2nd Post of the Day - More "How I Became Fat."

I signed off really quickly from my first post... and didn't get into much detail about some of the issues that I know plague me even now.

So, let's go back to my relationship with my daughter's father...

I was 18 when I met him. I met him online. Well, actually, I think I was more like 17 when I first started talking to him... turned 18 when I met him face-to-face though. He ended moving interstate and getting a job here. 4 months into our relationship... I was pregnant.

Me at 18, him at 19 and being together only 5 months when we found out... well, it's not the greatest of foundations for a long-lasting relationship, but I was sure as hell going to give it a go.

After I had my daughter and put on the 30kg I mentioned in my first post, our relationship got worse and worse. I didn't put it down to my weight though... there were heaps of reasons things could have been shit. I mean, we were young, and poor, and were parents, and he worked double shifts all the time which meant I didn't get to spend much time with him.

Anyway, as I said... we split up and he said that thing I mentioned in my first post here.

Well, let's continue on from there...

He got a gf. Immediately. Well, pretty much. I started a relationship with DP soon afterwards, so how soon it all happened wasn't too much of a concern... but more the fact that it happened with a girl he was working with. Who moved in the moment I moved out. Did he cheat on me with her?

I was open and honest about the fact I was seeing someone with him, figuring it'd make things easier for everyone if I didn't tell fibs and hide it. He obviously didn't want to show me a similar respect though, because the way I first heard about it was when my daughter (then 3) came home telling me that her Dad slept in this other girls bed...

I asked him about it, but he denied it... and another time I went over to pick up DD, I was looking for something I had left there. He said he didn't have it, but I had a look anyway... and in his bedroom was a photo album open on the bed... photos of this girl in her underwear. I kept wondering... did he leave this there on purpose? She was a skinny blonde... I was fat. I admit that I did feel a little shocked as all the time we were together, never once did he ever consider taking photos of us... and then it hit me: probably because he didn't WANT photos of someone who looked like me.

Well, he became a slack father and hardly saw our daughter, so one day, I cracked the shits and told him he had to see her more, that she was crying about it all, and he needed to step up and be a good father. In response to this, I recieved a large number of text messages... though strangely (or not so strangely, really), they didn't seem to be written the same way his messages usually were. It was just written differently and so I've assumed that it was his new gf who wrote it.

No matter who wrote it (maybe he dictated and she typed?), it was nasty. Full of comments about how disgustingly obese I am, how nobody ever wanted me, how it was a suprise I ever had the chance to get pregnant in the first place, and how I should go sit on the couch and shovel in more donuts.

Those messages really hurt... but eventually... I got over it. As much as you can, anyway.

Well, last year, I went interstate and visited the ex's family. The ex now lives overseas and never sees, let alone calls, his daughter, but his family (particularly his sister) still keeps in contact and so we went and saw them. It was great and I got to cuddle a cute baby... awwww...

Anyway, while I was there, I spent some time staying with the ex's mother. She's had that house for most of my ex's life, so he grew up there. It's also where he stayed before he moved overseas (which happened at the end of 2008).

DD was playing in that room when we were staying there (it was the bedroom the ex had as a kid), and dropped a ball that rolled under the bed. I went to get it out... and out came a diary. As in, a journal. I knew he kept these sorts of things... he used to write in them when we were together, though took them everywhere with him so that there was no chance of me ever seeing what was written in them.

Now I know why.

I opened it. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. Who, in all honesty, wouldn't take a peek?

The first page was started when I was pregnant with our daughter. I was half way through the pregnancy when he wrote it... and apparently, he hated me even back then. He talks about how he doesn't like me, how I'm a spoilt brat... and how UGLY I am. Oh - and fat.

That shook me. I mean, I was with DP when I read this, but I still didn't know that the ex hated me for so long. Going by this, he hated me for the absolute majority of our relationship.

The entries continue up until DD was 3 months of age. He says some really horrible things in there about how he doesn't even love her - how he has to pretend he does, tells people, "Oh yeah, she's doing this now and it's cute," etc but that he doesn't even mean it. He even makes fun of the fact that he's so good at pretending to be the doting father. That bit made me sick. What kind of dickhead jokes about that sort of thing? That's made me determined to not let him in my daughter's life again. He can call her, he can send presents and letters... but I am not having a fuckwit like that flit in and out of her life and make things worse for her. That was a horrible thing to read.

Apart from that though, he talked about how fat I was. How disgusting I had become. How one night, I cried because he had not even been wanting to hug me, and I was feeling unloved and unwanted (which I obviously had good reason to feel!)... and so he felt guilty and had sex with me. He then goes on to talk about how revolting it was, and how he wasn't sure how his body even allowed him to, because he was so turned off by me.

Well, that was a bit of a kick in the guts really, because even if it's from an ex you're glad to be rid of, nobody wants to read that kind of thing about themselves. I do wonder if he left it there on purpose though...? He probably didn't. He's not that clever.

Aside from the ex, I did mention that I lost a bunch of weight starving myself after our break-up. That just confirmed to me, that weight is SO IMPORTANT in regards to how people treat you.

The first night I broke up with my ex, I went out with some friends. Clubbing, as you do. People, who were friends with my friends, were polite to me, but that's about it. I was otherwise ignored. I continued to go out with them as time went on and the weight dropped off... and at 27kg lighter, people were talking to me, cracking on to me, treating me with respect. Girls and guys - it didn't matter - all of a sudden I was worth speaking to.

Even just people in shops treated me differently - I got greeted with smiles and offers of help, rather than being ignored when I entered a shop. I had people offering to help me with things even if I didn't need it (just random strangers), whereas before, even if I really needed help, nobody would have offered. It was just so very different, and I really blame this period in my life for my anxiety issues... because before, I could tell myself that looks didn't matter THAT much... but now... well, now I had evidence that looks seem to matter above all else.

So how did I put that weight back on? Well, when you starve yourself it rarely stays off long-term... but mine did stay off for a while. Then all of a sudden, I kept on gaining. No idea why... my diet didn't change. Turns out that it was my medication for my anxiety/depression... so now I'm on a different one, which doesn't have me gaining like crazy but doesn't help all that much either.

There you have it - how I got fat.