Before I post - I haven't taken my medication, so I'm full of anxiety and paranoia today. Why didn't I take my medication? I dunno. I keep forgetting it these days because I no longer take it at night (keeps me awake) when I take my pill, and so I often just forget about it altogether.
So, basically, chances are I'm going to be ranting and sooking about something that won't even bother me after I take my medication, and isn't even likely anyway... but blah... right now it's bothering me so I need to type it out...
This morning, we went to the shops and as we were getting out the car, the lady opposite us was this tall skinny thing all done up with her skinny-jeans and her nice hair and everything... and I had a messy ponytail (and I'm not one of those people who make messy ponytails look hot either - I just look like a bum who needs to brush her hair... lol), a dress that DD had flicked a bit of paint onto and I had tried to give it a quick wipe-off (so there was still a light stain on my boob), and no make-up... I just looked pretty feral tbh. It's only the local shops, and we live in an area full of bogans, so I expected to just blend in.
Instead, it must have been shopping day for hot girls. They were freaking everywhere - with their perky boobs and their sexy legs and their flat stomachs. There was me... all fat and gross. Immediately, I was unimpressed. DP was perving on the girl across from our car - he was doing it subtly, but when I fail to take my medication, if I see an attractive girl I'll keep my eye on him to see if he's checking her out... it's like I go out of my way to bother myself about nothing.
I mean, so what? She WAS good-looking after all... and ON my medication, I don't really care if he has a look, I just laugh at him to myself...
I comforted myself with, "Don't worry Stacey, in a year you'll be smaller and sexier and guys will be checking you out... DP will be checking you out..." then my anxiety-ridden mind decided to be a bitch and taunt me by suggesting: What if he doesn't?
What if I lose weight, and get more attractive and healthier and DP doesn't notice? I mean, I'm sure he'll notice... but what if he doesn't care? What if he doesn't perve on me? What if he's still looking at all these hot girls and I'm still feeling like the hideous fat girl who nobody wants to look at, even though I'm not? Again, this is all no-medication talk, because ON my medication, I'm able to think more rationally about all of this...
For example: Who cares? He obviously likes me enough to be with me. He cuddles and kisses me. He gets all touchy-feely if I'm wandering around naked (even though it's far from a pretty sight). He tells me he loves me and enjoys my company... blah blah. Those hot girls could be a-holes. They could be idiots. They could not even be interested in him. Who really cares if he perves on me when I lose weight or not? I mean, he obviously manages to find me attractive enough right now, as a fat person, so he'll manage to feel the same when I'm smaller too I'm sure.
BUT... when you're not on your meds, that rationale is pushed aside and crazy takes over.
So crazy then suggests: What if he DOES perve on you all the time?
Then I start thinking about all this other stuff he DOESN'T do now... and wonder how I'll feel if it does happen after I start losing weight.
I mean, will I be angry with him if he starts holding my hand when we go out. I think I would be. We don't do it now - we don't do physical intimacy when out in public. Neither of us are PDA fans, but I'd be okay with hand-holding... he says he's just not into it. Then paranoid me wonders: Is it just because if he does, everyone will know he's with me? Everyone will see he's with that fat girl? Is THAT why he doesn't do it? And if I lose weight, will he do it then? Will I no longer be a shameful secret?
Again, he's not done anything to make me think I'm an embarrassment, but not taking my meds makes me crazy and makes me think all these things and ignore proper reasoning.
Or what if I get full of myself? I already have begun to joke with DP - I'll say stuff like, "You can get away with it now, but just you wait... when I lose some weight, everyone will love me because I'll be so hot and if you do that (whatever "that" may be), I'll just leave you for one of my many admirers...lol."
It's all just a joke... but what if I turn into a bitch? What if I go "haha - I'm skinny now - screw you all - I'm so awesome and hot and you all suck! I'm going to flounce away and associate only will fellow hot people!" I'm sure that won't be me, but I worry anyway. Partly, I worry about this today because I was all affair-girl in my dream last night. In it, I cheated on DP... because I'd lost weight and people found me hot. One guy said some nice things to me, so I did him in a bathroom. Yep - I know, what a slut. A dream slut though, at least... lol. It wasn't very good though, if that makes it better, and dream-me felt guilty (and I woke up feeling as if I had actually betrayed DP by being a skank in my dream).
I think I just need to go have my bloody medication so I can stop being paranoid about stupid shit like this. I have no reason to think he's going to go, "Nope, you're still hideous!" when I lose weight, or to think I'll turn into a huge bitch afterwards either... so I really just need to focus on taking my freaking meds.
I'm still waiting to find out the results of my loan application - the latest I should know is Friday, so I'm hanging out waiting! I really want to know...
As a person who takes medication herself my first recommendation is to GO and HAVE your meds ;-P My second recommendation is to talk to Mish about how you are feeling. She has mentioned before seeing someone to talk about her feelings and insecurities because she knows just loosing weight won't solve her issues. I know that I've only just met you, but maybe that would be an option for you as well?
ReplyDeleteBut more importantly, your DP obviously loves you, I think I read that he is helping you save for your surgery (I hope you are the right person) which means he wants to help you loose weight and become healthier. He loves you now for who you are, what you are and again more importantly for the person you are inside. I doubt that will change as you loose weight.
It's totally normal to worry about that stuff. I think most of us do it subconsciously and a lot of the time, it's the reason we sabotage ourselves when we try and lose weight!
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, my relationship has only gotten stronger. And I'm sure the same will happen to you :)