I'm into my last week of normal eating before my surgery. Next Monday I'll be on the pre-op Optifast diet, and in under 3 weeks I'll be in hospital getting my sleeve done.
So, the time comes for me to farewell a lifelong friend. This friend has been there through good times and bad, has listened to me cry tears of sorrow, has cheered me up when I'm feeling blue, has let me know they're there for me when nobody else seems to be. Unfortunately, this friend has also kicked me when I'm down, taken over my life and has made me very dependant. Yep, my friend Food.
I have a love/hate relationship with Food as so far I've been willing to put up with it, but the time has come to say goodbye. Not forever - I'll still spend time with Food from time-to-time, but our relationship will not be the same again. I will not head to Food for comfort, I will not depend on Food for support, and I'll be spending much less time with Food.
It'll be a tough break though, so I am spending this week saying farewell to Food, reliving some memories we shared and spending some time together for old time's sake.
As silly as this all sounds, that's exactly what it's like. Food has always been there when I needed it, and now I've got to say goodbye, and as absurd as it sounds, it's a little bit scary and it's a sad thing. As much as I hate Food, I love it too... so this "letting go," thing is a process.
It sounds so very counter-productive to enjoy eating whatever I damn well please pre-op, but it's not a physical issue - it's a psychological one. I need to mourn my relationship with food, and I need to let it go. I feel that the best way for me to do this is to not deprive myself, to have some yummy eating experiences, and then to feel like I've gotten all I need from Food so I can move on.
Yes, I've given food a capital F... because Food really is like a person to me... the way I've used it anyway.
Strange though it might be, I'm actually finding saying goodbye a lot easier by looking at my meals as, "this is my last McDonalds meal..." etc etc. So I can enjoy it fully, so I have my opportunity to properly say goodbye. Yes, I do need to say goodbye. I need to grieve the loss of this friend, I need to let Food go because if I don't, then how will I cope emotionally when Food's not there for me post-op? I think I need to accept that our relationship is over, or at least completely different, to be able to better to deal with everything emotionally.
It's not about pigging out - I don't have intentions to binge. I'm just replacing some of my usual meals with favourite versions - I mean, instead of having a vegemite sandwich for lunch, I might have a ham, cheese and tomato sandwich instead, because I enjoy that more. We're still eating boring things - I had meatballs and salad for dinner last night and that's definitely not something that I particularly enjoy... but when I can choose something a bit tastier, I'm going to go for it, because I've only got this time left until things change.
I know lots of people do not understand this feeling - but I'm also hopeful that those who've been in this position, waiting for your operation to happen, do understand it. Thinking of it like saying goodbye to a friend is a really easy way for me to process it, and I honestly think that with this last week of enjoyment in eating whatever I please, I am making it easier for myself. I already feel, inside, that this is helping... I find myself feeling a lot less worried about not being able to eat like this again... it's taking a nice, slow pace and it's working for me.
So goodbye Food... let's enjoy this last week we have together, but after that, you and I won't be spending so much time together with you anymore.
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