Up Close and Personal... starring My Body

This post is going to be pretty bloody honest and raw... because there'll be some hideous photos in here.

Now, I've posted some unflattering photos of myself before, right at the beginning, but these are taken NOW and these are of my flesh. God they're confronting for me - to see how my body looks in a photograph is really sad. I don't want to be as fat as that anymore - I look like an overstuffed sausage.

Still, I think it's important to have these photos. Partly to show me that I AM doing the right thing by having my surgery (not that I really feel otherwise at the moment, but come closer to the surgery date, I might be feeling that way and I'll be able to look at these and reassure myself it's the right thing to do), and partly so I have something to look back on and go, "Holy Crap, look how much I've changed!"

Why am I sharing them with you guys? Well, because I like that I'm kind of accountable to you - whoever "you" may be. I also hope that perhaps someone comes across this blog oneday and sees the difference between my NOW photos and my future photos when the weight has come off... or even if someone just sees my photos and thinks, "Well, I'm not that bad then am I?" I mean, that sounds kind of bad... but I'll be happy if someone sees my fatty flesh and feels less hideous as a result, especially when people are generally nice to me online about how I look (because I think I tend to cover up my flesh fairly well).

First though, here's me with clothes. Yeah, the shot is taken in the reflection of a window so it's kind of weird, but I don't have a full length mirror (I will so get one soon!) and figured this might be a better way to give you the general idea of my shape/size.

 I've pulled my clothes tight in these pics so you can see my outline a bit better. Personally, I think I look much better front-on in clothes because you can't see as many bumps and lumps as side-on... at least in clothes anyway. Front-on, I even have a hint of a curve at my middle.

Now it's time for the "ew" pics. These have seriously made me cry looking at them, but I guess that's what happens when you see how hideous you look this up-close. Looking in a mirror is different for me... maybe because I can pose, or avert my eyes from the gross areas and instead focus on my breasts (because seriously, they are about the only thing worth looking at, and the'yre not all lumpy and bumpy like the rest of me). I haven't done a full body shot... more smaller shots of what I'd consider my least attractive areas...

My chin/neck...

Okay, so apart from the fact there's a pimple there and I had the way my lips and chin stick out (I seriously want my chin to be cut off), you can see there'd a fair bit of excess flab here. I am hoping this will disappear... but I do think I won't get away with it being gone entirely because even my skinny relatives have flabby chin/necks, and so I'm thinking it might just be something my family has. *sigh* Still, if I could face you front-on and now have that extra bit to wobble around under my jaw, I'll be a happy girl.

My Arms...

Ahhh... delightful tuck-shop lady arms. *vomit* Mine are really quite fleshy and I hate them. If I could get rid of the majority of that flesh, even if it still had sag to it, I would be pleased. They're so huge they have difficulty fitting into things... and that's just pathetic and really upsetting.

My thighs...

They're touching to the knee! Seriously - that's disturbing. I also hate the amount of lumps and bumps in them - it's so very flabby rather than simply being large. Much like an overstuffed sausage really. I aim to exercise these babies off - I will still have large thighs I suspect, but they could touch a lot less and be a lot firmer, not so lumpy and jiggly.

My backside...

I actually think I could look nice from this angle if I firmed up and lost a bit. I suspect I'll always have a largeish bottom, but to be less bumpy, to be firmer and smaller, I think I might look okay from this angle (perhaps because there are no stretchmarks?). I have a very obvious arch in my lower back, that I think could potentially be sexy if the rest of me sorted itself out.

Now for the ones that upset me the most... my middle...

You can see my stretchmarks clearly - and they'll be the reason that even if I end up with a really hot body (which I won't anyway), I will never be pleased enough to show it to the world. You can also see, particularly in the middle photo, where my stomach kind of hangs over itself. I am sure this has to do with weight as well, but it's also a looser skin there, and the "crease" part is where my caesarean scar is... so I'm not sure this will ever completely go away.

I really dislike the way my belly button is very long and looks like a sad-face... though part of it is ugly because I've had an incision there before when I had my gallbladder removed, so it's probably going to be kind of unattractive after weight loss anyway.

You can see though, that my body WANTS to be hourglass-ish... so I really do hope that it manages to get there oneday. My hips and that horrible muffin top really upset me though - I can grab those parts with my hand and jiggle them around. Reminds me of the Simpsons, "Grab some flab!" (where Homer wants to get on disability and gets really really fat to do so...).

These do make me quite unhappy though - knowing that this is what my partner has to put up with by being with me. I get a nice, slender, toned body to look at and touch. He gets... this. I feel really guilty and like I'm treating him really badly by being with him since this is what he gets. Gross.

The pictures are sobering, and upsetting... but I guess they can also bring me hope in knowing that this is as bad as it'll get... that in a bit over a month, I'll be making a permanent adjustment to my life to make sure that this goes away and doesn't happy ever again.



The Beauty of Hindsight, Grotesque Photographs and Knowing Better than Teenagers...

I think I've been an idiot by telling some people about my upcoming WLS. I really should have kept my mouth shut. I have been somewhat picky with who I tell IRL, because I didn't want to have to deal with negativity. I thought I had selected well, but now I think perhaps not.

MIL, though she can be quite cruel at times, seemed like an okay person to tell. I mean, she would have probably found out anyway, when I wasn't around or was sore after surgery (since we see her often), so I kind of thought telling her outright would be a better idea than having DP (a poor liar) scramble for a semi-decent story to tell her... plus, she'd even mentioned the lapband to me previously, so that, to me, said that she was open to WLS and thus telling her wouldn't be a bad thing.

She hasn't SAID anything nasty, but if I ever mention it, she just grunts... so I've naturally come to the conclusion that she's against it. Perhaps she hates the idea of the sleeve rather than band and that's why, but tbh, I think it's more about the fact that I'm paying for it myself. She tried to tell me I could get a band on Medicare and should do that (can't in Qld - and even if I could, I doubt I'd meet the requirements for it... PLUS I don't want a lapband). So, while she's not vocally objecting, I can tell she's not happy... and I don't know why that matters, but it does.

My neighbour has gone a bit similar, though a bit more subtly. I keep getting suggestions as to how to lose weight in other ways... although the advice is coming from someone who hasn't really ever had weight issues, and doesn't have to watch what she eats or exercise or anything to stay reasonably slim. She KNOWS I'm having surgery soon, so giving me suggestions of diet plans just seems silly to me - what's the point in forking out lots on some fad diet at this stage in the game?

Anyway, I really think I should have just shut up. I don't see my neighbour much other than school mornings and afternoons to drop-off/pick-up kids from the bus stop, so that's not too bad... but I do see MIL regularly, so I would like it if I could not feel judged.

I dunno why she has a problem with me paying for it either - her son isn't paying for it, it's not a loan in HIS name. She probably thinks there are much better things I could use the money on (maybe a car?) and while there are a number of things the money could go towards, I don't think a car is more important than my physical health, or my emotional health either for that matter. I hate not driving, but if I had to choose between driving and losing weight, it's an easy choice. Losing weight would always win.

I need to get some "BEFORE" photos taken as well. Some grotesque ones. You know, undie-shots to show me in all my hideous glory so I can see JUST HOW MUCH I've changed? I might take some clothed ones too in case I'd rather not share my nudity with the world (don't worry, I'll cover up my bits and pieces, but still might not want underwear shots available to all and sundry). I guess I'll see how I feel at the time.

On another note, I've completed my first 2 uni assessments and am currently awaiting my results. I am scared they'll be bad because I've kind of slacked off... but given I saw some of the other student's work in one of my units, I think I'll do a lot better than some of them (who don't even reference properly, despite being sent a message from the tutors telling us how to do it correctly). Most of them are fresh out of school though I suppose, so I guess I SHOULD know better.

*sigh*

Swimwear, a crotch-shot and army-songs

I think I'm really looking forward to being considered "small," or "average," at the very least (given I'm short though, I'm hoping I can manage to be referred to as "small," at least once... lol).

It's so vain, and so superficial, but I can't wait to wear a bathing suit and go swimming. Nothing that shows off an incredible amount of skin, especially as I have stretchmarks all over my stomach... but something that I can wear that doesn't look like I'm in the water in regular clothes (boardshorts and extra-long tankini to make sure nothing shows). 

I'd love to have the legs to pull something like this off!

My thighs are constantly rubbing against each other, so to get rid of the majority of that, I would be THRILLED. I'd love to have "the gap," between them too. You might not know what I'm talking about, and I'll probably never ever get there as even some skinny girls don't have it... but I dunno, I've always wanted one... well, since I was about 15 anyway.

This gap, right here

I know that's wishful thinking though, because I'm a girl with hefty thighs, so if I could just get NICE thighs or a non-gigantic size, then I'd be happy. I'm willing to work my arse off (or thigh fat off) to get nice, toned, swimsuit-ready legs as well... I've never had nice legs, so I really hope that I can at least make legs that aren't so hideous I feel I must cover them up to at least the knee.

If I can get to Summer 2012/2013 and look good in a swimsuit WITHOUT boardies (or at least without knee-length ones), then I'll be thrilled.

I've also began lusting after outfits at http://www.modcloth.com/. Lord knows I probably won't be able to afford their stuff thanks to insane postage prices (about $50 - at least!) but maybe I could get them sent to DP's sister (who lives in the USA) and have her send them over as a gift... I'm pretty sure "gift" posting rather than stores shipping stuff here means a cheaper fee. I dunno. They DO stock plus-sizes, but not many, so I cannot wait until I am able to order some of their delightful outfits.

I've been thinking about my goal weight too. What's a good goal? According to BMI, my healthy weight would be between 51 and 64kg... but I have no idea what I look like at those weights! Well, actually, I think about about 60-65kg when I was 12... lol. I was as somewhere around the same height too (I stopped growing early... hence why I'm a midget these days) and I think wore a size 8-10. That's hardly what I'd consider overweight, though according to BMI, if I was 65kg now I'd be overweight. SIXTY FIVE FREAKING KILOS AND OVERWEIGHT! BMI is crazy.

I guess maybe I should aim for dress-sizes then, rather than weight? I think I'd probably be okay at a small 12, large 10? Considering I'm only 160cm tall, I think that sounds reasonable. I dunno though... I think I'll just have to get to a point where I think, "yep, I'm happy here," and stop trying to lose.

*Have removed the end of this post. It contained information about my new niece, but given family issues, I'm not sure it's appropriate for me to have information about their baby here.*

Soups

I know I said I was happy to just eat what I want up until my pre-op diet, and not give two hoots about my weight... but I have gotten a little fatter recently (just a little, but still) and it's annoyed me so much that I've decided I'm going to lose a tiny bit... or at least avoid putting any more on.

I'm not going to do much to encourage this... there'll be no excessive dieting or exercise or anything like that because I still want to enjoy being free to not care so much for a while... but I do need to make sure I don't gain 10kg before my surgery... that would just be embarrassing. So, I've decided to cut out snacking and make a better choice at lunch.

Lunch will be soup. Just plain old boring soup. It's filling, it's somewhat okay-tasting, and it has few calories or fat content, so it should be okay to at least maintain my current weight. Today I had 1/2 large can of some chunky soup stuff - it was about 150-ish calories (I looked the other day when I was wondering if soup was a good choice or not - I have no idea how much is actually in it, but it was 2 serves to the can and under 150 calories per serve) so pretty low really. Tasted okay.

Purchased a bunch of those Woolies soups too - those ones they serve in the cold section in little tubs. I've had the minestrone one before and that was nice, so grabbed 4 different flavours and am hoping they'll be decent. Will be good to know too, cos then I can puree the life out of them post-op if they're yummy.

I've actually been thinking about the pre-op diet too, and how I'll cope on that. Not very well I bet. I suspect there'll be many more entries in here when that time rolls around, because I'll be so miserable with that horrible stuff. Have I mentioned before that I don't even like milkshakes that much when they're fatty, calorie-laden things? Well, I don't. Chocolate is my flavour. THE ONLY flavour I drink. Fruit and Dairy, to me, just seems wrong together... so I don't generally do banana or strawberry or anything else.

I'm going to have to though... I got given a pack for free, an expensive blood pack too, so I'm going to use them all. Well, not ALL. Not coffee. I don't drink coffee, so I'm not using those. Someone want them? Let me know - they're yours (Optifast shakes in case you've got no idea wtf I'm talking about).

I will TRY the soups. Just to see if I think they're are repulsive as everyone else keeps saying. lol. I bet they will be, and you'll all hear about it.

I'm looking forward to the mousse... but I'm not really a sweet person so all the sweet stuff will annoy me, I know. I'll be longing for some savoury come surgery, so hopefully it won't take too long before they give me some broth or something (gross normally, but not when you're starving and want something salty).

How much should I aim to lose? That's another question I keep thinking. Not post-op, but on the pre-op diet. I'm thinking 5kg. That's over 2 weeks. It sounds like a huge amount over only 2 weeks, but I always lose the first 4kg so damn easily. They just drop off in a week... and then I never lose weight again. So if I can lose that 4kg, plus an extra kg I'll be happy. Actually, I lie. I'll probably not be happy because I'll be starving and consuming only disgusting Optifast... but I'll TRY to be happy... lol.

If you're here to make fun - FUCK OFF!

With so many views on my page (well, considering the small number of followers I have anyway), I often wonder who the hell is reading. I know some will be my followers, some will be people who've asked for the link but haven't clicked the follow button and others could quite possibly be those who came to my blog from a link on youtube/a link on a forum I'm a member of. Thing is, I always figured that the only people who'd bother even coming here would be those who don't hate me, and are possibly interested in my weight loss surgery journey.

Turns out though, that some have come to my blog simply for a bit of a laugh... and that really sucks.

Now I'm not stupid - I know that when I created this public blog that every man and his dog would be able to read it if they so wished (and entered in the right keywords to find it/stumbled across a link to it). I just thought that if you have no interest in a person, think they're a tosser or whatever, you don't go clicking links to their blog... and then having a good ol' laugh about how much of an overshare it is. But no, this has happened on a forum, and thus I have removed the link from there... which sucks because it was put there for those who had PMed me about the sleeve... so that if anyone else wanted to know more, they could always try my blog first and not feel like an idiot for contacting me personally (though I love being contacted, so feel free!).

Luckily for me, joking about how much I'm willing to share with the world is about as bad as it got... but others have copped far worse when their blog was read by bitches... and I just can't believe that people are SO bored and SO pathetic that they spend their time reading a blog written by something they cannot relate to, and written by someone they do not have a nice thing to say about. I wouldn't go searching for some a-hole's personal blog... why do people read our blogs if they don't like us?

Well, screw them. I'm going to continue to post whatever I damn well please on here, for all and sundry to read, because isn't that what a blog is supposed to fucking be?! So what if I mentioned my "puffy vagina?" Is talking about your vagina taboo? I certainly don't find it to be a topic best avoided - if more women talked about the not-so-ladylike parts of themselves, perhaps we'd all feel a little less like freaks. Perhaps oneday someone will find this, read about my puffy vagina and think to herself, "Oh, good, it's not just me then!" What else does she have to compare it to anyway, apart from that shown in porn, which rarely represents the average women?

So yes, I'll continue to discuss my vagina if I so wish... just be happy I don't post a photo of it! (I almost said "of the bloody thing!" but it sounded a bit too much like "that time of the month," for me... lol).

Okay, aside from that little rant...

Went to a cocktail party last weekend and ended up drunk as a skunk. I wonder if I'll be able to do that post-surgery... or will I simply get drunk on a lot less? Who knows. It's not something I do often so I'm not all that worried... just curious really.

The party had us all dressing up - some in costume, some just over-the-top. I wore the black-with-red-spots dress I posted a while back... false lashes, red nails, red lips... etc etc. Very OTT, but oh-so-fabulous. lol.

Me on the far right.

The photo doesn't have everyone who attended, just some of us... earlier in the night. And yes, we had 2 men in Frankenfurter-esque attire, and fishnets seemed to be in fashion for the night (I'm wearing a pair with RIDICULOUSLY high red heels). Here's what my face looked like all made up:

Total Slut. (lol jks)

A great night was had by all. It was SO MUCH FUN. DP didn't attend - but I had an absolutely marvellous time. We had Pina Coladas, Midori Illusions, Strawberry Daquiris, Black Russians... lots of things. I also had at least 7 shots... jeez I'm a drunk. And would you believe: NO HANGOVER AND NO SPEWING! I was pretty impressed considering it's been about 3 years (over 3 years actually) since I've done something like this.

Still just waiting for my pre-op disgusting diet to start... it'll start on August 22 so I've still got a while to go before then... and for now, am just eating whatever I feel like. I have no idea what I weigh - I'm not weighing myself. I am so satisfied in knowing that I'm having a holiday for all of that... enjoying myself instead of worrying about my weight. I'll be overwhelmed with how much I'm thinking about it all soon enough... so for now I just want to slack off and do whatever I feel like. It's going well too - everything still fits. lol.