Well, I came online, checked my eMail and saw I had a comment. YAY! In case you can't be bothered searching for it, it was from my previous entry today and read:
Being that vain (as you put it) can't be a nice way to live.
From personal experience I know that the weight loss is not going to fix your problems. If you want to be a healthy, well rounded (not in the fleshy way lol!), well liked person you are going to have to do some serious work with a councelor. After a while people will stop saying "wow! you look fantastic!" and then what? Will you be happy to just live your life or will you strive to find something else to make them stand up and take notice?
I hope you get what you need :)
From personal experience I know that the weight loss is not going to fix your problems. If you want to be a healthy, well rounded (not in the fleshy way lol!), well liked person you are going to have to do some serious work with a councelor. After a while people will stop saying "wow! you look fantastic!" and then what? Will you be happy to just live your life or will you strive to find something else to make them stand up and take notice?
I hope you get what you need :)
Now I have no issues with what this person wrote, so if you wrote this, please don't think you've upset or offended me or that I'm angry with you or whatever... you just triggered something in me.
Basically, I wonder if those reading this blog see me as naive and stupid. Or those I speak to elsewhere about my WLS too I suppose. Just anyone really. Do I truly come across as thinking that weight loss will solve all my life's problems?
If I do, then please know that this is simply a case of me not presenting myself well enough. The fact is, I know that the only thing weight loss will solve is how much space I take up when laying in bed. I mean, I will also likely become somewhat more attractive to the majority of the opposite sex with weight loss (since, sadly, we're sold the message that skinny is ideal and fat is revolting - something that I have unintentionally taken on inside myself), and I will also probably find life more comfortable (in regards to moving about)... but generally, I know that weight loss will just mean losing weight. Not problem-solving. I have no illusions about waking up skinny and being incredibly happy with my life and all it entails.
As I've said before, I've lost a chunk of weight in the past. That 27kg I lost in 2008 as a result of starving/purging over 2-3 months. That's a lot of weight in a short amount of time, and trust me when I say that weight loss did not bring me great happiness. There were things I was happier with - I must say I did enjoy the attention I recieved, but I also DISLIKED it as well. When you get into a taxi and have drivers hitting on you, it's just not something you can be happy with - it's uncomfortable, at best, and you just want to be left alone. If you want to be hit on, you go to a club... not get in a taxi where you're trapped with some strange guy.
Anyway, that's kinda beside the point... but basically, I was no happier having lost 27kg than I was before I lost it. I was happier that shopping was easier. I was more comfortable (and could easily wear heels for hours without feeling like my feet were dying) and people treated me better. However, the fact that people treated me nicer actually made things worse. Believe it or not, I think my body hate got WORSE at that point... because it made things clear to me: It didn't matter who I was inside - all that mattered was the packaging. I had evidence of that - I hadn't changed who I was as a person, I was just smaller... but people seemed to treat me so much better, and that just made me feel like absolute shit. I had always thought that my weight caused some social issues - but now I had proof of it. It sucked.
BEFORE I lost that 27kg, I was okay with doing stuff regardless of my size - like going swimming. I popped my bathing suit on and got on with it. Since then, however, I've only done it a few times and only because I felt like it was something I absolutely had to do for my daughter's sake. Were it not for her, I would never be seen in swimwear again.
Post-op I plan on accessing my psychologist again if I feel I need her. I have anxiety. I'm not sure if I've mentioned that in here before, but I suffer an anxiety disorder that is closely linked to my body image. This developed when I was at the lower end of my adult weight. My lowest adult weight was 83kg. I developed these issues at about 85kg, which is where I sat for over a year after I got there. That is not light, but any means, but it is a fair bit lighter than I currently am, and than I have been at my heaviest. The lower end, having been shown just how important my looks are to others, is where my extreme body images began. Let's not be silly - they've always been crazy, but not so bad as they were at that stage.
I am on medication for my anxiety. It makes life a lot easier, and I suppose it actually makes it a lot easier for me to focus on lighter topics (like what I'll be able to wear after I lose weight) than what other problems I may discover when I lose my excess weight.
My weight is not my only issue - I know that it's a cycle... I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat... so I guess it's a "what came first, the chicken or the egg?" type of question... but I do feel that I need to GET RID OF the weight in order to deal with the other issues. I guess I can explain it best like talking about a bulletin board.
On this bulletin board, someone has stuck a big poster over the top of all the little notes... so you can't really see what's underneath, all you can see is the big poster. The big poster is my weight. I cannot see the problems beyond it because it's such a HUGE DEAL to me, that it covers up everything else... making it the only problem I can see/focus on. If I get rid of THAT, then I think I have a better chance of seeing what other issues (notes) are there and dealing with those as well.
I suspect underneath I'll find some issues that help me to understand just exactly WHY I am so focussed on how I look, and how much I weigh... and perhaps why I treat that pain with food. I'm hoping if I can remove the issue of the weight, then I can focus on everything else and begin to fix myself. I've tried to fix myself already, but it's hard to when you don't even know what the problems are, because the only problem that I can clearly see is "fat." It's clear to me that I need to get "fat" out of the way, so that I can solve everything else, or at least learn to deal.
I am not arguing that I am not vain - I do enjoy dressing up and looking nice and having people think I'm looking good... but it's not like these are the only things I think about. I DO love clothes. I DO want people to tell me I look amazing after I lose my weight. I DO plan on dressing like I'm hot shit once I get to somewhere close to what I might consider a "goal weight."
I guess I just wanted to point out that there is more here than just being a vapid tosser who thinks that weight loss will result in eternal inner peace. I'm not expecting that - I'm just expecting to give the rest of my issues some time in the limelight.
Well put. People can say you are vain but what you feel is normal, you're having a sane response to an insane society. I feel the same - I feel like my personality and who I am should count more and be noticed. But it doesn't. Forget being treated badly, when that doesn't happen, you are treated like you aren't even there. I feel invisble. And while at times that invisibility comes in handy, 90% of the time it sucks. People either treat you like shit or don't even try to know you at all. Our identity is not just defined by a sense of self, it is defined by our relationships and how others interact with us. So don't feel like you are vain. To act oblivious and not internalize the message society sends out to you is what's abnormal. It would be schizophrenic. It's very easy to be idealistic about the way the world works until you've experienced feeling outcasted.
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