Scared to be Skinny (and liposuction, hiatus hernias and loan applications)

I'm scared.

However, I'm not scared about the things you may imagine. I'm not afraid of the needles I'll have to deal with, the pain I'll no doubt suffer afterwards (though I'm not looking foward to it either), or the fact that the majority of my stomach will be removed permanently and then tossed away as if it lacks importance. I'm not even afraid of the small possibility that my operation will end in death. That, to me, is an unlikely possibility and so not one worth fearing... the same as I don't constantly fear dying in a car crash whenever I am in a car. It's such a small possibility that it's not worth entertaining. Not for me anyway... not at this point in time.

No, what I am afraid of is losing weight.

It sounds so silly. I mean, why am I having this operation if not to lose weight? Of course I WANT to lose weight - but it's still frightening to me.

I've been looking at before and afters, reading blogs, watching v-logs, etc etc all about the sleeve... and the only thing that really frightens me at this point in time is the fact that I will be losing weight. A significant amount of weight. Weight that will be lost permanently.

I want to be thinner and healthier - but it is something that is so foreign to me that I am afraid of it.

I've never been thin... certainly not as an adult anyway. Despite the fact that my weight has caused me troubles, it's something I am used to and with that comes a small comfort. I know how to dress myself, for example. I know my body shape, and even as it grows and alters slightly, I still know that I have to find clothes that cater to a large bust, a large bum and large thighs. If you ask me to describe my body, I will most definitely mention those 3 things, because it's how I've always been.

I also know that I am relatively "safe," when it comes to social situations. Rare is it when I have to turn someone down who is paying me more attention than I appreciate. I know that getting attention, at the moment, is simply a matter of displaying my breasts proudly... if I want attention, I have them out and on display for all to enjoy. (lol). If I do not want attention, I cover them up a lot more. It's an on/off switch for me - boobs out = attention, boobs in = ivisibility.

If I lose weight though, will I become more of a target for unsolicited attention? Will I have men become more interested in me? I have no doubt that these are quite strong possibilities - most people will find that as their excess weight disappears, they seem to become more appealing to the opposite sex. In theory, this sounds awesome - having men want me rather than repelling them sounds pretty great. But in reality, I fear it'll be different, as it's something I've never had to deal with before. Will I cope?

This body of mine has long been bigger-than-average, and that is going to change... will that change how I define myself? Will I become a completely different person as a result? I am afraid of the freedoms that will open up to me... not because I do not want them, but because they are unfamiliar and therefore worth fearing.

I am also afraid of losing parts of my body that I am not particularly unhappy with. Like my breasts. I know they are likely to shrink, but I am afraid of losing them altogether. I know that if this is to occur, I'll no doubt look into surgery to replace what was once there... but at the same time, I do not want that. I have enjoyed because a girl with "great tits," and am not sure I want to change that to being a girl with, "fake tits."

I also enjoy the shape of my body - a more hourglass shape, though right now it is an oversized hourglass... more like a several-hour glass... lol. Will that disappear? Will I go from being hourglass in shape, to some other body shape that I am not used to and have no idea how to deal with? I long for body shapes that I do not have all the time, but I also KNOW how to work with my shape and am afraid of it changing into something else completely.

I will survive, regardless, and I will learn to appreciate whatever changes come to my body... but I am fearful all the same. This body, while full of faults and issues, has been my own. I am used to it, and have found comfort in my various flaws... I can hide behind my weight and use it as a shield.

Perhaps when I lose weight, I will no longer want a shield? Perhaps I will not need to protect myself so much anymore, because I will not face the same ridicule I have been subjected to as an obese woman and teenager. Perhaps I will be happy to no longer hide, and feel free to express myself however I wish, without worrying how others may view me so much.

I guess time will tell.

And time will tell... as I have put in my loan application and hope against hope that I am approved so that I can have my surgery ASAP. All going well, I'll be looking at having surgery somewhere between September and December - I'll be booking my appointment to arrange my surgery soon after I have recieved my money/approval of my loan.

In other news, my partner's sisters know something is going on and think that I am planning to have liposuction. lol. I have told one of them that I have no such plans, that it doesn't rid you of much weight anyhow (I think they get rid of about 5kg... lipo, in my opinion, is for those who a tiny bit flabby, but otherwise quite thin), that I do not have access to that kind of money even if I did want lipo.

They have become suspicious because of my facebook... one decided it a good idea to go through ALL of my previous status updates... and I have mentioned this in there (the sleeve), though not exactly in an obvious way. One message read something like, "I'll do whatever I damn well please with my own body - if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it," blah blah. About 6 messages later, there was, "I can't wait to be skinny (or skinnier at least)." She obviously figured both of these two were linked (they were) and assumed it was about liposuction (it wasn't).

I've told her that it's just about duromine - a weight loss prescription medication that my doctor  wanted to put me on, but something that others have been quite negative about. I figure that's a reasonable explanation, and my doctor, in the past, HAS put me on duromine... so I have a half-taken packet laying around on my bench as evidence if it's really required.

I was annoyed though that they were discussing me amongst themselves... no doubt laughing at their brother's choice of fat girlfriend as they did so (one, in particular, doesn't like me much, and I know that my weight would be a very easy target for her).

It does make me realise though, that I'm going to have to come up with some explanation as to why I'm eating so little, why I ended up in surgery (in case they find out), why I'm losing weight, etc. I have read that one sleeve-giving doctor suggested saying it was a hiatus hernia removal... as that would cover the scarring (not that anyone will see mine), the diet afterwards, and the diet would cover the weight-loss. I think I may go with this... I don't want to make out that I have come across "the magic answer," to weight-loss (without surgery) because that would be a lie and I wouldn't feel right telling it and perhaps giving others false hope.

I think I may google hiatus hernias, so I can at least be prepared to answer any questions thrown at me... not that I'd be well-read about them if I really did have one, but I'd at least have a doctor telling me enough about it so I know why it's a problem, etc.