waiting game and I don't even think about it that often. In a way, I think I'm actually POSITIVE because I know I don't have to stress about it anymore. It'll happen... I just have to do stuff to occupy myself in the meantime. Uni will definitely cover that. I spend 2 hours just READING this morning... but today's just the first day so I know I've got a long way to go yet.
My last assessment will be 2nd September I think? Something like that. I'll have to make sure my surgery date is after then. Kind of works out well really, doesn't it? lol.
This is perhaps the most aimless, useless post here... ah well...
Secondly - appointment with Dr Greenslade this week! WOOHOO! Looking foward to it. Well, as much as you can. Not really sure what to expect... but whatever happens, it'll just be ME in there. I don't want anyone else in that room to see how much I weigh or whatever. Mum's going with me, but she's staying in the waiting room.
I've also got other things to think about now too - I've started Open Uni today. YAY!
Bachelor of Communication through Griffith. I'll be doing a major in Media Communications, with the intention of being in writing. Ideally, I'd be a fiction writer. Am I good enough though? I have no idea. I'd like to think so, but I guess it's hard to critically critique yourself. I'd actually love to be a screenwriter too - though I know that's perhaps the most unrealistic goal of all. lol.
I'm still on the hunt for the red cardigan - I'm scouring the internet to see if I can find it. To not avail. *sigh*
It's really weird - that before my money went through, before I got my referral, etc etc, all I could think about was the sleeve... now it's just a waiting game and I don't even think about it that often. In a way, I think I'm actually POSITIVE because I know I don't have to stress about it anymore. It'll happen... I just have to do stuff to occupy myself in the meantime. Uni will definitely cover that. I spend 2 hours just READING this morning... but today's just the first day so I know I've got a long way to go yet.
My last assessment will be 2nd September I think? Something like that. I'll have to make sure my surgery date is after then. Kind of works out well really, doesn't it? lol.
This is perhaps the most aimless, useless post here... ah well...
Friday, May 27, 2011
The Hunt for the Red Cardi...
Well, I got my loan money... FINALLY! Yay!
On Thursday I also have my first appointment with Dr Greenslade. I'm expecting it to go well. If it doesn''t... well, I'm sure you'll hear all about it. lol.
Not much has been going on with me because right now it's all about waiting. There's nothing left to organise really. Except my Winter wardrobe.
I'm fatter than last year... not a lot, but enough to make my jeans uncomfortable. It's hard though because I know I won't be fitting into the stuff I wear this Winter, next Winter... but at the same time, that's kind of making me want to spend up and buy nice stuff I can flog off on eBay when I'm done. Still, I don't want to go overboard, so instead of an entire new wardrobe, I'm just going to use my darker-coloured Summer stuff and pop a jacket/cardi over the top and team it with stockings for warmth.
I was PLANNING to order a bunch of stuff from the City Chic online sale... but could only score 1 item by the time I got around to actually ordering. Such a pain in the arse because I actually REALLY wanted a particular cardigan... and now it's gone. Really down about that and have been searching the internet high and low for one, new or used, but cannot find one anywhere. They don't even have it full price in my nearest store... not in my size anyway.
Also figured since I'm sharing City Chic photos, might as well share some of my Winter wardrobe so far...
On Thursday I also have my first appointment with Dr Greenslade. I'm expecting it to go well. If it doesn''t... well, I'm sure you'll hear all about it. lol.
Not much has been going on with me because right now it's all about waiting. There's nothing left to organise really. Except my Winter wardrobe.
I'm fatter than last year... not a lot, but enough to make my jeans uncomfortable. It's hard though because I know I won't be fitting into the stuff I wear this Winter, next Winter... but at the same time, that's kind of making me want to spend up and buy nice stuff I can flog off on eBay when I'm done. Still, I don't want to go overboard, so instead of an entire new wardrobe, I'm just going to use my darker-coloured Summer stuff and pop a jacket/cardi over the top and team it with stockings for warmth.
I was PLANNING to order a bunch of stuff from the City Chic online sale... but could only score 1 item by the time I got around to actually ordering. Such a pain in the arse because I actually REALLY wanted a particular cardigan... and now it's gone. Really down about that and have been searching the internet high and low for one, new or used, but cannot find one anywhere. They don't even have it full price in my nearest store... not in my size anyway.
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| This is the cardi I want. If you see it in an "S" anywhere, please let me know! |
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| This is what I've ordered... it's okay, but it's not like the lovely red cardi! |
I've also got a few more items but can't find them online. lol. Thinking about adding some more tops (I do own more than just that one grey top too btw...). I've also got a black denim pencil skirt (it's either black or really really dark navy), a few plain, boring tops and a printed halter-necked top with little red buttons on it that'd look cute with that red cardi!
I was going to to buy the plain black version of that red-spotted dress above too, but they ran out before I could place my order. It's SO stupid... I could have ordered them all, IF I had done it in the morning before I took Chanel to school and went shopping. Alas, I'm an idiot and instead waited until I got home that evening... and POOF! All gone except the little green-ish cardi.
I think I need more shoes too. I mostly wear ballet flats... but I wear them out so quickly, I never have enough colours. My faves at the moment are red (mostly because they go with most things I wear)... but I need some new colours, particularly if I'm going to wear tights during Winter. I need to find some good plus-size tights... plain black is all well and good, but it gets a bit boring. Might check out eBay and see what I can get...
Oh wow, a post about fashion rather than weight. Well, I guess it has something to do with weight really... considering it's all plus-sized gear that I wouldn't be able to wear if my weight wasn't an issue... but meh.
Actually, this'll be one thing I'll miss when I lose weight - because as you can see, I love City Chic. At least the skinnier alternatives will be cheaper though I suppose...
Monday, May 23, 2011
I don't think my body gives a shit what it SHOULD be doing...
I'm so annoyed with my doctor.
I think he's a nice guy, which is why I keep going to him. He's kind and he's rather fatherly... but I'm not sure he's a great doctor.
I've had high blood pressure for ages now, and he keeps shunting me. Last week when I saw him it was 155/116 (thereabouts - he did it a few times). He told me it could be that White Coat thing where you only get high BP when you're at the doctors... but at home it's normal... so asked me if I could get it checked at home and then come back in a week. Well, I didn't do it at home, but did it at the in-laws place because father-in-law has a BP monitor. I checked myself on it a few times during the week and it was always high. Highest being 180/117. That's heart-attack stuff right there.
Well, today I went back, and my reading was something like 160 (or 170, I can't remember now) over 112. Still bloody high.
However, instead of just putting me on meds, which is what I was expecting (and hoping for - I don't want to die at 25 from a stroke or heart attack!), he brushed me off AGAIN and told me to come back in a week AGAIN.
I think I'll go see someone else about it. I don't want to keep being brushed off and then die because he kept ignoring the problem.
The reason he ignores it? Because I "shouldn't be so high at your age." Um... my body doesn't seem to give a shit what it SHOULD be... it obviously IS this high at MY AGE... so do something about it dammit! If I was old, he'd have probably put me in hospital by now... or just loaded me up with drugs at the very least.
I've been googling the symptoms too, and it seems that I do have some hypertensive symptoms. Hypertension symptoms are fairly mild though which is probably why I didn't pay too much attention to them... but having read them, I now have a reason for why I feel the way I do.
I feel dizzy a lot of the time, for example. I always put that down to tiredness or something... I didn't think much about it, even though it's annoying. But apparently that's a symptom of hypertension.
Same with nausea. I feel sick a lot, but for no apparent reason... and the high BP could very well be that reason it seems. Again, I never bothered worrying about it because it's not something that completely destroys my life, but it's not pleasant either.
And then the tiredness. I am so freaking exhausted just from being alive... and no wonder! My body is spending all its energy making sure my heart pumps blood around my body... it doesn't have enough energy to do much else.
I think I'll go see someone else and get on some medication. I'd rather not go on medication, but I'd rather that than die... which is something I keep worrying about lately.
According to something I looked at a week (or more) ago, 82% of people who have weight loss surgery no longer have high blood pressure issues... something like that anyway. It was high anyway. I'm pretty sure it was 82%. Anyway, even if it's different, it's similarly high. So I mean, I guess another good reason to have my surgery... I'm not even worried about surgery. I'm just worried about dying before I get there thanks to my stinking blood pressure problems and my doctor not bothering to help me out with it other than sending me away all the damn time.
Let's hope I don't die before I next post... lol.
I think he's a nice guy, which is why I keep going to him. He's kind and he's rather fatherly... but I'm not sure he's a great doctor.
I've had high blood pressure for ages now, and he keeps shunting me. Last week when I saw him it was 155/116 (thereabouts - he did it a few times). He told me it could be that White Coat thing where you only get high BP when you're at the doctors... but at home it's normal... so asked me if I could get it checked at home and then come back in a week. Well, I didn't do it at home, but did it at the in-laws place because father-in-law has a BP monitor. I checked myself on it a few times during the week and it was always high. Highest being 180/117. That's heart-attack stuff right there.
Well, today I went back, and my reading was something like 160 (or 170, I can't remember now) over 112. Still bloody high.
However, instead of just putting me on meds, which is what I was expecting (and hoping for - I don't want to die at 25 from a stroke or heart attack!), he brushed me off AGAIN and told me to come back in a week AGAIN.
I think I'll go see someone else about it. I don't want to keep being brushed off and then die because he kept ignoring the problem.
The reason he ignores it? Because I "shouldn't be so high at your age." Um... my body doesn't seem to give a shit what it SHOULD be... it obviously IS this high at MY AGE... so do something about it dammit! If I was old, he'd have probably put me in hospital by now... or just loaded me up with drugs at the very least.
I've been googling the symptoms too, and it seems that I do have some hypertensive symptoms. Hypertension symptoms are fairly mild though which is probably why I didn't pay too much attention to them... but having read them, I now have a reason for why I feel the way I do.
I feel dizzy a lot of the time, for example. I always put that down to tiredness or something... I didn't think much about it, even though it's annoying. But apparently that's a symptom of hypertension.
Same with nausea. I feel sick a lot, but for no apparent reason... and the high BP could very well be that reason it seems. Again, I never bothered worrying about it because it's not something that completely destroys my life, but it's not pleasant either.
And then the tiredness. I am so freaking exhausted just from being alive... and no wonder! My body is spending all its energy making sure my heart pumps blood around my body... it doesn't have enough energy to do much else.
I think I'll go see someone else and get on some medication. I'd rather not go on medication, but I'd rather that than die... which is something I keep worrying about lately.
According to something I looked at a week (or more) ago, 82% of people who have weight loss surgery no longer have high blood pressure issues... something like that anyway. It was high anyway. I'm pretty sure it was 82%. Anyway, even if it's different, it's similarly high. So I mean, I guess another good reason to have my surgery... I'm not even worried about surgery. I'm just worried about dying before I get there thanks to my stinking blood pressure problems and my doctor not bothering to help me out with it other than sending me away all the damn time.
Let's hope I don't die before I next post... lol.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Almost sorted... Referral, Surgeon Appointment but no money yet... *sigh*
So... I have my referral from the GP! YAY! Was so much easier than I thought it'd be... I thought I'd basically have to fight for it. I went in armed with a huge list of stuff - reasons why I want to lose weight, methods I've tried to lose weight, why I have chosen the sleeve... blah blah. I only ended up using the part about methods I've tried though, because that's all he asked about. I got half way through reading my list and he was satisfied... I think he would have been fine if I didn't read it out either, he just wanted to do things properly. It seemed more like a formality than something he actually required.
I got home and then booked my appointment with Dr Greenslade. June 2, 3pm. That's a Thursday. Will be pulling Chanel out of school for that day I think, because I won't be able to make it to the appointment AND get her from school in time... it's a decent distance away from my house. Might see if my pregnant SIL can watch her while I go to the appointment, because I'd rather DD not come and be a pain in the neck (which she no doubt would be, because she'd be bored and annoyed she's not at school - my little nerd... lol).
Oh, just a random sidetracking - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJcTi1BBJT0 That's DD reading. Just bragging really - what better place to do it than my own little slice of the web?
So... yeah, appointment. Woohoo. Will cost $140, but get $70 back from Medicare.
STILL have yet to see my freaking loan money though. Rang them yesterday, apparently they may now need ID verification. I mean, wtf? Why not just tell me every damn thing you need AT ONCE so I can sort it out? Too bad if I needed this money quickly huh? Might call them in a minute to see wtf is going on... someone was supposed to ring me back yesterday (but didn't... how professional! *sigh*).
I'm so fat lately, but I'm kind of just sucking it up. I'll lose it soon enough.
Dr thinks I might need to take blood pressure meds too... my BP was shocking yesterday, but he's worried it could just be nerves and doesn't want to put me on meds unless I really do have BP issues... because that could be quite bad for my health otherwise. So I go back in a week and if it's still high, then medication for me. I'm okay with that - I'd rather medication than a heart attack tbh.
I'm about 104kg now btw. Yep, I've gotten fatter. I think I've been really stressed lately worrying about whether or not I'd get my loan, whether or not the GP would give me the referral, etc, so I've been eating pretty badly. What's worse is that I, again, never feel full... so can stuff away even more crap as a result.
Doctor did say that surgery sounded like an ideal solution for me... which was reassuring. It's hard to have people in your court when you're wanting this surgery... because even when people support you, they're not exactly excited for you, and are more worried but keeping that to themselves. Only fellow sleevers (or those whov'e had other WLS) tend to get it... so it felt good to have him agree that it's a good decision. Too many people try to talk you out of this, so I'm glad I have a medical professional on my side!
Better go ring MEBank...
I got home and then booked my appointment with Dr Greenslade. June 2, 3pm. That's a Thursday. Will be pulling Chanel out of school for that day I think, because I won't be able to make it to the appointment AND get her from school in time... it's a decent distance away from my house. Might see if my pregnant SIL can watch her while I go to the appointment, because I'd rather DD not come and be a pain in the neck (which she no doubt would be, because she'd be bored and annoyed she's not at school - my little nerd... lol).
Oh, just a random sidetracking - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJcTi1BBJT0 That's DD reading. Just bragging really - what better place to do it than my own little slice of the web?
So... yeah, appointment. Woohoo. Will cost $140, but get $70 back from Medicare.
STILL have yet to see my freaking loan money though. Rang them yesterday, apparently they may now need ID verification. I mean, wtf? Why not just tell me every damn thing you need AT ONCE so I can sort it out? Too bad if I needed this money quickly huh? Might call them in a minute to see wtf is going on... someone was supposed to ring me back yesterday (but didn't... how professional! *sigh*).
I'm so fat lately, but I'm kind of just sucking it up. I'll lose it soon enough.
Dr thinks I might need to take blood pressure meds too... my BP was shocking yesterday, but he's worried it could just be nerves and doesn't want to put me on meds unless I really do have BP issues... because that could be quite bad for my health otherwise. So I go back in a week and if it's still high, then medication for me. I'm okay with that - I'd rather medication than a heart attack tbh.
I'm about 104kg now btw. Yep, I've gotten fatter. I think I've been really stressed lately worrying about whether or not I'd get my loan, whether or not the GP would give me the referral, etc, so I've been eating pretty badly. What's worse is that I, again, never feel full... so can stuff away even more crap as a result.
Doctor did say that surgery sounded like an ideal solution for me... which was reassuring. It's hard to have people in your court when you're wanting this surgery... because even when people support you, they're not exactly excited for you, and are more worried but keeping that to themselves. Only fellow sleevers (or those whov'e had other WLS) tend to get it... so it felt good to have him agree that it's a good decision. Too many people try to talk you out of this, so I'm glad I have a medical professional on my side!
Better go ring MEBank...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Referrals and Ramming and Soups - Oh My!
So I'm a bit scared now - it seems that my loan has probably gone through. They just need to confirm it, but otherwise, I'll get the money soon and be able to organise my surgery. Hopefully soon after August 30.
But yes, I am scared. I was watching TV the other night and they were performing the sleeve on someone... and it wasn't so much the cutting out the stomach that freaked me out, but the way they rammed these things into the abdomen so they could get inside with their little scissory things (yes, very technical... lol). It was pretty much stab-with-scalpel then RAM this tubey thing in there. It looked pretty violent.
Though, I guess an upside is that I'll be asleep - so the abuse done to my body will not be remembered or even noticed. I wonder if it contributes to the pain afterwards though?
I'm also a bit paranoid about post-op pain. For some reason, I keep comparing it to my gallbladder surgery... perhaps because it was keyhole surgery too and removed something from my body. I guess the huge difference is, my gallbladder didn't have to hold food, and the whole thing was removed, not just a portion and then the rest stitched up. So yeah, I hadn't thought too much about the actual pain until recently... but I suppose it's something you've got to suck up and deal with whenever you elect to have surgery.
I was planning on seeing the GP today about my referral too, if I could get in... but I could only get 1 appointment, and my daughter is sick, so she's taken it (I was hoping to get 2 appointments one after the other - one for me and one for her). Actually, I don't really think she's that sick... I think she's bunging it on... but I'll take her to the dr anyway. Hopefully he'll give her some yucky medicine and she'll learn to only act sick if she actually IS sick, cos the consequences are gross medicines. lol.
I'm actually quite worried about my blood pressure as well... I keep thinking I'm going to have a heart attack before I have my surgery... but I try to comfort myself with the fact that there are people out there who are WAY bigger than I am, and they haven't had a heart attack... so maybe I'll be safe? Flawed thinking, I know, but I try to use it to settle myself down when I'm freaking out.
I've also been testing out Cup-o-Soups lately to see what tastes like shit and what is able to be swallowed without gagging. I want to figure this out pre-op so I can at least somewhat enjoy what I shove in my mouth during the liquids stage. I'm wanting to make my own soups too, but I'm really not a soup fan... and usually prefer chunky soups. I'm kind of screwed, aren't I? Oh well, I'll manage. It's not soups-for-life, so I'll get through it.
Going the GP will be scary. Hoping to have an appointment booked for tomorrow. Will ask for it when I go in there soon for DD's appointment. I keep fearing he'll brush me off, tell me to go on more duromine (I HATE that stuff!), or something. I don't have a close relationship with my doctors... because I'm not loyal. I see whoever is there at the time that I need an appointment... but I have chosen the doctor I want to get my referral from because he's one I've spoken to about my weight before. I just get the feeling he's more willing to accept my decision too... I dunno why, it's just a feeling I have.
I'll have to report back tomorrow if I do go see him, to tell you all what he says. Hopefully it's, "Sure I'll write you a referral letter!" and that's it, but I have a feeling I'll have to talk him into it... *sigh*
But yes, I am scared. I was watching TV the other night and they were performing the sleeve on someone... and it wasn't so much the cutting out the stomach that freaked me out, but the way they rammed these things into the abdomen so they could get inside with their little scissory things (yes, very technical... lol). It was pretty much stab-with-scalpel then RAM this tubey thing in there. It looked pretty violent.
Though, I guess an upside is that I'll be asleep - so the abuse done to my body will not be remembered or even noticed. I wonder if it contributes to the pain afterwards though?
I'm also a bit paranoid about post-op pain. For some reason, I keep comparing it to my gallbladder surgery... perhaps because it was keyhole surgery too and removed something from my body. I guess the huge difference is, my gallbladder didn't have to hold food, and the whole thing was removed, not just a portion and then the rest stitched up. So yeah, I hadn't thought too much about the actual pain until recently... but I suppose it's something you've got to suck up and deal with whenever you elect to have surgery.
I was planning on seeing the GP today about my referral too, if I could get in... but I could only get 1 appointment, and my daughter is sick, so she's taken it (I was hoping to get 2 appointments one after the other - one for me and one for her). Actually, I don't really think she's that sick... I think she's bunging it on... but I'll take her to the dr anyway. Hopefully he'll give her some yucky medicine and she'll learn to only act sick if she actually IS sick, cos the consequences are gross medicines. lol.
I'm actually quite worried about my blood pressure as well... I keep thinking I'm going to have a heart attack before I have my surgery... but I try to comfort myself with the fact that there are people out there who are WAY bigger than I am, and they haven't had a heart attack... so maybe I'll be safe? Flawed thinking, I know, but I try to use it to settle myself down when I'm freaking out.
I've also been testing out Cup-o-Soups lately to see what tastes like shit and what is able to be swallowed without gagging. I want to figure this out pre-op so I can at least somewhat enjoy what I shove in my mouth during the liquids stage. I'm wanting to make my own soups too, but I'm really not a soup fan... and usually prefer chunky soups. I'm kind of screwed, aren't I? Oh well, I'll manage. It's not soups-for-life, so I'll get through it.
Going the GP will be scary. Hoping to have an appointment booked for tomorrow. Will ask for it when I go in there soon for DD's appointment. I keep fearing he'll brush me off, tell me to go on more duromine (I HATE that stuff!), or something. I don't have a close relationship with my doctors... because I'm not loyal. I see whoever is there at the time that I need an appointment... but I have chosen the doctor I want to get my referral from because he's one I've spoken to about my weight before. I just get the feeling he's more willing to accept my decision too... I dunno why, it's just a feeling I have.
I'll have to report back tomorrow if I do go see him, to tell you all what he says. Hopefully it's, "Sure I'll write you a referral letter!" and that's it, but I have a feeling I'll have to talk him into it... *sigh*
Screw You Zoo!
Something really made me annoyed the other day. Yesterday I think - so Saturday.
Basically, DP came home from work (he worked Saturday - LAME!) with a ZOO magazine. His explanation was he wanted to read the Osama Bin Laden jokes (they had a heap of tacky jokes in there that immature minds find funny - DP being one of those...lol)... though I think the amount of semi-nude girls in there certainly didn't discourage him from buying it either.
Now I know what you're thinking - you're thinking you're knowing where this is heading and I got shirty because I was jealous and DP was being a perve... blah blah. Well, actually, no. That would often by my annoyance, but I'm over that. DP can look at girls like that if he wants - I've finally realised that he loves me, and accepts me as I am and knows I'll never look like those girls... he probably also knows that those girls would probably irritate the shit out of him anyway if he was in a relationship with one of them.
No, what I got angry about was the way girls/women are portrayed and treated in magazines like that... and how it teaches not only young men, but also young women, that a girl is worth little more than her looks. Actually, her face doesn't even matter - usually just her body. Her face can be a bonus, but the body is the important part. How does she look good naked? Are her boobs perky enough? Is her bum full enough, but not TOO full? How hairy is she? Etc etc etc.
It just pisses me off.
I mean, just look at the types of girls and images you'll see in these types of magazines...
See what I mean? It doesn't even matter what these girls are like. What they think. What they want in life. No, just show us the tits and arse and the "come fuck me," eyes and that's all that matters. Boys are taught that this is ideal... and therefore your average girl just doesn't compare to this. As they get older, they realise that this isn't really how girls are... but in the back of the their minds I bet a decent number of them are wishing we were...
At the same time though, girls aren't immune from Zoo mag. Their brothers, friends, fathers buy it and they see it. Even if they don't see Zoo mag, they see enough in everyday life to get the same sort of message - that all that matters is how you look... and how willing you are to put out. So, they start to pose like this, get the big fake boobs, and criticise their bodies for being normal because we're being taught that normal is ugly, and that a body is far more attractive when having been previously carved up by a surgeon's knife to contain all sorts of fake bits and pieces.
THIS stuff is the reason I hate myself. THIS stuff has taught me that I am not good enough... and it's taught the world that I'm not good enough.
I mean, having a good ol' perve on naked chicks isn't new... but what's considered attractive is certainly more fake than it used to be. They used to have it RIGHT in the past...
I mean, look at this? THIS I have no issue with, because it's realistic. THAT is what so many women look like naked... HEALTHY WOMEN. I mean, I don't look like that naked - I look way worse - but I'm not healthy. These women would have been (as healthy as one could be living during that period). They have flesh on their upper-arms, they have creases on their stomachs when they sit, their jawlines are soft because they have a bit of flesh there. SO different to what Zoo advertises the ideal woman to be.
The fact is, no woman looks like Krystal or Emily or any of the other girls in Zoo without SOME help. That might just be being smothered in make-up, but it can also mean injections into various parts of their body, implants (more often than not), and probably pretty restrictive diets and exercise routines. Guys are taught to want a woman who looks like this - but the reality is, a woman who looks like that would probably be a hell of a lot of work as she'd spend a lot of time and money fussing over her looks, her food, her exercise etc etc.
When you just wanna curl up and watch a movie with some popcorn, she's probably freaking about what that popcorn will do to her thighs. When you take her out to a nice restaurant, she's counting every calorie of food she's popping into her mouth knowing how far she's going to have to run to burn it off later. When you think she's got great tits, it's because she's felt so bad about how they were in their natural state that she went to a surgery and asked him to hack them open and insert a foreign object in there just so guys like you can think they look good. Or just because she thinks they look good... but that's likely BECAUSE of guys like you who've produced magazines like Zoo who've taught her that she's not good enough unless her boobs look like that.
It just gives me the shits that my daughter is living in a world where her peers will be taught that they are not good enough as they are, and that they need big, gravity-defying tits, be smothered in orange fake take, be willing to look like they're ready for penetration at any given moment... not even just ready, but LONGING for it... because that's all she wants. To please you. To look hot and to get fucked. That's what Zoo teaches - and I'm just over it.
The sad thing is, despite knowing all of this... I still feel ugly compared to those girls. Look at them. Their smooth skin, which is no doubt a result of make-up and photoshop as well as endless exercise and a strict diet, makes me jealous. Their gravity-defying boobs make mine appear even saggier (though for their size and the fact they're natural, and the fact I've had a kid, mine are quite alright) and that upsets me. Those girls just rub it in that I am not good enough. They tell me I'm not good enough and they tell everyone else I'm not good enough and for all that I LOATHE magazines like Zoo for treating women like that, I loathe myself even more for not BEING like that... and MY GOD that sucks! To KNOW that my expectations are not realistic, and yet feel not good enough regardless.
If teen boys want to have a perve on naked girls - whatever. I know teenagers (actually, males of all ages) can be right perverts... but why not show a girl as she is? Why does she have to waif-thin with huge fake boobs, hair extensions, fake tan, and pulling a "yes please!" face? Why can't she just be pretty as she is, naturally? Why can't that be sexy enough?
Sorry for the rant, it just really pissed me off.
Basically, DP came home from work (he worked Saturday - LAME!) with a ZOO magazine. His explanation was he wanted to read the Osama Bin Laden jokes (they had a heap of tacky jokes in there that immature minds find funny - DP being one of those...lol)... though I think the amount of semi-nude girls in there certainly didn't discourage him from buying it either.
Now I know what you're thinking - you're thinking you're knowing where this is heading and I got shirty because I was jealous and DP was being a perve... blah blah. Well, actually, no. That would often by my annoyance, but I'm over that. DP can look at girls like that if he wants - I've finally realised that he loves me, and accepts me as I am and knows I'll never look like those girls... he probably also knows that those girls would probably irritate the shit out of him anyway if he was in a relationship with one of them.
No, what I got angry about was the way girls/women are portrayed and treated in magazines like that... and how it teaches not only young men, but also young women, that a girl is worth little more than her looks. Actually, her face doesn't even matter - usually just her body. Her face can be a bonus, but the body is the important part. How does she look good naked? Are her boobs perky enough? Is her bum full enough, but not TOO full? How hairy is she? Etc etc etc.
It just pisses me off.
I mean, just look at the types of girls and images you'll see in these types of magazines...
 |
| Is this how guys expect girls to be? |
 |
| Why even bother with a bikini at all Emily Scott? |
 |
| And so they learn that boobs shouldn't sag when in that position... |
At the same time though, girls aren't immune from Zoo mag. Their brothers, friends, fathers buy it and they see it. Even if they don't see Zoo mag, they see enough in everyday life to get the same sort of message - that all that matters is how you look... and how willing you are to put out. So, they start to pose like this, get the big fake boobs, and criticise their bodies for being normal because we're being taught that normal is ugly, and that a body is far more attractive when having been previously carved up by a surgeon's knife to contain all sorts of fake bits and pieces.
THIS stuff is the reason I hate myself. THIS stuff has taught me that I am not good enough... and it's taught the world that I'm not good enough.
I mean, having a good ol' perve on naked chicks isn't new... but what's considered attractive is certainly more fake than it used to be. They used to have it RIGHT in the past...
 |
| Titian knew women often have a small podge of a belly on them... and that it's normal and beautiful! |
 |
| Unlike Zoo, Rubens taught people that women are beautiful when they're natural |
The fact is, no woman looks like Krystal or Emily or any of the other girls in Zoo without SOME help. That might just be being smothered in make-up, but it can also mean injections into various parts of their body, implants (more often than not), and probably pretty restrictive diets and exercise routines. Guys are taught to want a woman who looks like this - but the reality is, a woman who looks like that would probably be a hell of a lot of work as she'd spend a lot of time and money fussing over her looks, her food, her exercise etc etc.
When you just wanna curl up and watch a movie with some popcorn, she's probably freaking about what that popcorn will do to her thighs. When you take her out to a nice restaurant, she's counting every calorie of food she's popping into her mouth knowing how far she's going to have to run to burn it off later. When you think she's got great tits, it's because she's felt so bad about how they were in their natural state that she went to a surgery and asked him to hack them open and insert a foreign object in there just so guys like you can think they look good. Or just because she thinks they look good... but that's likely BECAUSE of guys like you who've produced magazines like Zoo who've taught her that she's not good enough unless her boobs look like that.
It just gives me the shits that my daughter is living in a world where her peers will be taught that they are not good enough as they are, and that they need big, gravity-defying tits, be smothered in orange fake take, be willing to look like they're ready for penetration at any given moment... not even just ready, but LONGING for it... because that's all she wants. To please you. To look hot and to get fucked. That's what Zoo teaches - and I'm just over it.
The sad thing is, despite knowing all of this... I still feel ugly compared to those girls. Look at them. Their smooth skin, which is no doubt a result of make-up and photoshop as well as endless exercise and a strict diet, makes me jealous. Their gravity-defying boobs make mine appear even saggier (though for their size and the fact they're natural, and the fact I've had a kid, mine are quite alright) and that upsets me. Those girls just rub it in that I am not good enough. They tell me I'm not good enough and they tell everyone else I'm not good enough and for all that I LOATHE magazines like Zoo for treating women like that, I loathe myself even more for not BEING like that... and MY GOD that sucks! To KNOW that my expectations are not realistic, and yet feel not good enough regardless.
If teen boys want to have a perve on naked girls - whatever. I know teenagers (actually, males of all ages) can be right perverts... but why not show a girl as she is? Why does she have to waif-thin with huge fake boobs, hair extensions, fake tan, and pulling a "yes please!" face? Why can't she just be pretty as she is, naturally? Why can't that be sexy enough?
Sorry for the rant, it just really pissed me off.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Loan is a bitch, so is Winter shopping...
Haven't posted in a bit because...well...I'm annoyed. I want to know whether I've got the freaking loan or not. Yes or no. That's all I want to know!
Anyway, apart from that...
I've been thinking about the lovely Mischa. She had her surgery on Tuesday, and I cannot wait to hear from her. I really hope she's doing well in hospital, and isn't in too much pain right now. Also hope that she's using that pain-relief button whenever she feels she needs it... I know I will be pressing mine whenever I need to!
I hope she's not bored in hospital either. I think her hospital didn't have wifi like mine will... though I dunno how I'm going to access it considering I don't have a laptop or iPod or anything, but maybe someone will be willing to let me have a lend of theirs. Or maybe I'll just do what I always do when I'm in hospital and sleep. Or watch TV. I'll have Foxtel so at least I can watch something other than crappy daytime TV.
I'm kind of annoyed that I have to get through Winter before I have my operation. It means I have to get new clothes. I tried on my jeans from last years... I can do them up, but I have the worst camel-toe, and they're just not flattering. So will even need to buy new jeans. My daggy jumpers fit, but they're just "around the house," items, so I really need to find some new clothes... which is always a PITA for a fat girl.
I've always wanted a trenchcoat but have never gotten one because they're so expensive, and we live in Qld... but I might just cave this year and get one... then flog it off on eBay when I'm done with it. At least I'll look nice in my last Winter as a fatty. Or at least as nice as I can look, being rugged up in layers of clothes which no doubt add to my bulk. *sigh*
I can't be bothered writing anymore - as I said, I'm annoyed. I want to know if I got the loan or not. I rang them up and they were apparently waiting on info about income, so at least they're doing something... I just wish they did it quicker! Hopefully we'll know by tomorrow. If not, I'll be PISSED OFF.
Anyway, apart from that...
I've been thinking about the lovely Mischa. She had her surgery on Tuesday, and I cannot wait to hear from her. I really hope she's doing well in hospital, and isn't in too much pain right now. Also hope that she's using that pain-relief button whenever she feels she needs it... I know I will be pressing mine whenever I need to!
I hope she's not bored in hospital either. I think her hospital didn't have wifi like mine will... though I dunno how I'm going to access it considering I don't have a laptop or iPod or anything, but maybe someone will be willing to let me have a lend of theirs. Or maybe I'll just do what I always do when I'm in hospital and sleep. Or watch TV. I'll have Foxtel so at least I can watch something other than crappy daytime TV.
I'm kind of annoyed that I have to get through Winter before I have my operation. It means I have to get new clothes. I tried on my jeans from last years... I can do them up, but I have the worst camel-toe, and they're just not flattering. So will even need to buy new jeans. My daggy jumpers fit, but they're just "around the house," items, so I really need to find some new clothes... which is always a PITA for a fat girl.
I've always wanted a trenchcoat but have never gotten one because they're so expensive, and we live in Qld... but I might just cave this year and get one... then flog it off on eBay when I'm done with it. At least I'll look nice in my last Winter as a fatty. Or at least as nice as I can look, being rugged up in layers of clothes which no doubt add to my bulk. *sigh*
I can't be bothered writing anymore - as I said, I'm annoyed. I want to know if I got the loan or not. I rang them up and they were apparently waiting on info about income, so at least they're doing something... I just wish they did it quicker! Hopefully we'll know by tomorrow. If not, I'll be PISSED OFF.
Monday, May 09, 2011
Loan, are you coming?
For God's sake ME Bank! Just tell me if I got the freaking loan or not already!
They have until Friday to tell me... but in all honesty, I'm sick of waiting. It's such a stressful thing, worrying about whether or not you're approved. Especially for something as major as this surgery.
Stress Stress Stress.
JUST TELL ME ALREADY!
They have until Friday to tell me... but in all honesty, I'm sick of waiting. It's such a stressful thing, worrying about whether or not you're approved. Especially for something as major as this surgery.
Stress Stress Stress.
JUST TELL ME ALREADY!
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Paranoia, Dream-Slutting and Having my Head up my own Rear-End...
Before I post - I haven't taken my medication, so I'm full of anxiety and paranoia today. Why didn't I take my medication? I dunno. I keep forgetting it these days because I no longer take it at night (keeps me awake) when I take my pill, and so I often just forget about it altogether.
So, basically, chances are I'm going to be ranting and sooking about something that won't even bother me after I take my medication, and isn't even likely anyway... but blah... right now it's bothering me so I need to type it out...
This morning, we went to the shops and as we were getting out the car, the lady opposite us was this tall skinny thing all done up with her skinny-jeans and her nice hair and everything... and I had a messy ponytail (and I'm not one of those people who make messy ponytails look hot either - I just look like a bum who needs to brush her hair... lol), a dress that DD had flicked a bit of paint onto and I had tried to give it a quick wipe-off (so there was still a light stain on my boob), and no make-up... I just looked pretty feral tbh. It's only the local shops, and we live in an area full of bogans, so I expected to just blend in.
Instead, it must have been shopping day for hot girls. They were freaking everywhere - with their perky boobs and their sexy legs and their flat stomachs. There was me... all fat and gross. Immediately, I was unimpressed. DP was perving on the girl across from our car - he was doing it subtly, but when I fail to take my medication, if I see an attractive girl I'll keep my eye on him to see if he's checking her out... it's like I go out of my way to bother myself about nothing.
I mean, so what? She WAS good-looking after all... and ON my medication, I don't really care if he has a look, I just laugh at him to myself...
I comforted myself with, "Don't worry Stacey, in a year you'll be smaller and sexier and guys will be checking you out... DP will be checking you out..." then my anxiety-ridden mind decided to be a bitch and taunt me by suggesting: What if he doesn't?
What if I lose weight, and get more attractive and healthier and DP doesn't notice? I mean, I'm sure he'll notice... but what if he doesn't care? What if he doesn't perve on me? What if he's still looking at all these hot girls and I'm still feeling like the hideous fat girl who nobody wants to look at, even though I'm not? Again, this is all no-medication talk, because ON my medication, I'm able to think more rationally about all of this...
For example: Who cares? He obviously likes me enough to be with me. He cuddles and kisses me. He gets all touchy-feely if I'm wandering around naked (even though it's far from a pretty sight). He tells me he loves me and enjoys my company... blah blah. Those hot girls could be a-holes. They could be idiots. They could not even be interested in him. Who really cares if he perves on me when I lose weight or not? I mean, he obviously manages to find me attractive enough right now, as a fat person, so he'll manage to feel the same when I'm smaller too I'm sure.
BUT... when you're not on your meds, that rationale is pushed aside and crazy takes over.
So crazy then suggests: What if he DOES perve on you all the time?
Then I start thinking about all this other stuff he DOESN'T do now... and wonder how I'll feel if it does happen after I start losing weight.
I mean, will I be angry with him if he starts holding my hand when we go out. I think I would be. We don't do it now - we don't do physical intimacy when out in public. Neither of us are PDA fans, but I'd be okay with hand-holding... he says he's just not into it. Then paranoid me wonders: Is it just because if he does, everyone will know he's with me? Everyone will see he's with that fat girl? Is THAT why he doesn't do it? And if I lose weight, will he do it then? Will I no longer be a shameful secret?
Again, he's not done anything to make me think I'm an embarrassment, but not taking my meds makes me crazy and makes me think all these things and ignore proper reasoning.
Or what if I get full of myself? I already have begun to joke with DP - I'll say stuff like, "You can get away with it now, but just you wait... when I lose some weight, everyone will love me because I'll be so hot and if you do that (whatever "that" may be), I'll just leave you for one of my many admirers...lol."
It's all just a joke... but what if I turn into a bitch? What if I go "haha - I'm skinny now - screw you all - I'm so awesome and hot and you all suck! I'm going to flounce away and associate only will fellow hot people!" I'm sure that won't be me, but I worry anyway. Partly, I worry about this today because I was all affair-girl in my dream last night. In it, I cheated on DP... because I'd lost weight and people found me hot. One guy said some nice things to me, so I did him in a bathroom. Yep - I know, what a slut. A dream slut though, at least... lol. It wasn't very good though, if that makes it better, and dream-me felt guilty (and I woke up feeling as if I had actually betrayed DP by being a skank in my dream).
I think I just need to go have my bloody medication so I can stop being paranoid about stupid shit like this. I have no reason to think he's going to go, "Nope, you're still hideous!" when I lose weight, or to think I'll turn into a huge bitch afterwards either... so I really just need to focus on taking my freaking meds.
I'm still waiting to find out the results of my loan application - the latest I should know is Friday, so I'm hanging out waiting! I really want to know...
So, basically, chances are I'm going to be ranting and sooking about something that won't even bother me after I take my medication, and isn't even likely anyway... but blah... right now it's bothering me so I need to type it out...
This morning, we went to the shops and as we were getting out the car, the lady opposite us was this tall skinny thing all done up with her skinny-jeans and her nice hair and everything... and I had a messy ponytail (and I'm not one of those people who make messy ponytails look hot either - I just look like a bum who needs to brush her hair... lol), a dress that DD had flicked a bit of paint onto and I had tried to give it a quick wipe-off (so there was still a light stain on my boob), and no make-up... I just looked pretty feral tbh. It's only the local shops, and we live in an area full of bogans, so I expected to just blend in.
Instead, it must have been shopping day for hot girls. They were freaking everywhere - with their perky boobs and their sexy legs and their flat stomachs. There was me... all fat and gross. Immediately, I was unimpressed. DP was perving on the girl across from our car - he was doing it subtly, but when I fail to take my medication, if I see an attractive girl I'll keep my eye on him to see if he's checking her out... it's like I go out of my way to bother myself about nothing.
I mean, so what? She WAS good-looking after all... and ON my medication, I don't really care if he has a look, I just laugh at him to myself...
I comforted myself with, "Don't worry Stacey, in a year you'll be smaller and sexier and guys will be checking you out... DP will be checking you out..." then my anxiety-ridden mind decided to be a bitch and taunt me by suggesting: What if he doesn't?
What if I lose weight, and get more attractive and healthier and DP doesn't notice? I mean, I'm sure he'll notice... but what if he doesn't care? What if he doesn't perve on me? What if he's still looking at all these hot girls and I'm still feeling like the hideous fat girl who nobody wants to look at, even though I'm not? Again, this is all no-medication talk, because ON my medication, I'm able to think more rationally about all of this...
For example: Who cares? He obviously likes me enough to be with me. He cuddles and kisses me. He gets all touchy-feely if I'm wandering around naked (even though it's far from a pretty sight). He tells me he loves me and enjoys my company... blah blah. Those hot girls could be a-holes. They could be idiots. They could not even be interested in him. Who really cares if he perves on me when I lose weight or not? I mean, he obviously manages to find me attractive enough right now, as a fat person, so he'll manage to feel the same when I'm smaller too I'm sure.
BUT... when you're not on your meds, that rationale is pushed aside and crazy takes over.
So crazy then suggests: What if he DOES perve on you all the time?
Then I start thinking about all this other stuff he DOESN'T do now... and wonder how I'll feel if it does happen after I start losing weight.
I mean, will I be angry with him if he starts holding my hand when we go out. I think I would be. We don't do it now - we don't do physical intimacy when out in public. Neither of us are PDA fans, but I'd be okay with hand-holding... he says he's just not into it. Then paranoid me wonders: Is it just because if he does, everyone will know he's with me? Everyone will see he's with that fat girl? Is THAT why he doesn't do it? And if I lose weight, will he do it then? Will I no longer be a shameful secret?
Again, he's not done anything to make me think I'm an embarrassment, but not taking my meds makes me crazy and makes me think all these things and ignore proper reasoning.
Or what if I get full of myself? I already have begun to joke with DP - I'll say stuff like, "You can get away with it now, but just you wait... when I lose some weight, everyone will love me because I'll be so hot and if you do that (whatever "that" may be), I'll just leave you for one of my many admirers...lol."
It's all just a joke... but what if I turn into a bitch? What if I go "haha - I'm skinny now - screw you all - I'm so awesome and hot and you all suck! I'm going to flounce away and associate only will fellow hot people!" I'm sure that won't be me, but I worry anyway. Partly, I worry about this today because I was all affair-girl in my dream last night. In it, I cheated on DP... because I'd lost weight and people found me hot. One guy said some nice things to me, so I did him in a bathroom. Yep - I know, what a slut. A dream slut though, at least... lol. It wasn't very good though, if that makes it better, and dream-me felt guilty (and I woke up feeling as if I had actually betrayed DP by being a skank in my dream).
I think I just need to go have my bloody medication so I can stop being paranoid about stupid shit like this. I have no reason to think he's going to go, "Nope, you're still hideous!" when I lose weight, or to think I'll turn into a huge bitch afterwards either... so I really just need to focus on taking my freaking meds.
I'm still waiting to find out the results of my loan application - the latest I should know is Friday, so I'm hanging out waiting! I really want to know...
Friday, May 06, 2011
More Whinging...
What if I lose a lot of weight... and I look horrible? I want to be healthy, of course, but I don't want to look hideous as a thinner person.
I think I'm just scared of being so different is size.
I think I'm just scared of being so different is size.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Scared to be Skinny (and liposuction, hiatus hernias and loan applications)
I'm scared.
However, I'm not scared about the things you may imagine. I'm not afraid of the needles I'll have to deal with, the pain I'll no doubt suffer afterwards (though I'm not looking foward to it either), or the fact that the majority of my stomach will be removed permanently and then tossed away as if it lacks importance. I'm not even afraid of the small possibility that my operation will end in death. That, to me, is an unlikely possibility and so not one worth fearing... the same as I don't constantly fear dying in a car crash whenever I am in a car. It's such a small possibility that it's not worth entertaining. Not for me anyway... not at this point in time.
No, what I am afraid of is losing weight.
It sounds so silly. I mean, why am I having this operation if not to lose weight? Of course I WANT to lose weight - but it's still frightening to me.
I've been looking at before and afters, reading blogs, watching v-logs, etc etc all about the sleeve... and the only thing that really frightens me at this point in time is the fact that I will be losing weight. A significant amount of weight. Weight that will be lost permanently.
I want to be thinner and healthier - but it is something that is so foreign to me that I am afraid of it.
I've never been thin... certainly not as an adult anyway. Despite the fact that my weight has caused me troubles, it's something I am used to and with that comes a small comfort. I know how to dress myself, for example. I know my body shape, and even as it grows and alters slightly, I still know that I have to find clothes that cater to a large bust, a large bum and large thighs. If you ask me to describe my body, I will most definitely mention those 3 things, because it's how I've always been.
I also know that I am relatively "safe," when it comes to social situations. Rare is it when I have to turn someone down who is paying me more attention than I appreciate. I know that getting attention, at the moment, is simply a matter of displaying my breasts proudly... if I want attention, I have them out and on display for all to enjoy. (lol). If I do not want attention, I cover them up a lot more. It's an on/off switch for me - boobs out = attention, boobs in = ivisibility.
If I lose weight though, will I become more of a target for unsolicited attention? Will I have men become more interested in me? I have no doubt that these are quite strong possibilities - most people will find that as their excess weight disappears, they seem to become more appealing to the opposite sex. In theory, this sounds awesome - having men want me rather than repelling them sounds pretty great. But in reality, I fear it'll be different, as it's something I've never had to deal with before. Will I cope?
This body of mine has long been bigger-than-average, and that is going to change... will that change how I define myself? Will I become a completely different person as a result? I am afraid of the freedoms that will open up to me... not because I do not want them, but because they are unfamiliar and therefore worth fearing.
I am also afraid of losing parts of my body that I am not particularly unhappy with. Like my breasts. I know they are likely to shrink, but I am afraid of losing them altogether. I know that if this is to occur, I'll no doubt look into surgery to replace what was once there... but at the same time, I do not want that. I have enjoyed because a girl with "great tits," and am not sure I want to change that to being a girl with, "fake tits."
I also enjoy the shape of my body - a more hourglass shape, though right now it is an oversized hourglass... more like a several-hour glass... lol. Will that disappear? Will I go from being hourglass in shape, to some other body shape that I am not used to and have no idea how to deal with? I long for body shapes that I do not have all the time, but I also KNOW how to work with my shape and am afraid of it changing into something else completely.
I will survive, regardless, and I will learn to appreciate whatever changes come to my body... but I am fearful all the same. This body, while full of faults and issues, has been my own. I am used to it, and have found comfort in my various flaws... I can hide behind my weight and use it as a shield.
Perhaps when I lose weight, I will no longer want a shield? Perhaps I will not need to protect myself so much anymore, because I will not face the same ridicule I have been subjected to as an obese woman and teenager. Perhaps I will be happy to no longer hide, and feel free to express myself however I wish, without worrying how others may view me so much.
I guess time will tell.
And time will tell... as I have put in my loan application and hope against hope that I am approved so that I can have my surgery ASAP. All going well, I'll be looking at having surgery somewhere between September and December - I'll be booking my appointment to arrange my surgery soon after I have recieved my money/approval of my loan.
In other news, my partner's sisters know something is going on and think that I am planning to have liposuction. lol. I have told one of them that I have no such plans, that it doesn't rid you of much weight anyhow (I think they get rid of about 5kg... lipo, in my opinion, is for those who a tiny bit flabby, but otherwise quite thin), that I do not have access to that kind of money even if I did want lipo.
They have become suspicious because of my facebook... one decided it a good idea to go through ALL of my previous status updates... and I have mentioned this in there (the sleeve), though not exactly in an obvious way. One message read something like, "I'll do whatever I damn well please with my own body - if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it," blah blah. About 6 messages later, there was, "I can't wait to be skinny (or skinnier at least)." She obviously figured both of these two were linked (they were) and assumed it was about liposuction (it wasn't).
I've told her that it's just about duromine - a weight loss prescription medication that my doctor wanted to put me on, but something that others have been quite negative about. I figure that's a reasonable explanation, and my doctor, in the past, HAS put me on duromine... so I have a half-taken packet laying around on my bench as evidence if it's really required.
I was annoyed though that they were discussing me amongst themselves... no doubt laughing at their brother's choice of fat girlfriend as they did so (one, in particular, doesn't like me much, and I know that my weight would be a very easy target for her).
It does make me realise though, that I'm going to have to come up with some explanation as to why I'm eating so little, why I ended up in surgery (in case they find out), why I'm losing weight, etc. I have read that one sleeve-giving doctor suggested saying it was a hiatus hernia removal... as that would cover the scarring (not that anyone will see mine), the diet afterwards, and the diet would cover the weight-loss. I think I may go with this... I don't want to make out that I have come across "the magic answer," to weight-loss (without surgery) because that would be a lie and I wouldn't feel right telling it and perhaps giving others false hope.
I think I may google hiatus hernias, so I can at least be prepared to answer any questions thrown at me... not that I'd be well-read about them if I really did have one, but I'd at least have a doctor telling me enough about it so I know why it's a problem, etc.
However, I'm not scared about the things you may imagine. I'm not afraid of the needles I'll have to deal with, the pain I'll no doubt suffer afterwards (though I'm not looking foward to it either), or the fact that the majority of my stomach will be removed permanently and then tossed away as if it lacks importance. I'm not even afraid of the small possibility that my operation will end in death. That, to me, is an unlikely possibility and so not one worth fearing... the same as I don't constantly fear dying in a car crash whenever I am in a car. It's such a small possibility that it's not worth entertaining. Not for me anyway... not at this point in time.
No, what I am afraid of is losing weight.
It sounds so silly. I mean, why am I having this operation if not to lose weight? Of course I WANT to lose weight - but it's still frightening to me.
I've been looking at before and afters, reading blogs, watching v-logs, etc etc all about the sleeve... and the only thing that really frightens me at this point in time is the fact that I will be losing weight. A significant amount of weight. Weight that will be lost permanently.
I want to be thinner and healthier - but it is something that is so foreign to me that I am afraid of it.
I've never been thin... certainly not as an adult anyway. Despite the fact that my weight has caused me troubles, it's something I am used to and with that comes a small comfort. I know how to dress myself, for example. I know my body shape, and even as it grows and alters slightly, I still know that I have to find clothes that cater to a large bust, a large bum and large thighs. If you ask me to describe my body, I will most definitely mention those 3 things, because it's how I've always been.
I also know that I am relatively "safe," when it comes to social situations. Rare is it when I have to turn someone down who is paying me more attention than I appreciate. I know that getting attention, at the moment, is simply a matter of displaying my breasts proudly... if I want attention, I have them out and on display for all to enjoy. (lol). If I do not want attention, I cover them up a lot more. It's an on/off switch for me - boobs out = attention, boobs in = ivisibility.
If I lose weight though, will I become more of a target for unsolicited attention? Will I have men become more interested in me? I have no doubt that these are quite strong possibilities - most people will find that as their excess weight disappears, they seem to become more appealing to the opposite sex. In theory, this sounds awesome - having men want me rather than repelling them sounds pretty great. But in reality, I fear it'll be different, as it's something I've never had to deal with before. Will I cope?
This body of mine has long been bigger-than-average, and that is going to change... will that change how I define myself? Will I become a completely different person as a result? I am afraid of the freedoms that will open up to me... not because I do not want them, but because they are unfamiliar and therefore worth fearing.
I am also afraid of losing parts of my body that I am not particularly unhappy with. Like my breasts. I know they are likely to shrink, but I am afraid of losing them altogether. I know that if this is to occur, I'll no doubt look into surgery to replace what was once there... but at the same time, I do not want that. I have enjoyed because a girl with "great tits," and am not sure I want to change that to being a girl with, "fake tits."
I also enjoy the shape of my body - a more hourglass shape, though right now it is an oversized hourglass... more like a several-hour glass... lol. Will that disappear? Will I go from being hourglass in shape, to some other body shape that I am not used to and have no idea how to deal with? I long for body shapes that I do not have all the time, but I also KNOW how to work with my shape and am afraid of it changing into something else completely.
I will survive, regardless, and I will learn to appreciate whatever changes come to my body... but I am fearful all the same. This body, while full of faults and issues, has been my own. I am used to it, and have found comfort in my various flaws... I can hide behind my weight and use it as a shield.
Perhaps when I lose weight, I will no longer want a shield? Perhaps I will not need to protect myself so much anymore, because I will not face the same ridicule I have been subjected to as an obese woman and teenager. Perhaps I will be happy to no longer hide, and feel free to express myself however I wish, without worrying how others may view me so much.
I guess time will tell.
And time will tell... as I have put in my loan application and hope against hope that I am approved so that I can have my surgery ASAP. All going well, I'll be looking at having surgery somewhere between September and December - I'll be booking my appointment to arrange my surgery soon after I have recieved my money/approval of my loan.
In other news, my partner's sisters know something is going on and think that I am planning to have liposuction. lol. I have told one of them that I have no such plans, that it doesn't rid you of much weight anyhow (I think they get rid of about 5kg... lipo, in my opinion, is for those who a tiny bit flabby, but otherwise quite thin), that I do not have access to that kind of money even if I did want lipo.
They have become suspicious because of my facebook... one decided it a good idea to go through ALL of my previous status updates... and I have mentioned this in there (the sleeve), though not exactly in an obvious way. One message read something like, "I'll do whatever I damn well please with my own body - if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it," blah blah. About 6 messages later, there was, "I can't wait to be skinny (or skinnier at least)." She obviously figured both of these two were linked (they were) and assumed it was about liposuction (it wasn't).
I've told her that it's just about duromine - a weight loss prescription medication that my doctor wanted to put me on, but something that others have been quite negative about. I figure that's a reasonable explanation, and my doctor, in the past, HAS put me on duromine... so I have a half-taken packet laying around on my bench as evidence if it's really required.
I was annoyed though that they were discussing me amongst themselves... no doubt laughing at their brother's choice of fat girlfriend as they did so (one, in particular, doesn't like me much, and I know that my weight would be a very easy target for her).
It does make me realise though, that I'm going to have to come up with some explanation as to why I'm eating so little, why I ended up in surgery (in case they find out), why I'm losing weight, etc. I have read that one sleeve-giving doctor suggested saying it was a hiatus hernia removal... as that would cover the scarring (not that anyone will see mine), the diet afterwards, and the diet would cover the weight-loss. I think I may go with this... I don't want to make out that I have come across "the magic answer," to weight-loss (without surgery) because that would be a lie and I wouldn't feel right telling it and perhaps giving others false hope.
I think I may google hiatus hernias, so I can at least be prepared to answer any questions thrown at me... not that I'd be well-read about them if I really did have one, but I'd at least have a doctor telling me enough about it so I know why it's a problem, etc.
Monday, May 02, 2011
Random Rambling... and The Biggest Loser
I just had a look at the previous entries... and jeez, I sound like the biggest whinger. I sound like all I am is depressed, never happy... and make a LOT of excuses as to why I'm fat. I guess they are excuses - but a lot of the time, when you're struggling, they seem like perfectly valid explanations rather than simply excuses. I think the lines between excuse and reasonable explanation are blurry though...
I'm not always down though. Sometimes, I think I get a little full of myself. See, I'm fat, and I know that... and that gets me down a lot... but I also tend to dress fairly well for a bigger girl (not when I'm bumming around at home, but when I go out I often do), and I am really good at sucking my stomach in, so I look like I have a nicer figure than I actually do as well. I also, apparently, look quite young (with make-up at least), because people are always assuming I'm younger than I am. I even got asked for ID recently - I was like, "I'm 7 years away from needing ID, but how awesome is it that she doesn't even think I'm over 18 yet?!". lol.
I guess one thing I notice about me, is that even though I'm fat, I try to look decent most of the time. I'm glad that I haven't "given up," like I see so many others do. I often see people wandering around wearing clothing that just makes them look worse than they probably are... and it kind of makes me sad. That's superficial, right? I dunno, but I always want to run over to them and give them fashion advice. It's not like I'm an expert or anything, but I can tell when someone would better without the bike-pants.
The thing is, plus-sized clothing costs A LOT. I understand that it usually requires more fabric... but while you can grab a cardi for $15 at a cheap regular-size shop, you're looking at about $40 for a cheaper one in a plus-size. It's SO costly to be fat... and try to look half-decent.
I love City Chic for example... but they cost so damn much. Why would I want to pay that much for clothes that I HOPE I no longer need to fit into? Surely most women who fit in their sizes wish they were smaller, HOPE they were smaller, and often try to become smaller... so why so damn expensive? At least the resale value is quite good... so you can at least make a bit of your money back on eBay when you're done with them.
I guess I can see why people don't always dress to suit their bodies - because they simply cannot afford to!
Anyway, that's enough ranting about clothes.
I was watching The Biggest Loser finale last night (after not watching the actual series...lol), and I sat there with DP commenting on how GREAT people looked. Then I felt like shit. I mean, there were all these HOT people... who used to be fat... and I kept sitting there thinking about how disappointed DP must be that he's stuck with the "before," rather than an "after."
I'm not always down though. Sometimes, I think I get a little full of myself. See, I'm fat, and I know that... and that gets me down a lot... but I also tend to dress fairly well for a bigger girl (not when I'm bumming around at home, but when I go out I often do), and I am really good at sucking my stomach in, so I look like I have a nicer figure than I actually do as well. I also, apparently, look quite young (with make-up at least), because people are always assuming I'm younger than I am. I even got asked for ID recently - I was like, "I'm 7 years away from needing ID, but how awesome is it that she doesn't even think I'm over 18 yet?!". lol.
I guess one thing I notice about me, is that even though I'm fat, I try to look decent most of the time. I'm glad that I haven't "given up," like I see so many others do. I often see people wandering around wearing clothing that just makes them look worse than they probably are... and it kind of makes me sad. That's superficial, right? I dunno, but I always want to run over to them and give them fashion advice. It's not like I'm an expert or anything, but I can tell when someone would better without the bike-pants.
The thing is, plus-sized clothing costs A LOT. I understand that it usually requires more fabric... but while you can grab a cardi for $15 at a cheap regular-size shop, you're looking at about $40 for a cheaper one in a plus-size. It's SO costly to be fat... and try to look half-decent.
I love City Chic for example... but they cost so damn much. Why would I want to pay that much for clothes that I HOPE I no longer need to fit into? Surely most women who fit in their sizes wish they were smaller, HOPE they were smaller, and often try to become smaller... so why so damn expensive? At least the resale value is quite good... so you can at least make a bit of your money back on eBay when you're done with them.
I guess I can see why people don't always dress to suit their bodies - because they simply cannot afford to!
Anyway, that's enough ranting about clothes.
I was watching The Biggest Loser finale last night (after not watching the actual series...lol), and I sat there with DP commenting on how GREAT people looked. Then I felt like shit. I mean, there were all these HOT people... who used to be fat... and I kept sitting there thinking about how disappointed DP must be that he's stuck with the "before," rather than an "after."
 |
| From THIS |
 |
| And THIS... TO THIS: |
 |
| Seriously? How effing awesome to Leigh and Lara look now! That's one hot couple! |
Of course, in these moments, I fail to remember that soon I'll become an "after," instead, and that for once, I'll REMAIN an "after," thanks to my sleeve...
I've just got to keep looking forward to my sleeve, and looking forward to having something there to help me both lose weight and then keep it off. BRING ON SEPTEMBER ALREADY!
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